Scottish Jokes

[Ernest Thompson]

Im sorry but I can't stop laughing.

[Stirling Thompson]

They can't all be that funny!

A Scotsman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Scotsman, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know," he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping."

[Ernest Thompson]

You're right. They  aren't all that funny!

[Graham Thompson]

Hahaha that was a good one

[Barbara]

They are all good Stu, some funnier than others but all good for a laugh.     

Barbara

[Stirling Thompson]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[Barbara]

LOL!  Oh my!   

Barbara

[Duke Thompson]

Okay Stu, that one got me giggling since I have a Nun in the family - everytime I think I have stopped I chuckle again...

[Stirling Thompson]

Sandy met Donald, an old friend, after the passage of some years, and the following conversation took place:

"I've been married since I last saw you, Donald."
" Married, Sandy, " that's good.
" Oh, not so good, Donald, she was a terrible scold."
" Married to a scold, you say ? That's very bad Sandy."
" Oh, not so bad, Donald. She had lots of money."
" A wife with money. Sandy ! That's very, very good."
" Oh, not so good, Donald, she was very thrifty with it."
" A wife with money. Sandy. And very thrifty with it. That's not good."
" Oh, not so bad, Donald. She built a house with it."
" A house of your own, Sandy. That's very fine."
" Not so fine, Donald. The house burned down."
" The new house built with your wife's money burned down. Sandy ? That's very bad for sure ! "
" Oh, not so bad, Donald. She was in it! "

[Graham Thompson]

A Scottish Christmas

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
 I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!"
 "Dad, what are you talking about!" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
 "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."
 Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
 "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced.  Don't do a single thing until I get there.  I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.  Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME!" and hangs up.
 The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  "Okay," he says, "they'll be coming for Christmas - and they'll be paying their own way."

[Stirling Thompson]

Way to go Graham! Does this mean I can take break here?

[Graham Thompson]

lol I dont think so, keep em coming

[Donna]

There will be no rest for you Stu and Graham can be your assistant!  Anyone who gives us a good laugh is appreciated!

Donna

[Stirling Thompson]

Oh, all right... but I must warn I'm starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel. 

The only ride Reverend MacDonald could get out of the little Highland village was in a mule-drawn carriage. " One thing though, " said Sandy, the driver, " it's a bad road, and I can't rush my mule, Ben. He's been with me so long he's like a brother to me." Sandy pulled up after a few miles and pointed ahead. " Now, that hill's too steep for Ben to climb with both of us in here. You'll have to walk." Reverend MacDonald got out and walked through the rough heather. After the minister got back in, the driver said, " Next hill's even worse. To spare Ben, this time I'll get out and walk." A few minutes later, the driver said, " I told you this hill is the worst of all. This time we'll both walk. Ben's getting tired already." Finally they reached their destination, mostly by foot through rough heather. Reverend MacDonald wearily paid the driver his fee. Then he said, " I had to come to this glen for the sake of my congregation. You had to come here for the sake of the money. But for God's sake, why did we bring Ben ? "


The Highland minister wound up his services one morning by saying, " Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. In preparation for my sermon, I should like you all to read the 17th Chapter of Mark."
On the following Sunday, the minister rose to begin, and said," Now then, all of you who have read the 17th Chapter of Mark, please raise your hands. " Nearly every hand in the small congregation went up. Then said the minister, " You are the very people I want to talk to. There is no 17th Chapter of Mark ! "

[Stirling Thompson]

As a Christmas present one year, the laird gave Macphail,
the gamekeeper, a deerstalker. Macphail was most
appreciative, and wore the hat every day. When it was
particularly cold and windy, he pulled the flaps down to
keep his ears warm. Then one day the laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
‘Where’s the hat?’ he asked.
‘I’ve given up wearing it, since the accident,’ said
Macphail.
‘Accident? I didn’t know you had had an accident.’
‘Oh, yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky, and I had
the earfiaps down and never heard him.’