Scottish Jokes

[Stirling Thompson]

In a small town in the Borders there is a large factory that will only recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.

Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?'

'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'

[Stirling Thompson]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches just 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...


'You missed the putt, didn't you?'

[Sis Thompson's oldest]

 
Hilarious Stu. You find the best jokes!

[Parker Thomson]

Ha, ha.  I'm going to use this one!

[Stirling Thompson]

a few wee uns...

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
"Can ye come and get me? I think ma water has broken".
"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?".
"Frae ma knickers tae ma feet!".


After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing a kilt at the ceremony.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress".


A Glasgow man, steaming and skint, is walking down Argyle Street,
when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.
"Whit's up Jimmy?" he asks.
"Piston broke," he replies.
"Aye, same as masel!".

[Stirling Thompson]

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,

you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow

and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.


Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 ..'

'Bloody 'ell,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!

[Stirling Thompson]

Poor auld Glesga has sich a turrible reputation...

Glasgow Banter:

Q. If you see a Glaswegian on a bicycle,why should you never swerve to
hit him?
A. It's probably your bicycle

Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a suit?
A. The accused

Q. Why does the River Clyde run through Glasgow?
A. Because if it walked it would be mugged

Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a three-bedroom semi?
A. A burglar

Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow?
A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

Q. What do you say to a Glaswegian in a uniform?
A. Big Mac & Fries, please

Q. What's the first question at a Glasgow pub quiz?
A. What are you looking at?

[Mary]

Liked the Glaswegian joke --- my problem is understanding them when I can't SEE them! But I love 'em all

OK, so this is an Irish joke, but I liked it anyway and it was canny enough to have been a Scot!

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

 
       An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

    With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES!    I WON, I WON!'

    She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

    The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

    MORAL OF THE STORY -
    Not all Irish are drunks,
    Not all blondes are dumb,
    But men...are men.
 

[Mary]

The Scottish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
 
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:  "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
 
"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

"Can I borrow the dog?"

           WAIT FOR IT!



The man replied, "Get in line."
 

[Stirling Thompson]

A barrister boarded an aeroplane in London with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a barrister, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in Edinburgh, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the barrister who gave me the crabs in London, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
-Barristers aren't as smart as they think they are.
-Blonds aren't as dumb as most folk think!

[Thomas Thompson]

At the wedding reception someone yelled.

"Would all the married men,  please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
 

[Barbara]

Age Becomes You
While passing through a Highland village, two middle-aged ladies stopped at a local hotel for a bite to eat. Sitting on a wall outside was a little, wizened old man, smoking a pipe. Before leaving, the ladies stopped to speak to him. One of the ladies commented on how cheery he was and asked for his secret for a long happy life. Taking his pipe from his mouth, the man replied: "I smoke 60 cigarettes plus an ounce of tobacco every day, I drink a case of whisky a week, I take no exercise and I eat fatty foods." The ladies were surprised at the answer and one then asked how old he was. Once again removing his pipe, the little wizened man looked up and said "Thirty-six."
                                -------------------------------------------
Mark Up
Donald was a successful cattle farmer in Angus and one evening he took his wife to Dundee for a meal at a "posh" restaurant. When he got the (large) bill at the end, he remarked to his wife: "I've done a quick calculation and based on the price of those steaks we ate, I've got cows back on the farm that must make us millionaires..."

Barbara 

[Stirling Thompson]

Kinda slow around here lately so here's one I couldn't resist!

Glesga birth control!

For those of you who cannot speak the language.......tough!!

After having their 11th child (Chelsey Paris Britney
McGuffy), a Glasgow couple decided that was enough because
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want
to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the
doctor, 'is to go home, get a firework, put it in an
empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 10..
The husband said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the
sharpest chisel in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a
firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no
tae huv ony mair weans.'
Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the couple went home, the husband lit a banger and put
it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count: '1' '2' '3' '4''5' ..... at which point he paused, placed the beer
can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS and has proved to be successful in Govan, Clydebank, Paisley , and some parts of Livingston, Coatbridge and Bathgate

[Sis Thompson's oldest]

Ah Stu!
Another fine joke that is snort worthy. That's me in the background snorting! Keep 'em coming! 
Sherry

[Stirling Thompson]

First day of School!

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?

"No," said the little boy.............
"It's a puppy!"