Scottish Jokes

[arlin payne]

Does any one know the story of "how to catch a wild haggis"? Got CRS real bad
these days and dont remember none of it except it was funnier than west texas.
 
Arlin 

[Stirling Thompson]

Arlin, I don't know about "wild haggis" but I can tell you how to catch a polar bear.

To catch a polar bear you have to go way out on the ice pack then cut a large hole about 4 -5 feet in diameter in the ice. Then you take some peas, preferrably fresh but if you have to wait long they'll be frozen so maybe it doesn't matter, and place them carefully around the edge of the hole spaced six to eight inches apart. Then you have to hide and wait for the bear to show up.

Then... when the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!

[Stirling Thompson]

Arlin, Oh all right... try this one... seem to work for the locals!

Och aye, laddie, huv ye never heard of the wild haggis hunters o' the Heilans? Y'see, laddie, the thing about the haggis is that it makes its home in the Scottish Heilans, which are full of big muckle mountains...

Noo, Evolution has gifted the haggis wi' two wee right legs and two big long left legs, so they dinna topple o'er when they run around yon hills (clockwise, nat'rally.) Yon Haggis are fun-loving little critters, but they're easily startled - so all the hunter laddie has to do is make a wee hide where he knows a haggis is going to run past, then BANG!, he leaps out in front of the puir wee thing, which gets a fright an' tries to turn around and run anti-clockwise. But as ye ken, the haggis is only gifted to run clockwise, so it topples over and bounces all the way down the mountain. After a good day's haggis-frightnin', the hunter walks doon, picks up all the puir helpless haggi, and sells them at the local market...

[arlin payne]

That's the one Stirling and thanks,it's still funny as  . I start laughing every
time I think of such a thing happening.

Arlin

[Barbara]

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves. A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

Barbara 

[Graham Thompson]

That would be something I might do

[Stirling Thompson]

Three lads are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first lad says, 'My Da scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him £50.'

The second lad says, 'That's nothing. My Da scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him £100.'

The third lad says, 'I got you both beat. My Da scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

[arlin payne]

Stirling,  that one is funny,and I'm thinking there more than a little truth in it.

Arlin

[Stirling Thompson]

Thought about putting this on the DOGS thread but then again...

How to give a cat a pill...

 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat the process.
 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
 8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
 9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the @#&!*%~ cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A & E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill....
1. Wrap it in bacon.

[Donna]

Hey Stu,
As the "mother" of 2 little cats, you've got this one right!   There have been days that I wanted to wrap the cats in bacon and feed them to a dog!

Donna

[Barbara]

Stu, that was the funniest one I've read about how to give a cat a pill.         Thanks for the laughs.

Donna that was funny about wrapping your cats in bacon and feed them to the dogs.    

Barbara

[Stirling Thompson]

A Scotsman went to a pub with his great dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside [ootside] and went in to have a pint o' bitter. A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walk in and the following conversation ensued:

New man: Is that your dog ootside?
First man: Yes. What of it?
New man: Well, I think my dog may'a killed 'im.
First man: What kind'a dog you got that can kill a great dane?
New man: Well, e's a chihuahua.
First man: Ha! 'ow can a chihuahua kill a great dane?
New man: Well, I think the wee bastard may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat.

[Stirling Thompson]

While we're on the subject of dogs...

Fotheringham was a Brit through and through, while his neighbor Mackintosh was a true Scot. Ever since they had settled down in adjacent houses they played an active game of "keeping up with the Joneses." If one bought a new car, it was certain that within a week the other would have a new, slightly fancier car. If one re-painted the trim on his house, the other house would promptly be freshened up.

And on it went throughout the years: lawn ornaments, barbeques, shrubbery, boats, carpets, lamps - almost anything one could imagine would be purchased by one neighbor and promptly one-upped by the other.

Their mutual passion was hunting, and every spring and autumn they would spend days slogging through marshes and forests, fighting off mosquitoes, blackflies, and poison ivy, ever in pursuit of a better buck or a fatter string of ducks than the other one had bagged the previous year. Despite the competition, it was usually friendly, and more than once Fotheringham and Mackintosh went on their expeditions together.

One evening, Mackintosh received a telephone call from Foteringham.
"The duck hunting season starts tomorrow, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in joinin' me for the first shoot of the year?"
"Fer certain I'll be there!" replied the Scot. "Let's start oot in the wee hours o' the mornin', for I would like to be on the lake when the sun comes up."

At 5:00 the next morning the Englishman was on Mackintosh's doorstep. Together they went out to their favorite lake and waited for the sunrise. Fotheringham had brought along new dog - a rather nondescript spaniel. As the sun came up behind them, a flock of ducks flew over the water. "I'll get this one," said Fotheringham, as he swung his Jeager over and under. He pulled the trigger, and a greenhead tumbled out of the flock and splashed on to the surface of the lake.

Fotheringham looked down at his dog. "All right, boy, go get it!" Immediately the dog jumped out of the boat. In amazement, Mackintosh watched the dog as it ran on top of the water, retrieved the duck, and ran back across the surface of the lake. It leaped the gunwhale and deposited the duck at his master's feet, having not so much as got a hair on its chest wet.

Bursting with pride, Fotheringham asked, "There! What do ya think of that?"

Mackintosh looked at the dog, looked at Fotheringham, looked again at the dog, then looked up at the Englishman. After some thought, he said slowly, "If ye want me opinion, I think ye got taken. I wouldna spend good money on a dog that dinna know how to swim!"

[Mary]

A Scotsman went to a pub with his great dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside [ootside] and went in to have a pint o' bitter. A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walk in and the following conversation ensued:

New man: Is that your dog ootside?
First man: Yes. What of it?
New man: Well, I think my dog may'a killed 'im.
First man: What kind'a dog you got that can kill a great dane?
New man: Well, e's a chihuahua.
First man: Ha! 'ow can a chihuahua kill a great dane?
New man: Well, I think the wee bastard may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat.

This one reminds me of taking my Dachshund over to my friend's house ...........who owns a Rottweiler!  Schnapps was too dumb to know how little he was and the Rott kept more than ONE eye on him! 11 lbs versus 125........................

Good one!

[Stirling Thompson]

Here kitty, kitty...

We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We
phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in
the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in
the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife
goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs
upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't
want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she
explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to
say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said as we
drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her
with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed
her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...