Author Topic: Scottish Jokes  (Read 161517 times)

Stirling Thompson

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 977
Scottish Jokes
« on: July 30, 2008, 10:30:14 AM »
Let's see if we can get something started!

In the Northern Highlands, an impatient farmer knocked at the door of neighboring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered.
" Is your father in ? " asked the neighbor.
" No. " said the daughter. " He's at the Inverness farmers market. If it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is $50.00" "
No it's not that" said the neighbor.
" Well. " said the daughter. " If it's the Galloway belted bull you want, it's $40." "
No, it's not that. " said the neighbor.
" How about the small Highland bull." said the daughter.
" The service of that bull is only $30."
The neighbor rudely interrupted the daughter. " That's not what I've come about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it."
" Oh, well." said the daughter. " You'll have to see my father yourself. I don't know what he charges for Sandy."
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Graham Thompson

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 192
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2008, 10:36:09 AM »
Thats pretty good
Guess what!? I'm here to spread my words of wisdom also. Everybody fear them!!! Hahaha

Stirling Thompson

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 977
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2008, 05:52:02 AM »
Not as funny but very educational!

The Average Englishman
The average Englishman, in his home he calls his castle, puts on his national costume - A shabby Raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland.

He drives a car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland.

At the office he recieves his mail with adhearive stamps which, although they bear the queen of England's head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland.

During the day he uses the telephone, Invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland.

At home in the evening he watches his daughter ride her bicycle, invented by Kilpatrick MacMillan, A Blacksmith from Dumfries, Scotland.

He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburough Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.
He has now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot - King James VI - who authourised it's translation.

No where can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots, he could take to drink but the Scots make the finest in the world, he could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland.

If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table, being injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Flemming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an aneasthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland.

Out of the aneasthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank Of England which was founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland.

Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of good SCOTTISH blood
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Mary

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 995
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2008, 03:44:29 PM »
Bootlegging on a local network.....so I know I won't be online long.  Here are a couple Scottish jokes to add to the thread:

Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear

A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"


Looks like we'll be gone another week or so......glad you guys are keeping the forum alive, if not awake.

Stu - things still looking good for Scotland 2009???? I think, between Stevie and my research, we will be able to find accommodations to suit everyone's budget (well, better than a hotel and meals, anyway!) and locations.  I'll hit that again when I get home - Stevie is staying on it.

Take care all - for those of you dropping the posting ball, please contribute or there is no need for a forum.................

Mary

Stirling Thompson

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 977
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2008, 12:31:02 PM »
You've just got to love the bagpipes!

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbours.

Why do pipers march when they play ?
To get as far away from the noise as possible.

Stu
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Graham Thompson

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 192
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2008, 10:05:45 AM »
thats halarious
Guess what!? I'm here to spread my words of wisdom also. Everybody fear them!!! Hahaha

Stirling Thompson

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 977
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2008, 11:51:34 AM »
A little something for the hopeless romantics!

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Donna

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 409
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2008, 12:08:31 AM »
Stu, these are so funny!  I hope I dont mess them up too bad when I try to retell them!
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Donna

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 409
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2008, 12:16:55 AM »
I was born in California and may never actually set foot in Scotland, but the sound of the bagpipes is as soothing to me as my Mothers voice! 

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Donna

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 409
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #9 on: August 03, 2008, 01:51:00 AM »
Have y'all heard of boiling wool mittens to make them water proof? I read about this in one of my "Nothing Better To Do With Your Time" books, so tonight I tried it. 
I put some liquid dish washing soap and the mittens in a large pot of water and turned the stove up to HIGH.   
I was so wrapped up in "cooking" the mittens that I didn't notice all the smoke coming from the microwave...my LAST bag of microwave popcorn was burned to a crisp!    MY LAST BAG!!!!!
Now, I was so wrapped up in getting rid of the popcorn before it set the smoke alarm off that I didn't notice all the soap bubbles boiling over onto my stove!

 I'm upset because I really wanted that popcorn and I don't even know why I thought I needed "waterproof" mittens...I live in sunny California!

Now I'm going to drink a wine glass full of Captain Morgan's Coconut Rum, then go to bed.

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Mary

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 995
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #10 on: August 03, 2008, 02:57:53 PM »
But....but.....what happened to the mittens????

Being a hand-spinner, weaver and knitter, I have made boiled mittens with and without the additional tufts of wool knitted to the inside that REALLY make them impervious............but I didn't do it quite that way. I AM glad to know there is someone else in the adult world who has had a bag of popcorn catch on fire in the microwave! Now I make it on the stove........

Donna

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 409
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #11 on: August 03, 2008, 07:12:54 PM »
The mittens are still in the pot, in the sink!
Donna + stove = fire

Mary, can you give me more detailed directions for the sash?   I have already used most of the tartan fabric...not sure how much I still have.

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Stirling Thompson

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 977
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #12 on: August 04, 2008, 06:05:53 AM »
Is this heaven?

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad woman standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"


The Scot hoarsely croaks, " Yes, please, I haven't eaten a bite of food for a week and I am very hungry !"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a basket of food. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
" Oh, yes ! That food has made me very thirsty and I would very much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad woman leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"


" Oh, you beautiful woman, don't tell me you've got a golf course here too!"

Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 977
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #13 on: August 04, 2008, 06:18:33 AM »
I originally heard a variation of this as a blonde joke but I like this one too!

A Scottish shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Range Rover advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Hermes tie leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd...

'If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you let me have one?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers 'Aye!'

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to mobile phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 30 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulae. Finally he prints out a 10 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says 'You have exactly 1586 sheep here!'

That's right said the shepherd, and as agreed, you can take one of the sheep.

He watches as the young man makes a selection and bundles it in his Range Rover.

Then he says 'If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?' 'OK - why not?' answers the young man. 'You are a consultant' says the shepherd. 'That's right' says the yuppie 'How did you guess?' 'Easy' answers the shepherd. 'You turn up here although nobody called you...you want to be paid for the answer to a question when I already knew the answer...and you don't know a damned thing about my business. That's obvious. Now give me back my dog.'

Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 977
Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #14 on: August 04, 2008, 07:20:49 AM »
Link to the entire 24 page illustrated book "What's Under the Kilt?" Enjoy!

http://scotwebshops.com/underthekilt/
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu