Author Topic: Scottish Jokes  (Read 154798 times)

Donna

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #15 on: August 04, 2008, 09:38:25 AM »
Hey Stu, Congrats on your upgrade to Junior Member!
Your jokes are so funny...puts me in a good mood for the day!

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #16 on: August 05, 2008, 10:00:24 AM »
This one must date back to the first Gulf War!

A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian.
Saddam says, "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am. You will be given 50 lashes each, but you can have whatever you want on your back." The Australian goes first, and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says, "I will take it as it comes, I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly "Stiff upper lip you know eh what." His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Wee Hughie, it's your turn, you have the same choice as the other two, what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
Wee Hughie replies quickly and without hesitation, "I'll have the Englishman".
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Graham Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #17 on: August 05, 2008, 10:02:08 AM »
YES!!! BEST JOKE EVER!!!
Guess what!? I'm here to spread my words of wisdom also. Everybody fear them!!! Hahaha

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #18 on: August 05, 2008, 10:02:51 AM »
Everyone's favorite recipe!

SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE.
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??


Actually, this could be Donna's recipe... we'll just substitute some Captain Morgan's Coconut Rum for the whiskey!
« Last Edit: August 05, 2008, 11:22:05 AM by Stirling Thompson »
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Donna

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #19 on: August 06, 2008, 12:17:59 AM »
Well, Stu, you had me going with this one!  I thought it was a real recipe but couldn't figure out what a "fluffy bowl" was!

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #20 on: August 06, 2008, 05:23:41 AM »
I think they have these in Maine too!

 An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.  For his first chapter he decided to write about British churches so he bought a train ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way up the country from South to North.  On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read, "£ 20,000 per call!"  The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.  The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and for £20,000 you could talk to God.  The Englishman thanked the priest and went on his way. 

His next stop was in Northampton. There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in London so he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.  She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £20,000 he could talk to God. "Thank you," said the Englishman.  He then travelled to Coventry, Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Blackpool, Lancaster and Carlisle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£20,000 per call" sign under it. 

The Englishman, upon realising how close he was to the Scottish border, decided to see if the Scots had the same phone. He crossed the border and came to a small town called Gretna, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read, "20 pence per call".  The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I have travelled all over England and I have seen this same golden telephone in many churches.  I'm told it is a direct line to heaven, but in every one the price was £20,000 per call.  Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "Well laddie, you're in Scotland now, it's a local call."
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #21 on: August 06, 2008, 07:22:46 AM »
Almost a Scottish joke, but I just couldn't resist!

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep
any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a
fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared
and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand
to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells . . . . . .


"SUPPLIES!"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Graham Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #22 on: August 06, 2008, 10:45:12 AM »
Where do you find these jokes Stu there halarious. Im gonna try that fruit cake recipe, ill tell you how it goes.
Guess what!? I'm here to spread my words of wisdom also. Everybody fear them!!! Hahaha

Donna

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #23 on: August 06, 2008, 10:54:54 PM »
I have a sister in Auburn Maine! I'll ask her to find me one of those Fluffy Bowls. Maybe Graham and I can have a "Bake off".

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #24 on: August 07, 2008, 06:03:51 AM »
French in Scotland


One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard.

He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.

Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty.

The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk.

After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh ... you are most generous!"

She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk
because we found a dead rat in it."

Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth,
allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone.

The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it
down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig!

I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's potty!"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #25 on: August 07, 2008, 10:16:22 AM »
This is courtesy of the Midland Highlanders website!

The Bass Drummer one day is having trouble putting together a puzzle, and try as he might he simply couldn't get the pieces to go together properly.  So he gives the Tenor Drummers a call and says, " I just can't get this puzzle going can you give me a hand?" 

The tenor drummers being kind of heart, take pity on the Bass Drummer and run right over to help, but sure enough they can't get the puzzle to go together; so they call the Snare drummers over telling them, " The Bass drummer called us to help him with this puzzle, and we can't figure it out either, can you come over and give us a hand?" 

 Well, the Snare drummers, being kind of heart as well, run right over to the Bass Drummers house and sure enough they are just as confused by the puzzle as the others, and they exclaimed, "Let's call the Lead tip, he'll know what to do!"

 So the Lead tip ran over as fast as he could and sure enough he couldn't make heads or tails of the puzzle. The Lead tip said, "Well, the Bass Drummer can't figure it, the Tenor Drummers can't figure it, all the Snare drummers can't figure it, and I am just as confused as you on how to put it together. Let's just call the Pipe Major, I am sure he can get this puzzle together for us."  So they called the Pipe Major.


Pipey asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Pipey decides to go over and help with the puzzle. The drummers let him in and show him where the puzzle is spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to the drummers and says, “No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

So let's just put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
 

Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

MACTAVISH

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #26 on: August 07, 2008, 10:23:43 AM »
THE COINER OF THAT JOKE HAS OBVIOUSLY NOT HEARD OF' THE AULD ALLIANCE', THE FRENCH AND SCOTS ARE THE CLOSEST OF PEOPLES. I  MYSELF AM A PRODUCT OF 'THE AULD ALLIANCE'; SCOTS FATHER/ FRENCH MOTHER. THE VISITOR'S NATIONALITY SHOULD BE CHANGED TO ENGLISH- WHOM THE SCOTS WOULDNT P*SS ON IF THEY WERE ON FIRE.
 IN JANUARY I'LL BE IN MOROCCO, VERY POPULAR WITH FRENCH TOURISTS, I SHALL BE RELAXING IN THE KILT AND YOUI CAN BET THE FRENCH WILL HUG AND KISS ME WHEREVER I GO. PART OF THIS IS THE AULD ALLIANCE- REMEMBER THEY BACKED THE JACOBITE RISING AND TOOK IN BONNIE PRINCE CHARLIE + MANY SCOTS IN EXILE- AND PARTLY BECAUSE OF THE SCOTS CONCERTED EFFORTS IN WW11 RE FRANCE.

Graham Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #27 on: August 07, 2008, 02:22:49 PM »
Its on Donna I will "bake" you under the table. Hey McTavish have you every been to Monico? In my opinion the most beautiful place anywhere close to France. I dont know if anyone has been to France but I found it the most dirty and unclean place i've ever been to. Well I should say Paris to be more exact.
Guess what!? I'm here to spread my words of wisdom also. Everybody fear them!!! Hahaha

Donna

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #28 on: August 07, 2008, 02:47:50 PM »
Hey Graham,
    If I use Stu's recipe and my Capt. Morgan's Coconut Rum...I'll be sitting under the table, for sure!   Did you see the recipe Stu posted some time back for Baked Frog?  Or maybe that was Toad in the Hole.   I've made it up two or three times and the family really enjoyed it. 
   

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Barbara

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #29 on: August 08, 2008, 04:08:12 PM »
Thanks Stu for your Scottish jokes, they brighten up my day.   ;D  Here's one of my favorite:

A little laughter for the baseball season!

A man moves from Scotland to the US and attends his first baseball game. After a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run! Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman  stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent:  "R-r-r-un, yah bloody bahstard.   R-r-run!"

A third batter cracks a hard liner and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams,  "RRRun, yah bloody bahstard, rrrrun, why don't ya???"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the umpire calls,"Take your base."  The Scotsman stands up, yelling,  "RRRun, ya bahstard, rrrun!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly so he sits down, very much confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and shouts, "Wahlk with  prrrride, man!"  "Wahlk with prrrride!"

Barbara   ;D
"Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain