Scottish Jokes

[PaulThompson]

A scot and a greek are discussing one day who's heritage is greater.

The greek says my ancestors invented mathematics
the Scot says and many scots have used that invention to create wonderful things for the betterment of the world

The greek says my ancestors created the alphabet and language
the scot says and many a countryman like Robbie Burns used this to create beautiful poetry and songs

the Greek smiles slyly and says my ancestors discovered sex
the scot laughs and says yes you did but we introduced it to women!

[Stirling Thompson]

Deathbed Confession.

Jimmy was on his deathbed. His wife Agnes, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 'Aw hen, ma wee sweetheart,' he whispered.
'Hush, Jimmy,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.'   He was insistent. 'Agnes,' he said in his tired voice. 'Ah've got tae tell ye something.' 'There's nothing to tell,' replied the weeping Agnes. 'Everything's aw right, go to sleep.'
'Naw, naw. I must die in peace, Agnes. I had an affair with your sister, your best pal and your Ma.'
'I know, I know' she whispered...... 'That's why I poisoned you.'

[Stirling Thompson]

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

[Stirling Thompson]

Scottish Drinking Jokes

Sandy was sitting at the bar drinking double whiskies in one gulp as fast as the barman could put them in front of him. He eventually explained that it was the only way he could drink them after a terrible accident. "What sort of accident?" asked the barman. "Terrible," said Sandy. "I knocked one over with my elbow."

Angus's long-suffering wife was fed up with her husband's unfortunate fondness of a not-so-wee dram. Most evenings he would roll home from the pub considerably the worse for wear. His wife resolved to cure him. Late one Samhain, she put a bedsheet over her head, hid behind the bushes at the front door of their croft, and waited for her wayward hubby to come home. Eventually Angus staggered up the path. His wife, in disguise, jumped out from behind the bushes, and cried out, "Angus! I'm the Devil! And I've come to warn ye ." "The Devil, you say?" Angus interrupted. "Then ye must come in and have a dram wi' me, kinsman. I do believe as I'm married to your sister!"

The two old Scots had imbibed overmuch. Saying his good-night, the one told the other: "John, man, when ye gang oot at the door, ye'll see twa cabs. Tak' the first yin - t'ither ane's no' there! "

Dr MacGregor checked over his patient and said with a puzzled frown, "I can't really tell what the trouble is. I think it must be due to drink." Willie said, understandingly, "Ach, that's all right doctor. I'll come back when you're sober."

"Alcohol is your trouble," said the sheriff to the drunk. "Alcohol alone is responsible for your present predicament." The drunk looked pleased as he said "Yer lairdship's maist kind. A'body else says it's ma ain fault!"

A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."

A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only twopence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied, "They're waiting for the Happy Hour".

A Scotsman had been presented with a bottle of fine old Scotch whisky which he placed in his overcoat pocket. On his way home he fell, and as he got up he felt a wet patch on his trousers. "Please, Lord," he prayed,"let that just be blood!"

Two Scotsmen bought a bottle of bootleg whisky for a pound and it was the vilest brew they had ever tasted. "I'll be very glad," said one to the other, "when we finish this bottle."

It had been a bitterly cold day on the Scottish golf course and the caddie was expecting a handsome tip from his weathy client. As they came to the clubhouse the caddie heard the magic words, "This is for a hot glass of whisky!" Holding out his hand, he was given a sugar cube.

Forecasters were puzzled recently when the entire population of Glasgow ran out onto the streets with glass in hand after an announcement that there was a nip in the air.

[Barbara]

   good ones Stu!  Thanks and keep 'em coming. 

Barbara

[Stirling Thompson]

A Dying Scotsman...

On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is my wife here?"

His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."

The Scot goes: "Are my children here?"

"Yes, daddy, we are all here?" say the children.

The Scot: "Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say: "Yes, we are all here..."

The Scot gets up and says: "Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

[Barbara]

Just like a penny pinching Scotsman.....   Thanks for all the laughs Stu. 

Barbara

[Stirling Thompson]

Not sure why this is supposed to be Scottish...

There's this drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot.

Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole.

Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.

Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task
.
"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."

"Who are you" shouts the drunk guy, "you don't scare me!"

"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"


Hmmmm... Maybe it's a curling rink?

[Forum_mgr]

Good to have you back posting your jokes, Stirling!  We missed you.

F.M.

[Stirling Thompson]

Sandy had a bad day fishing on the river and caught nothing. On the way home, he called in at the fish shop.
" Just throw me a small salmon," he said.
" Why throw it ? " asked the clerk.
" So that I can tell my wife I caught it."
" Wouldn't you rather have a trout ? "
" Why would I rather have a trout ? "
" Well, when your wife came into the store earlier today, she said that's what she would prefer you to catch when you came in later."

[Stirling Thompson]

Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole.

Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond.

He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls. He then asks Angus for a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well.

This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says.”Rabby, these balls cost me a pretty penny!”

Rabby replies, “Och!, Angus if you cannee afford to play the game, ya should nee be oot here.”

[Stirling Thompson]

GOLF, A COO & THE WIFE

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'

'Och, Ah was having a wee round of golf wi' ma wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced oor balls inta a coo pasture.' We went
ta look for em and while Ah was looking roond Ah noticed ane of the
coos had somethin white at its rear end.'

'Ah walked ooer, lifted ats tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball wi'

ma wife's monogram on at - stuck right in the middle of the coo's butt.'

Still holding the coo's tail up, Ah yelled to my wife, 'Och, this
looks like yoor's!'

'Ah don' remember much after tha...

[Stirling Thompson]

An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop, the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this for my birthday".

His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother". So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father". Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad i have i have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and already I hate you bloody English!"

[Barbara]

            Thanks for the laughs, Stu.           

Barbara

[Stirling Thompson]

Got to try and liven things up a bit around here...

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK.

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF