Scottish Jokes

[Donna]

Yep, you sure do liven things up 

[Stirling Thompson]

A pregnant woman from Dundee gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma' am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Glasgow came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!'
She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?

'Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it!
What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

[Stirling Thompson]

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

[Donna]

    Hey Stu,   
I'm so happy to have you back telling your jokes!   We sure did miss you!

Donna

[Stirling Thompson]

Young Sandy moved to the highlands and bought a horse from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed ta deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, "Sorry, laddie, but Ah have some bad news, The horse died."

Sandy replied, "Weel, then jist giv ma ma money back."

The farmer said, "Cannae do tha. Ah went and spent it already."

Sandy said, "Och, then, just bring ma the deid horse."

The farmer asked, "Wha ya gang do wit a deid horse?"

Sandy said, "Ah'm gang ta raffle 'im arf."

The farmer said, "Ya cannae raffle arf a deid horse!"

Sandy said, "Sure ah can. Watch ma. Ah jist won't tell anybody e's deid."

A month later, the farmer met up with Sandy and enquired,
"Wha happend wi tha deid horse?"

Sandy said, "Ah raffled 'im arf. Ah sold 500 tickets a twa pounds a Piece and made a net profit of £898.00."

The farmer said, "Did nae ane complain?"

Sandy said, "Jist the fella wha won. So Ah gav im his twa pounds back."

[Stirling Thompson]

GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.


So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.


A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '


'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'


A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'


'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .


The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'


Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...


In a quiet voice he said:
'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'


'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'





'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss.....
and it probably widnae be ane accident
either!

[Stirling Thompson]

Hurricane hits Glasgow

Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill district of Glasgow in the early
hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round
aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?" The hurricane
decimated the area causing approximately £9,000 worth of
improvements.. Several priceless collections of mementos from
Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically
important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police
state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were
particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the
hurricane struck.

Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank
Street , rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later
today. Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with
the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill .

One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said
"It gied me a pure fright so's it did... ma wee Chardonnay-
Mercedes came running intae ma bedroom greetin'. Ma youngest
two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade slept through it all.
Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching Trisha the next
morning, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said
"The noise wiz pure tremendous man... At first ah thoat it wiz
the young team coming oot of The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser " .

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of Cheese Toasties to the area to
help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching the
rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including
Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers... Residents in
neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless,
but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where they were.

A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take at least a
full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has
been a Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".

Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents
to refurbish their homes. The Government has pledged to ensure that
bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as
possible.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for
those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball
caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits
(female), white sport socks, (2 furra pounda!) Rockport boots or
Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required. Please
try to include - Microwave chips, Greggs Pies , Sugar Puffs, Tins
of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of
Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado ,
glue or hairspray. Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the
compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family
of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter.

*Breaking News*

Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble.
Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco - Pop. When
asked where she was bleeding from she replied " Craigmont Avenue ,
whit's it got to dae wi' you ya fudd?"

[Stirling Thompson]

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Tim Horton's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

 Over double-doubles the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Pantheon,' arching his eyebrows.
 
 The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.

 The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

 The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

 And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
 With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!

 The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'

[Barbara]

You're a hoot Stu!    Thank you for all the laughs.

Barbara

[Stirling Thompson]

Getting so hard to find jokes I haven't posted already that are fit to post in an open forum...


A large and very loud American goes into a pub in Glasgow.

"I hear tell all you Scatch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the other and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."

No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!

"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly. A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?"

"Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky. The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American. The American of course tries to do it as well, but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $500.

"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back in again."

"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the bills,

"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"

[Stirling Thompson]

In view of the forthcoming season I thought that I should pass on the advice received from Health and Safety and Equality in the workplace and that we should all bear it in mind as we approach the festivities:-.


Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs


The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
has a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Away in a Manger
No Crib for a bed

- Social services?

[Thomas Thompson]

Yikes.  Now I find out that our very own Stu is the Grinch out to steal all of our old Songs.
Tom

[Stirling Thompson]

This could be Scottish with the pipers and all...

On the Twelve Days of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me . . .

December 14, 2003

Christmas Present
Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2003

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2003

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2003

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2003

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2003

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2003

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2003

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 2003

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2003

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2003

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2003

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

[Barbara]

    

Barbara

[Stirling Thompson]

Summer will be back before we know it...

On The Beach

Wee Geordie was walkin doon tha beach, and as he did sae, he saw a matronly woman sittin unner a beach brolly on tha sand.

He walked up ta her and asked, "Dya gae to the kirk every week?"

"Aye." she replied.

"Dya pray aften?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Aye."

"Dya ken tha Ten Commandments?"

"Aye, Ah do." she answered, wi a wee smile.

"Dya keep em a?" Johnny asked.

She nodded her head, "Aye, Ah do." she said.

Wi tha he asked his final question, "Will ya hold ma money while Ah gae swimmin?"