Scottish Jokes

[Donna]

                                                                                        


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. As I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Donna

[Mary]

Good one, Donna!  You're competing with Stu now~!

Hey, Stu! I FINALLY have a Scottish joke! (Thanks to Gail...)   

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that
he has a better education then any cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, "Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says,  "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says,  "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"                                                   

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huv te come to a complete stop, that's the law, Licence
and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you
my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

Smiling, the London Lawyer exits his vehicle.   

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating ten bells out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[Stirling Thompson]

Where's the competition when you post jokes I've already posted (you too Mary)? Nice try though! Keep trying!


WIFE: Wha wid ya do if ah deid? Wid ya git married agin?

HUSBAND: Och, nae likely!

WIFE: Why nae - don ya like beeng married?

HUSBAND: Aye, a course ah do.

WIFE: Thun wha wid ya nae remarry?

HUSBAND: Arright, Ah'd git married agin.

WIFE: Ya wid? (Wi a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Wid ya live in oor hoose?

HUSBAND: Aye, it's a grand hoose.

WIFE: Wid ya sleep wi her in oor bed?

HUSBAND: Aye. Where else wid we sleep?

WIFE: Wid ya let her drive ma car?

HUSBAND: Aye. Tis almoos new.

WIFE: Wid ya replace ma photies wi hers?

HUSBAND: Tha wid seem tha proper thang ta do.

WIFE: Wid she use ma golf clubs?

HUSBAND: Nae, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND: Ooh ma...

[Mary]

Heck, Stirling!  I thought I was the only one reading/posting on the forum anymore....so it didn't matter WHAT I put on! 

OK....let's try these!

A Scotsman was invited for a visit to the home of his Canadian friend.
Soon after the Scotsman arrived, he glanced out the window to see a huge beast just outside.
He pointed, and asked his Canadian friend, "Och, lad, what's that?"
The Canadian replied, "Oh, that's a moose."
The Scotsman stared in disbelief, and replied, "That's a moose?! Well, how big are yer cats around here?"


Q. Why are so many Scottish churches circular?
A. So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.

[Stirling Thompson]

Speaking of collections...

There was a collection going on. As the band played hymns, young girls went around collecting money. One came to an old Scot and asked, " Could you give a penny for the Lord ? "
The Scot said, " How old are you ? "
" Sixteen, " she replied.
" Well, I'm ninety. " the old Scot replied, " And as I'll be seeing him before you, I'll hand it to him myself."

[Stirling Thompson]

Tough times all over...

Fed up with hunting for work in Glesca, Tam went to Edinburgh to look for a job.
At the end of the second week, he was running out of money and hadn't eaten for three days. Desperate with the thought of going back to home without work, he decided to head up to Edinburgh Zoo and commit suicide by jumping into the polar bear enclosure.
But just as he was saying the Last Rites to himself, one of the zookeepers rushed up to him and said: "Hey you, do you want a job?'
'Thank God,' said Tam. 'My prayers have been answered.'
'Well,' said the zookeeper, 'it's like this. Clive, our prize gorilla, has just snuffed it, and with the waiting list for gorillas these days we won't get another one until Christmas the year after next.'
'So where do I fit in?' asked Tam.
'We have an old gorilla skin lying in the store. If you put it on, no one will know the difference.'
'And what's the pay like?'
'£100 a week.'
I'll take it,' said Tam.
Well, so glad was he to get the job that he launched into it with terrific gusto, and after a few days his acrobatics on the branches had made the gorilla enclosure the most popular part of die zoo.
Inspired by the applause, Tam grabbed the top bar of the cage, did a terrific somersault and went sailing right over the top into the middle of the lions den.
'Dear God,' said Tam 'I'm going to be eaten alive.'
'If you'd just shut up for a minute,' said one of the lions, 'we just might all keep our jobs.'

[Sis Thompson's oldest]

......................The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating ten bells out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

This one is my favorite....... all I need to hear is the punch line and the laughter begins again.

Sherry

[Pamela K. Thompson]

Good one Stu. I have to tell this one at work!   Karma

[Stirling Thompson]

Ladies be warned! It happened in Glasgow... it could happen here!

Please Please Please - make yourself aware of where this is happening AND tell your friends!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Morrisons for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking, young men with foreign accents come over to your car and help pack your shopping into the boot. They then both start cleaning your windscreen. Their firm young bodies bulging out of their skimpy vest tops. It's impossible not to look!

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco's . You agree and they both get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting himself against you, while the other one steals your purse!

I had my purse stolen Nov 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also Dec 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!!!

P.S. Lidl have purses on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look nicer.

[Mary]

Q. Who invented the copper wire?
A. Two Scots fighting over a penny.

Forum kinda dead.....how come MY name is the last in so many categories??? 

[Sis Thompson's oldest]

  oh, I do like that one!

[John ThomsonHollingsworth]

I'm on the email list for electric scotland and have been for years
this wee story has in this week's issue

Ale Imitation

When the chairman of Goodyear was visiting the company's then tyre company in Glasgow,
it was decided to take him for a haggis dinner, which would be piped in, and then the chairman and the piper would be given a glass of whisky to toast the haggis.

The American PR executive who came with the chairman quickly pointed out that his man was teetotal and must only be given ginger ale.

So he watched anxiously as the toasts went ahead and then told the hotel manager: "Thank God that went off OK - think of the awful consequences if the drinks had got mixed up,
and the chairman had got the whisky!"

"That's nothing," replied the manager.

"You couldn't imagine the consequences if the piper had got the ginger ale."


http://www.electricscotland.com/



http://www.scotchat.org/

[Mary]

Sounds like a "truism"!!! 

Joke: Q. Why do pipers march when they play?
        A. Because a moving target is harder to hit.

[John ThomsonHollingsworth]

SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE.
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??

[John ThomsonHollingsworth]

This is not really a Scottish joke but is from a blog Jokes by Jim
His funny comments are based on a true news story


Scottish scientists have developed a whiskey biofuel. Of course, in Scotland, whiskey pretty much is biofuel.

Scottish scientists have developed a whiskey biofuel. When you go to fill up, the pumps are labeled “Single Malt”, “Blended” and “12 year old”.

Scottish scientists have developed a whiskey biofuel. The only problem is every time you get pulled over the cop smells alcohol and makes you take the sobriety test.