Author Topic: Scottish Jokes  (Read 154802 times)

Barbara

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #30 on: August 08, 2008, 04:35:52 PM »
Donna and Graham, I really need to help you two make that cake, using Stu's recipe of course..... ;D

Barbara
"Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain

Donna

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #31 on: August 09, 2008, 12:23:57 AM »
Hey Barbara,
That was a good one! I'll mess it up if I just try to retell it so I'd better print it out for my son.

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Graham Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #32 on: August 10, 2008, 07:29:34 PM »
Oh man we got a cake "bake" party going down
Guess what!? I'm here to spread my words of wisdom also. Everybody fear them!!! Hahaha

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #33 on: August 11, 2008, 05:43:23 AM »
Sheesh! It's my recipe and I don't even get invited to the bake-off!

An American visitor to Lindores Abbey was being shown round by the abbot when a monk shouted out “64!”
All the other monks roared with laughter.
Another then called out “15!” — again much laughter.
“What’s going on?” asked the visitor.
“They know each other’s jokes inside out” said the abbot. “So rather than tell them each time, they’ve numbered them. If one calls out a number, they think of the joke and laugh. Have a go...”
The visitor called out “45!” and there was a small ripple of polite laughter.
“I’m afraid,” said the abbot, “that’s not very funny. Try again.”
So, the visitor called out “56!” and there was uproar.
“Must have been a good joke,” he said.
“Yes,” said the abbot wiping his eyes. “And we’ve never heard it before.”

Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Barbara

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #34 on: August 11, 2008, 09:03:13 PM »
Waddaya mean 'yer not invited' Stu?  You're the head Chef man, because without you we have no recipe..............unless...........Donna did you print Stu's recipe off?  ;D  ;D  ;D

Barbara
"Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain

Barbara

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #35 on: August 11, 2008, 09:15:44 PM »
Roman Legion on the march north. A great big hairy kilted Scotsman jumps up on a hillock and yells, "Aye, so ye be Romans, eh? Gie me yer ten best men then!" Ten Legionaires are dispatched. Bang! #@* Crash! $&% Wallop! Five minutes later, a lone survivor struggles back. A hundred soldiers are sent back up. None return! Risking all, the commander sends the remainder of the entire legion up the hill. Screams, shouts, and the all out commotion of the battle follow! Then, on the skyline, a lone Roman officer approaches. "Sir! Sir! They've cheated! They lied! There were TWO of them all along.......!"

Barbara  ;D
"Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain

Donna

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #36 on: August 11, 2008, 11:02:56 PM »
I wish I knew some "clean" jokes that I could post...

Yes, I did print out Stu's Cake recipe and I'll be using my Capt. Morgans Rum in place of the whiskey.  A little for me...a little for the cake...a little for me...a little for the cake! 

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #37 on: August 12, 2008, 04:35:25 AM »
Donna,

That is the problem isn't it! It's difficult trying to find good 'clean' jokes for an unfamiliar audience because there's just no way to tell who's reading these posts or how easily offended some folks are by the more 'off color' stuff. I do my best to find suitable material but it can be very difficult when you see the same jokes repeated on half a dozen different websites. That's actually one of the reasons I started the poetry thread so that I can alternate and have more time find better material.

Stu
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #38 on: August 12, 2008, 06:20:45 AM »
This could have gone under poetry but was just too humorous so it's here instead.

Dolly

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey,
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.
And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more,
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll,
There were far too many lamby clones for Mary to control,
No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary,
So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.
But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary,
One problem solved, but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary.

Anonymous
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

MACTAVISH

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #39 on: August 12, 2008, 10:21:11 AM »
OK; HERES MY JOKE. PROBABLY WASTED ON YOU COLONIALS AS YOU NEED TO KNOW UK HISTORY TO APPRECIATE IT. WE DO HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS ON HUMOUR TOO,

KING HAROLD WAS MARSHALLING HIS TROOPS FOR THE BATTLE OF HASTINGS.
'SO, WHAT HAVE WE GOT ?' HE ASKED HIS MASTER AT ARMS
'WE HAVE THE BEST SWORDSMEN IN THE COUNTRY SIRE'
'SHOW ME' HAROLD SAID
THE MASTER AT ARMS NODS TO A SWORDSMAN WHO STEPS FORWARD TO A TREE AND IN A FEW STROKES THE TREE IS WITHOUT BRANCHES OR BARK.
'GREAT, SAYS HAROLD' WHAT ELSE WE GOT?'
THE BEST STAFFMEN IN THE COUNTRY'
'SHOW ME'
A STAFFMAN WALKS FORWARD AND WITH A FEW SWINGS LAYS OUT 10 MEN.
'GREAT', SAYS HAROLD' WHAT ELSE?'
'THE BEST ARCHERS SIRE'
SHOW ME'
THE MASTER NODS TO THE NEAREST BOWMAN.HE POINTS TO A SINGLE LEAF ONA TREE 100 METRES AWAY. THE ARCHER DRAWS BACK THE BOW AND RELEASES THE ARROW THAT LANDS IN THE MUD  3 FEET AHEAD.
'HE'S VERY NERVOUS SIRE, LET HIM TRY AGAIN' HAROLD AGREES.
THE ARCHER DRAWS BACK THE BOW, THE ARROW GOS WILDLY OFF TO THE LEFT.
' HE'S VERY VERY NERVOUS SIRE, SAYS THE MASTER, CAN HE TRY ONE MORE TIME?'
THE KING AGREES AND THE ARCHER FIRES AGAIN- THIS TIME FLIES WILDLY TOTHE RIGHT.
 THE KING SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF
' TELL YOU WHAT, SAID THE KING' LET THE OTHER SIDE HAVE HIM; HE'S LIKELY TO HAVE SOME SOD'S EYE OUT.!'

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #40 on: August 12, 2008, 11:47:29 AM »
MacT

I read a book about King Harold a few years back... can't recall the title but it was fascinating stuff. Could be a whole different world if he hadn't had to fight the other Harold first then turn and force march to meet William at Hastings. He still put up one hell of a fight. If only he'd had a pair of Scotsmen!
Stu
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #41 on: August 13, 2008, 09:55:57 AM »
Since we're getting historical (hysterical?)...

Who said....

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday." Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Ah'm pure brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.' Teacher: "Right class , who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. Teacher: Yes, Jeremy." Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960." Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined. Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'" Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss."

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: " Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation. Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?" Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss,meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent: "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, The first moon landing." Teacher: Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Where the f**K did all these English b*st*rds come from?" Teacher looking round the class: "Who said that?"

Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746.

See yous on Tuesday."
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Barbara

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #42 on: August 13, 2008, 02:29:15 PM »
Quote
OK; HERES MY JOKE. PROBABLY WASTED ON YOU COLONIALS AS YOU NEED TO KNOW UK HISTORY TO APPRECIATE IT. WE DO HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS ON HUMOUR TOO,

I 'resemble' that remark MacT,  I've read a lot of English and Scottish history and I love the British sense of humor (or as you spell it, humour).   ;D   I also understand it, and still I love it.  ;D

Loved the poem about "Dolly" Stu.  ;D

Barbara (The Colonial of guid Scottish stock)  ;D
"Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain

Paula Cash Womack

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #43 on: August 15, 2008, 07:24:05 AM »
This is from Edinburgh's Evening News online.   I thought y'all might like a chuckle this morning.
Have a great one.
Paula
___

Wanda's dishwasher breaks down so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! I mean it. Don't talk to my parrot."

"When the repairman arrives at Wanda's house the following day, he discovers the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lies there on the carpet watching him go about his work.

The parrot, however, drives him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman can't contain himself any longer and yells: "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replies: "Get him, Spike!"

Graham Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #44 on: August 16, 2008, 08:23:03 AM »
lol dont mess with the bird
Guess what!? I'm here to spread my words of wisdom also. Everybody fear them!!! Hahaha