Author Topic: Scottish Jokes  (Read 154697 times)

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #315 on: September 16, 2014, 06:11:06 AM »
A weegie and a Scouser go into Greggs the bakers.
The Scouser nicks 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the weegie, "Did you see that? The staff never even saw me."
The weegie says, "That's nowt mate, watch this."
So the weegie goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gi'us a pie and I'll show you some magic," and eats the pie in front of him, and then does it twice more.
The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?"
The weegie says, "Go and check that Scouser's pocket."
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

cheryllwith2ls

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #316 on: September 16, 2014, 04:41:29 PM »
Good one!  :)

Hey Stu check this out....Too funny!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6vDzf-wSbk
The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or even heard. They must be felt with the heart. - Helen Keller

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #317 on: September 27, 2014, 08:47:03 AM »
One Christmas Eve, three Glesga Guys died and approached the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "OK, if you each can come up with something related to
Christmas I'll let you in."

The first Glesga Guy takes out his car keys, and shakes them. St. Peter
asks what that had to do with Christmas. He says that it
represented the Bells of Christmas. St Peter lets him in.

The second guy takes out his keys, but he has one of those little
lights on his chain, and turns it on. St. Peter asks what that had to do
with Christmas. He says that it represented the Star of Bethlehem.
St Peter lets him in.

The third Guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of
woman's panties, and St Peter asks him what that was all about.

He says: "They're Carols"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #318 on: September 29, 2014, 08:38:15 AM »
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.



The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae a big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Donna

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #319 on: September 30, 2014, 05:58:13 PM »
 ;D  another good one, Stu !!

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #320 on: October 02, 2014, 09:25:55 AM »
Baptising a Glaswegian


A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher....
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'




The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher,



'Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

MICHAEL the Canadian

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #321 on: October 05, 2014, 06:17:18 AM »
super stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #322 on: October 08, 2014, 07:10:03 AM »
This one's for Ern...

This boy is as quick as a flash!!!


A man in Sydney walked into the produce section of his local Woolworths supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"



Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Ernestt481

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #323 on: October 08, 2014, 09:16:57 PM »
Fact is stranger than fiction.
Thanks Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #324 on: October 28, 2014, 06:37:52 AM »
Dating in the “60”s

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

“Oh, come on in!” Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in. “Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?”

“Iced tea, please,” Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea. “So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?” she asked.

“Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...”

“Peggy likes to screw, you know,” Mom informed him. “Really?” Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

“Oh yes,” the mother continued. “When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!”

“Is that so?” asked Fred, incredulous. “Yes,” said the mother. “As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!”

“Well, thanks for the tip!” Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

“Have fun, kids!” the mother said as they left.


Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.


“The Twist, Mom!” she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. “The bloody dance is called the Twist!

Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Barbara

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #325 on: November 23, 2014, 07:04:39 PM »
 ;D  ;D  ;D
"Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain

Thomas Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #326 on: December 09, 2014, 02:14:57 PM »
 




    A Scot and an Arab

   An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to build up a stock of his blood type for transfusion.

    As the gentleman had a rare type of blood and it couldn't be found locally, the call went out globally.

    Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

    After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW 5 series, a diamond encrusted Rolex and £50000.

    A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

    After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

    He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me fabulous gifts and loads of money, but you only gave me a     thank-you card and a box of Quality Street."

   To this the Arab replied:  "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

 i

 


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Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #327 on: March 12, 2015, 06:53:15 AM »
Old Archie had served the Railway Company as Guard on the local railway for nearly fifty years, and when his time to retire arrived he found the parting a severe wrench. Hearing how keenly their old employee felt leaving the service, the Company arranged to present him with an old coach to keep at the bottom of his garden to serve as a daily reminder of his active days on the line.

One very wet day some of his friends called to see Archie and were informed by his wife that he would be 'on the train.' Going down the garden they found Archie sitting on the step of the carriage, smoking furiously at his pipe and with an old sack over his shoulders to protect him from the downpour.

'Hello, Archie,' his friends greeted him, 'why are ye no inside in a day like this?'

'Can ye no see?' replied Archie with a nod towards the windows, 'they only sent me a non-smoker.'
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #328 on: March 18, 2015, 07:11:29 AM »
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #329 on: July 05, 2015, 10:36:17 AM »
A Scottish Chemistry Teacher is doing an experiment for his class. He takes a pound coin out of his wallet, drops it in a beaker of acid and asks, "Now class, will this Pound coin be dissolved by the acid?"

One pupil puts his hand up. "No sir, it definitely will not!"

The teacher smiles, "That's right, lad - well done! Now, can you explain why?"

The boy smiles back, "Well, if the acid was going to dissolve your coin, you would have used a penny."
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu