Author Topic: Scottish Jokes (Read 270259 times)

Stirling Thompson · « **Reply #45 on:** August 19, 2008, 06:59:00 AM »

Custody issue...

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Graham Thompson · « **Reply #46 on:** August 19, 2008, 04:21:42 PM »

YES!!! THAT WAS THE BEST JOKE EVER!!!

Donna · « **Reply #47 on:** August 19, 2008, 07:01:13 PM »

Hey Stu,
I love the poems but I'm glad to see you posting jokes again!

Donna

Barbara · « **Reply #48 on:** August 19, 2008, 07:21:10 PM »

Great joke Stu! I'll bet you're a lot of fun to be around.

Barbara

Stirling Thompson · « **Reply #49 on:** August 20, 2008, 06:40:41 AM »

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.

When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!"

"Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.

"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

Booner · « **Reply #50 on:** August 20, 2008, 10:05:07 PM »

ok, that was funny.

Keep 'em coming!

Booner

Stirling Thompson · « **Reply #51 on:** August 21, 2008, 10:29:29 AM »

Bells Offer

Bells Scottish Whisky manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the
Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Bells official whispers,
"Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Bells is prepared to donate £100
million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this
day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily whisky'."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord,
It must not be changed."

Well," says the Bells man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that
you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to
'Give us this day our daily whisky'."
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is
the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Bells guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Bells respect your
adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate
£500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic
church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day
our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily whisky'. Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some
good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is that the
Church will come into £500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal................
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>."We're losing the Hovis Account."

Barbara · « **Reply #52 on:** August 21, 2008, 04:18:19 PM »

Funny Stu!

Barbara

Stirling Thompson · « **Reply #53 on:** August 23, 2008, 08:06:05 AM »

You probably know the story of Greyfriars Bobby, the little Edinburgh dog who was so devoted to his master that he lay on his grave in Greyfriars churchyard for 11 years. Very moving, like syrup of figs but not the whole story.

While he lived, Bobby's master would go every night to the Haggis Catcher's Arms where Bobby would sit at his feet, good as gold, with his saucer of Teachers. When Bobby died, after his long vigil, the landlord cut off his tail and put it in a glass case over the bar as a momento. In due course Bobby arrived at heaven's gate and asked to be allowed in to join his master. "You are not Greyfriars Bobby" answered St Peter, "Greyfriars Bobby had a long bushy tail but you haven't". "My tail is down at the Haggis Catcher's Arms in a glass case" said Bobby. "Sorry" said St Peter "rules are rules and I can't let you in without a tail, go back down and fetch it." So Bobby's ghost goes back down to Edinburgh and at about 3 a.m. is outside the Haggis Catcher's barking his head off. The landlord looks out and asks what the matter is. Bobby tells him he must have his tail put back on as otherwise he can't get into heaven to join his master. "Come back in the morning" says the landlord, "I can only retail spirits during opening hours".

Mary · « **Reply #54 on:** August 24, 2008, 05:41:16 AM »

Thanks, Stu...........we needed that!

Still in VA - hoping to head for home by Wednesday. But, as we have seen already, our PLANS don't seem to mean much to reality!

Good to see you all posting and I love the jokes and the Gaelic lessons. Only thing I haven't figured out in the Gaelic is which syllable has the accent when you say the words.....

Any clue?

Miss chatting - but only get on when I can catch a signal passing through the air!

Mary

Stirling Thompson · « **Reply #55 on:** August 24, 2008, 11:31:18 AM »

An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such
great physical condition?'

I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in
such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways.

I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Da's deid?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still
alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi'
me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had
anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a
golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than
that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandad's deid?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Scottish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing
with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Donna · « **Reply #56 on:** August 24, 2008, 04:43:58 PM »

Hey Stu,
How do you come up with all these jokes! This one's my favorite!

Donna

Graham Thompson · « **Reply #57 on:** August 24, 2008, 07:37:31 PM »

That one was pretty good but I think the one with the kid getting beaten and sent off to the english team. I litterally laughed out loud

Stirling Thompson · « **Reply #58 on:** August 25, 2008, 06:44:08 AM »

Not sure if this happened in Highlands or on the Borders but here goes...

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling
in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly
bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his
shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even
closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his
left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of
the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I
don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And
the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his
head &
spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy
bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Graham Thompson · « **Reply #59 on:** August 25, 2008, 03:38:26 PM »

Hahaha go bears

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