Scottish Jokes

[Donna]

HaHaHa  Go God!!!

[Stirling Thompson]

Thanks all, it's nice to be appreciated! As to my sources... I use Google.

[Stirling Thompson]

Feeling generous I'll give ya a twofer...

An auld Scotman in a wheelchair, was taken to a smart hotel by his son. The auld man had never seen a Lift before and he was watching it closely. As they were approachin' it, an old woman, all bent over got into it and the old man sat there, watching the lights as it went up to the top floor, then down again. When the door opened, a luscious blonde walked out!. The auld man was almost choking. His son says,"What's the matter Dad?", and the auld man says, "Quick, run home and get yer Maw!".



Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns
are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have
always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win
the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and
the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

[Donna]

It's been said that laughter is the best medicine...
I think we should start calling Stu, Doctor Thompson!

Donna

[Stirling Thompson]

Donna,
Funny you should say that! My wife and I once went to Atlantic City and saw a fortune teller on the Boardwalk who told me I had been a surgeon in a previous life... of course she also said we were under a curse. Go figure!

[Donna]

Hey Stu (Dr. Thompson)
Your jokes sure do tickle me!
I don't think I had a previous life but I'm sure having a good time in this one!

Donna

[Stirling Thompson]

I couldn't resist this one! I think it may have been in the same forest as the Christian bear, OMG!

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech, or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'

[Donna]

THIS WAS A GOOD ONE!    You get a blue ribbon for your jokes!

Donna

[Stirling Thompson]

Gift from God!

There was a Church of Scotland Minister whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the
Congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Minister's family expanded so would his salary.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Minister's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Minister stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."

[Donna]

Hey Stu,

Congratulations on your new rank of Full Member!!

Donna

[Mary]

I liked the last joke, Stu!  With 9 grandkids, I can look at it in several ways!

I'm NEVER going to get to 100 to be a full member.....I basically LOST 5 weeks with almost no connectivity in Virginia!     Shoot!

[Donna]

Look again, my friend!   Your status shows 104 posts and you just made Full Member!   

Donna

[Stirling Thompson]

Having a quiet weekend. Thought I should post something.


Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I canny button me pants."

"Oh Angus...I've got mah hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald wid help ye with it"

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to ye? Did ye ask her like Ah told you?"

"Aye" says Angus.."Ah asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...

[Stirling Thompson]

Some advice for Graham before the wedding!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives their duties.

Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife that she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that was needed done at their house.

He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he come to a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking.

He told them that the first day he had not seen any results but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean the dishes were done and he had a huge meal on the table.

The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and a hot meal on the table every meal time.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye ..... Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and call a gardener.

[Donna]

and the next blue ribbon goes to ALL THE SCOTTISH WOMEN!

Donna