Scottish Jokes

[Graham Thompson]

lol nice work Stu. Ya I dont want to mess with my finacee. She played hockey for 16 years and shes gonna start playing again in the next few. Man that women can crush cinder blocks with her legs

[Stirling Thompson]

Ah! Remember when...

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Harold had a
date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Harold in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Harold said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the cafe, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mum informed him.
"Really?" Harold asked, eyebrows rose.
"Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Harold, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip!" Harold said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied
back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Harold.
"Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.
"Twist, Mum!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The
Twist, dammit! It's called the Twist!

[Stirling Thompson]

A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep,
the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if
you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says,
"I've got a better idea .let's kidd-on wir married.

" Why not," giggles the woman.

Good", he replies. "Get your own blanket"

[Stirling Thompson]

A man owned a small farm in Kelso (relocated from Aberdeenshire just to make it relevent).

The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying
proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The
cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per
week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit.

He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of
whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.


'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

[Stirling Thompson]

Not our Barbara... right?

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes miss. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara.

She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whisky, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
 
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"



"Stay away from Aunt Barbara when she's been drinking."

[Stirling Thompson]

Missing chapter from Genisis maybe?


In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And so they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

[MACTAVISH]

the works foreman approached dougie and shuggie and asked one of them to work overtime. dougie said he'd do it on condition that shuggie popped round to tell his wife he was staying over .
wee shuggie knocked on dougie's door and was invited in. he explained that dougie was doing overtime and stayed for a cup of tea.he said-
' dougies a lucky man. I would give £20 just to kiss a woman as pretty as you.'
'what kind of woman doyou think iam?'she replied.......'£20?.....come on then.'
 shuggie continues' i would give £50 just to cuddle up onthe sofa with a woman as pretty as you'
' what kind of woman............£50? ....ok then'
'i would give £200 to have sex with a woman as beautiful as you' said shuggie
' i dont know what........£200? .....come on!'she says
they get stuck in and shuggie leaves before dougie comes home.
' did wee shuggie pop round and tell you i was doing the overtime?' he askedhis flushed wife.
' yes, he did'she replied
......and did he give you my wages?

[Stirling Thompson]

Way to go MacT! Good one!

Like the Irishman told the priest when he said he needed three chairs...

Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray!

[Mary]

A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."

[Stirling Thompson]

The old favourite farmer's joke tells of the farmer's daughter who was engaged to be married to a bright and polished young solicitor. When she first brought her fiance" to visit the home her father engaged in conversation with the young man about his success with his crops.
'I have rhubarb sticks like hurleys,' he said.
'And how do you get them to grow so big,' asked the young man.
'Oh, loads of manure,' answered the farmer. 'And my turnips are as big as footballs.'
'And to what do you attribute your success with turnips?' asked the young solicitor.
'Oh loads of manure,' said the farmer again.
'Loads of manure,' was the secret of the success of the farmer's cabbage, parsnips and every other crop that he spoke to the young man about. When the evening was over an embarrassed daughter called her mother to the kitchen and, almost in tears, begged her to get her father to use the word 'fertiliser' when in polite company. Her mother's answer was: 'If you only knew how long it took me to get him to say "manure".'

[Graham Thompson]

I love the Aunt Barbara one, it is so funny. And I know im 2 days behind

[Barbara]

Ok, this is just not fair!!!!  I've been off my computer for a week and you all are just having too much fun without me!!!  And here I was thinking you couldn't live without my graceful presence.    <<bottom lip quivering, sniffle, sniffle>>   

I will get caught up....I will get caught up.......

Love everyone's jokes, they certainly brighten a person's day, thanks to all.   

Barbara

[Forum_mgr]

Not to worry, Ms Barbara -

We are just trying to make your recovery less tedious  - we miss you desperately and can't wait for you to be 'computer-bound' again!

F.M.

[Forum_mgr]

And to help carry my weight -

McTavish, the Scottish angler died and was met at the Golden Gates by Saint Peter. "You've told too many lies to come in here," said Saint Peter. "Have a heart," replied McTavish, "you were a fisherman yourself once." 

Jock McTavish." A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap rates."

It's amazing how many Scottish  jokes use "McTavish" and/or how many dogs are named McTavish!

F.M.

[Stirling Thompson]

Joe goes to confession. "Father, I've sinned I used the F word."

The Priest said, "Now Joe I've known you a long time, it's not like you, tell me the circumstances."

Joe said, "Well I was playing golf, and at the first hole, I hit the sweetest drive ever, I knew when I hit it, that it was going to make the green, maybe even a hole in one. The ball travelled only 100 yards when it hit a seagull."

"Then you said that word", says the Priest.

"No", says Joe, "the ball dropped to the ground and a squirrel picked it up and ran off."

"Then you said that word", says the Priest.

"No Father", says Joe. "An eagle swooped down and picked up the squirrel, and flew away."

"Then you said that word", says the Priest.

"No Father", says Joe, "the squirrel dropped the ball, it hit a rock and bounced six times on to the green and landed eight inches from the hole."

The Priest said, "Joe you're not going to tell me you missed the putt."