Scottish Jokes

[MACTAVISH]

YES MY NAME DOES SEEM TO BE THE ONE COINED IN JOKES. THERES A VERY ANNOYING POSTCARD ALL OVER THE COUNTRY WITH THE PUNCHLINE' MCTAVISH DROPPED A PENNY AND BENT DOWN SO FAST TO RETRIEVE IT -IT HIT HIM ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD!'
ITS PERHAPS A COMPLIMENT THAT THE NAME EVOKES SCOTLAND. JACK ROSENTHAL, AUTHOR OF 'LONDONS BURNING'- IN HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY REFERS TO' CHANGING HIS NATIONALITY TO SCOTS AND CALLING HIMSELF'MACTAVISH'
IN THE FALL AND RISE OF REGINALD PERIN- HE DECIDES TO TAKE ON A NEW IDENTITY- A SCOT CALLED MACTAVISH.
PETS? MY WESTIES PARENTS WERE= MOTHER; 'FULL OF BEANS' FATHER=' LORD FONTAGUE SMYTHE' AND HIS GIVEN NAME? ' LACHLAN MACTAVISH OF DUNARDRY'! YOU SEE WHY I HAD TO BUY HIM! INCIDENTALLY THE WEST HIGHLAND WHITE TERRIER WAS FIRST BRED BY MALCOLM POLTALLOCH ON DUNARDRY LAND.
 GLASGOW HAS A HUGE HOSPITAL AND A STRAY CAT HAS BEEN ADOPTED THERE, HE HAS THE RUN OF THE GROUNDS AND IS FED BY ALL THE NURSES AND PATIENTS. HES A HUGE MOTH EATEN OLD THING WITH MANY BATTLE SCARS AND AN EAR MISSING. NAME/ MACTAVISH!

[Stirling Thompson]

Glasgow Commonwealth Games.

OPENING CEREMONY
The Commonwealth flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Easterhouse area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.

THE EVENTS
Glasgaes previous competitors have not been particularly successful.
In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes...

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets,hedges,gardens, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer,(Claw,Sledge etc.)
The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.

SHOOTING
A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows:-
1 - A Moving Police Van.
2 - A Post Office Clerk.
3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver.
4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child.
NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'.

BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games.
The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgae University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike, owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home. - Against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing,joyriding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog ****, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Clyde run through Glasgae?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged.

Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.

RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Kilbride and get it back to Glasgae using at least four different stolen cars.

ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.

DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest.
In addition the following 'exhibition events'designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.

[Graham Thompson]

Are you sure those are the Glasgow Commonwealth Games and not the North End Winnipeg Everyday Life Games

[Barbara]

Thanks Stu, MacT and FM for all the jokes.....keep them coming.  Also thanks FM for the kind words.

Barbara

[Stirling Thompson]

Must've been the grape juice!

There is a little village in Wales named: "LANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLLGOGERYCHWYRNDROBWLLLLANTYSILIOGOGOGOC". Many, many years ago, on the side of the road leading into the village, there used to be a sign announcing the towns name, made of letters carved in wood. Naturally this sign was very long and very expensive to maintain.
One day, the village council, always short of money, decided to replace the long wooden sign with a short metal sign which wouldnt cost so much to maintain. They decided to offer the old sign to any museum that was interested. The Scottich National Museum offered to take the sign and display it. Robert Burns saw it and was so impressed by it that he wrote the now-famous Scottish song "OLD LONG SIGN"

[Stirling Thompson]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along. So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple this was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations,
he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other
end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No" she said,

"I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde ."

[MACTAVISH]

HERS A -HOPEFULLY- MODIFIED SCOTTISH (SQUADDIE) JOKE . IM GOING TO SUBDUE IT GREATLY FOR YOU GENTEEL COLONIALISTS AND HOPE IT DOESNT LOSE ITS UMPH!
 A WOMAN WENT INTO SEX SHOP. SHE ASKED THE ASSISTANT FOR A ********-(IT TAKES BATTERIES AND BUZZES.)
THE MAN TOLD HER THAT THERE WERE MANY TO CHOOSE FROM; ALL SHAPES SIZES AND COLOURS.
'I'LL HAVE THAT ONE THERE;' SHE SAID,'THE TARTAN ONE'

THATS MY FLASK

[Barbara]

MacT, over here it's "I'll have that one there."

"Sorry, that's the fire extinguisher." 

Barbara

[Graham Thompson]

Make sure you dont use that fire extinguisher the worng way or that may be painful

[Barbara]

Graham, now ya did it get on over in the corner and put your nose to the wall......and no party'n with the rest of those already there....less'n I get to come too!    

Barbara 

[Stirling Thompson]

In the wild highlands of Scotland, Iain's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.


To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Iain!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

Then Iain scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[Stirling Thompson]

Creation vs Evolution!

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human
race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;
they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same
question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago
there were monkeys from which the human race
evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said,
'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human
race was created by God, and Mummy said they developed
from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family, and your mother
told you about hers.'

[Graham Thompson]

I love it

[Stirling Thompson]

Have two... they're small!

The MacTavish brothers decided that one of their number would go to America and make his fortune, coming back to share with the rest of them. The youngest, Ian, was chosen for this task. Off he went, and he worked hard in America, and earned himself a fortune over a few years, and wired his brothers that he'd be returning with it. When he came back to Scotland he got off the boat, and looked around for his brothers, but could not see anyone who looked familiar. Finally, a group of bearded strangers approached. "Ho, Ian, are ye not knowing yer own brothers?" asked the first one. Then Ian realized his brothers had grown beards.

"Fer heaven's sake, laddies, what would ye be growin' them beards for, now?" he asked.

"We had to, lad, ye took the razor wi' ye!"

*****************************************************************************

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

So he said; "What's all this about?"

She said, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby fired back..."What about your 50 year old arse?"

"Your name never came up." She replied.

[Graham Thompson]

  nice one, very nice