Author Topic: Non-Scottish Jokes!  (Read 65533 times)

Donna

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #30 on: June 28, 2009, 02:38:22 AM »
 ;D        ;D        ;D      ;D
This is the best one yet!

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #31 on: June 29, 2009, 07:33:33 AM »
Little Johnny on the Phone

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny.

May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child., "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Donna

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #32 on: June 29, 2009, 04:37:48 PM »
This reminded me of something that happened when my daughter was about 10 years old...

Her best friend went missing!   Her parents had the Police and all the neighbors out looking for the little girl.   It was getting dark and still no sign of her!  We were all so afraid that something tragic had happened to her!

The child had gone up into the attic and through a small window out onto the roof of the house...she was laying in the sun and just took a little nap!  About dinner time she came back through the small window...into the attic....down to the kitchen, where her parents found her searching thru the Frig for something to eat!

Donna

ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Ernest Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #33 on: June 29, 2009, 05:09:24 PM »
One from Down-under.
A Texan rancher was visiting a homestead in Oz and was being shown around by the Homesteader.
He showed the Texan his wheat field and the Texan said, "Why we have wheatfields twice that big in Texas".
Next he showed him his herd of cattle and the Texan said, "Why we have Long horns that are twice as big in Texas".
Then he showed him the next pasture and bounding across it was a herd of Kangaroo. The Texan said, "What the hell was that?"
With which the Aussie replied, "Don't you have grass hoppers in Texas?"


Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #34 on: June 30, 2009, 10:14:14 AM »
Aussie version of the Book of Genesis... just for Ern!

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Ernest Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #35 on: June 30, 2009, 06:21:15 PM »
You better believe it!!!!!!

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #36 on: July 23, 2009, 08:34:56 AM »
Lots of complaints lately in MA about elderly drivers so I thought I should share this one...

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection..

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Donna

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #37 on: July 23, 2009, 07:41:40 PM »
Hey there Stu,
This granny sounds a bit like me!

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #38 on: July 28, 2009, 04:46:43 PM »
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word and allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and timbuktu.

The Abo won.
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Donna

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #39 on: August 08, 2009, 11:34:15 PM »
Here are a few jokes while we wait for Stu's return...


1. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.


2. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.


3. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.


4. If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.


5. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (Hey! Now everything is possible!)
he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.


6. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.


7. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.


8. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.


9. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and
married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.


10. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop
Doggy Dogg Pooh.



And, I'll add one more for good measure  :D

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she would become.....Elevator  ::)


Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Barbara

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #40 on: August 09, 2009, 07:50:35 PM »
Donna, you're hilarious!   ;D  Thanks for taking over for Stu 'til he's back.

Barbara
"Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain

Donna

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #41 on: August 09, 2009, 11:44:46 PM »
I tried to find a poem for y'all...  ;)


Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school
between two chunks of bread.


(I think I'll just leave the poetry to the professionals  ;D )

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #42 on: October 05, 2009, 06:16:55 AM »
The ATM Drive-through

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

Procedure for Men:

   1. Drive up to the ATM (cash machine).
   2. Wind down your car window.
   3. Insert card into ATM and enter PIN.
   4. Enter amount of cash required and take the notes.
   5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
   6. Wind-up window.
   7. Drive off.

Procedure for Women:

   1. Drive up to cash machine.
   2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the ATM.
   3. Set parking brake, put the window down.  Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat, finally locate the card.
   4. Tell girl friend on mobile phone that you will call her back and hang up.  Attempt to insert card into machine.
   5. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its distance from the car.  Insert debit card.
   6. Re-insert card the right way.
   7. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the address page.
   8. Enter PIN.
   9. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
  10. Enter amount of cash required.
  11. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
  12. Retrieve notes and receipt
  13. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
  14. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
  15. Re-check makeup.
  16. Drive forward 2 feet.
  17. Reverse back to cash machine.
  18. Retrieve card.
  19. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
  20. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you Dress - Wash it Again
  21. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
  22. Redial person on cell phone.
  23. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
  24. Release Parking Brake.
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #43 on: October 06, 2009, 09:52:00 AM »
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress;

'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters; 'No...

not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #44 on: November 02, 2009, 06:04:27 AM »
Pay attention guys!

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed... 'I meant my dress size, you jackass!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu