Non-Scottish Jokes!

[Stirling Thompson]

Out of the mouths of babes...


She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

 ********************************************************************

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."

He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

 ********************************************************************


After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

 ********************************************************************
 

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

 ********************************************************************
 

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

 ********************************************************************
 

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

 ********************************************************************
 

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

 ********************************************************************
 

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

 ********************************************************************
 

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

"That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

[Donna]

Hey Stu 

It's so nice to have you and your jokes back again!   This is sooooo cute!

Donna

[Stirling Thompson]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?

[Barbara]

     ..... .....

Barbara

[Stirling Thompson]

Who is your role model?

TO FIND OUT WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL DO THE SIMPLE ARITHMETIC BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.








1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9



2) Multiply by 3 then



3) Add 3


4) Then again Multiply by 3 (Get the
calculator.)


5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...


6) Add the digits together





Now Scroll down
................















With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:









1. Einstein


2. Oprah Winfrey


3. Snoopy


4. Bill Clinton


5. Bill Gates


6. Gandhi


7. Brad Pitt


8. Babe Ruth


9. Stu Thompson (I know, I know... I just have that effect on people. One day, you too can be like me.)

[Donna]

Well, I knew Stu was a good role model without doing all that math!

Donna

[Stirling Thompson]

With only 85 days till I retire...

I'm Tired of Working!



For a couple years now I've been blaming this feeling on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 300 million. 167 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[Donna]

Hey Stu,
Actually that leaves only YOU to do all the work!   I'm already retired 

Donna

[Stirling Thompson]

Little Known Christmas Fact

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the  kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
 

[Thomas Thompson]

I don't think anyone can top you Stu.
Tom

[Barbara]

No, no one can top Stu.  Did you put this one up last year Stu?

CHRISTMAS FAIRY
 
 I am a little fairy
 On tap o' the Christmas Tree
 It's no' a job I fancy
 Well how would you like tae be me
 
 A tarted up wi' tinsel
 It's enough to mak ye boak
 An a couple o' jaggy branches
 Rammed up the back o' your frock
 
 An' these wee lights a'roon me
 I canna get my sleep
 An' there's the yearly visit
 Fae Santa - Big fat creep!
 
 On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here
 While you're a' wirin' in
 An' naebody says "Hey you up there
 Could you go a slug o' gin?
 
 It's nae joke bein' a fairy
 The job's beyond belief
 You've got to go roon' the wean's beds
 An' lift their rotten teeth
 
 But o' a' the joabs a fairy gets
 An' I've mentioned only so me
 The very worst is sitting up a tree
 Wi' pine needles up yir bum

 When a' the fairies meet again
 By the light of' the silvery moon
 Ye can tell the Christmas fairies
 They're the wans that canna sit doon

The Christmas tree's a bonny sight
 As the firelight softly flickers
 But think o' me I'm stuck up  here
 Wi' needles in my knickers
 
 So soon as Christmas time's right by
 An' I stop bein' sae full o' cheer
 I'll get awa back tae Fairyland

 An' I'll see yous a' next year.


I can't remember where I found this but had it saved for some reason. 

Barbara

[Stirling Thompson]

Thanks Barbara! No, I haven't seen this before, it's great! Actually, sometimes I forget what I've posted and have to go back over the old posts to see what's there. It's tough to get old and the memory starts to fail but I'm sure you don't have that problem at your tender age!

[Stirling Thompson]

Santa Claus' gender...

I think Santa Claus is a woman

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

Santa Claus is a Woman? (A Rebuttal)

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:

First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat."

What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.

And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.

The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and Latte's.
Also, a male Santa would judiciously takes a bite from each cookie to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor.

Santa doesn't need to ask directions. A female Santa would get her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides, she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then complain about the way he drove.

She-Santa would never say "HO HO HO". She would analyze it too much and think it was somehow demeaning.

Would any self respecting female Santa really be seen wearing the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to have a new one each year. And red would not be the color. It would be more like pink or purple.

She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you are going to make the deer wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs.

Yup, Santa's a guy alright!

[Barbara]

This is great!  Haven't seen this before.  Thanks for the chuckle.

Er...Stu....I'm well aquainted with the failing memory.   

Barbara

[Stirling Thompson]

THE SIGN

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by
the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

The End is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now!
Before it's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, " Leave us alone, you
religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"