Author Topic: Non-Scottish Jokes!  (Read 65606 times)

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #60 on: March 24, 2010, 07:34:40 AM »
A religious young woman goes to Confession and begins:

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned ....."

The Priest interrupts:

"Confess your sins and be forgiven !"

"Well," the young lady continues uncertainly. "Last night my boyfriend made mad and passionate love to me, seven times !"

The priest thinks long and hard and then says:

"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice !"

"Will that absolve me of my sins ?" asks the young woman.

"No," replies the priest. But it will wipe that smile off your face !"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

John ThomsonHollingsworth

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #61 on: July 21, 2010, 01:48:33 PM »
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #62 on: July 22, 2010, 07:43:54 AM »
Good one John!
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Sis Thompson's oldest

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #63 on: July 22, 2010, 07:49:21 AM »
..................'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'


Excellent!
The bad news? There is no key to the universe. The good news? It was never locked.

Sis Thompson's oldest

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #64 on: July 22, 2010, 08:08:06 AM »
WOO HOO!
I just noticed I'm a junior member! ;D
The bad news? There is no key to the universe. The good news? It was never locked.

John ThomsonHollingsworth

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #65 on: July 22, 2010, 07:15:43 PM »
Hey Sherry
Me Too: a Jr Member

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #66 on: September 08, 2010, 10:29:40 AM »
It's been awhile...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

John ThomsonHollingsworth

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #67 on: September 09, 2010, 02:00:11 AM »
Very Funny Stu

Sis Thompson's oldest

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #68 on: September 09, 2010, 09:10:59 AM »
yep.......very funny!

 :D
The bad news? There is no key to the universe. The good news? It was never locked.

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #69 on: September 10, 2010, 10:35:58 AM »
Surfing Grandma

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Thomas Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #70 on: September 10, 2010, 07:35:25 PM »
I don't know where you find all of these tidbits; even more importantly don't stop posting them. I really enjoy the jokes and the poems.
Tom

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #71 on: September 14, 2010, 11:41:04 AM »
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his only son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive barmitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him.
Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi.
"Like you I, too, brought my only boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune,
then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the father.

"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did He say?" pressed the father.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me.
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

John ThomsonHollingsworth

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #72 on: September 23, 2010, 06:26:40 PM »
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #73 on: November 02, 2010, 12:22:23 PM »
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo Indian reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts
said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these a***holes. They have come to steal your land."
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #74 on: November 20, 2010, 10:55:38 AM »
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all daylong.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it.

You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality..Whispering......










Dave........










Dave........













........you're a vet
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu