Author Topic: Non-Scottish Jokes!  (Read 34173 times)

Donna

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #75 on: November 21, 2010, 09:04:11 PM »
Stu, you're killing me !!!!! ;D

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #76 on: December 22, 2010, 09:46:20 AM »
CHANGING CHRISTMAS:
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. . . Please read the following carefully:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Canada and the northern boarder states.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus; sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ., when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.

5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I herd dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and It’s a “Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox”, Cledus T. Judd “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack”, and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It.

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

John ThomsonHollingsworth

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #77 on: December 23, 2010, 06:32:02 PM »
From this week's Electric Scotland forum which is updated every Thursday Evening

http://www.electricscotland.org/showthread.php/1186-Newsletter-December-24th-2010

Fruity Xmas

"I told my kids," said the loudmouth in the bar, "that when I was their age, all I got at Christmas was an orange and an apple.

"But all my son said was, Wow! .... a mobile phone and a computer - not bad'."

Merry Christmas to all Thomsons even those with a "p"
John Thomson Hollingsworth


Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #78 on: June 13, 2011, 12:33:58 PM »
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally ."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -
fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No".
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Mary

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #79 on: June 15, 2011, 02:09:31 PM »
OK - we have the lines down patt.................now, all we need is for that darn truck to come by OUR place!!!

Good one!

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #80 on: June 18, 2011, 07:32:37 AM »
Holiday inn

No nursing home for us.
We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . .. . or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

The grandkids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.


AIDS WARNING!

To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you......
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #81 on: June 23, 2011, 09:20:22 AM »
Cup of Tea ~

One day a mother was out, and the dad was left in charge of his little daughter.

She was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, the mom came home.

The dad made her wait in the living room to watch the little girl bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know),"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #82 on: July 07, 2011, 04:19:19 PM »
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door'.
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #83 on: October 26, 2011, 11:38:22 AM »
A Woman's Poem
�Unknown

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked him one...

Like his mother used to do.
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #84 on: February 17, 2012, 11:20:51 AM »
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"


And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Mary

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #85 on: February 17, 2012, 04:18:26 PM »
It's funny that you would post THIS poem right UNDER the other one!    Snark, snark!


Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #86 on: March 16, 2012, 04:27:44 AM »
Sure is dead around here lately...

 FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived.   Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven..
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. 
However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you.   We have heard a lot about you.
I must   tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, 
and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone. 
The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St.. Peter, sir.   
But nobody ever told me about any entrance
exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
as it was.'

St.. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.


First:
What two days of the week
begin with the letter T?


Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?


Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. 
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy.   That would be Today and Tomorrow..'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer.   How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
  'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, 
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too.   
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions, 
but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'


Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu