Author Topic: Non-Scottish Jokes!  (Read 34174 times)

Stirling Thompson

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Non-Scottish Jokes!
« on: March 08, 2009, 09:30:44 AM »
By request???

Maybe this could be a Scottish joke if we changed the dog to Border Collie!

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

John ThomsonHollingsworth

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2009, 06:07:51 AM »
Yes, but a border collie would not get lost.

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2009, 06:45:52 AM »
Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Donna

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2009, 12:36:26 AM »
Good ones Stu  ;D
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2009, 11:50:10 AM »
How about an Aussie joke for Ern!

It was April (seasons are reversed down under) and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia
asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old
secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect
firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of
Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite
cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood
in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look
like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure
that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going
to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals
in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure
sign.'
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Donna

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2009, 06:30:04 PM »
That's another good one, Stu    ;D

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2009, 10:43:50 AM »
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores.
Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Do not nag him.
Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2009, 10:55:06 AM »
This may explain the punchline in the previous joke...

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AA is not an option. I will win.
__________________________________________________ ___

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
__________________________________________________ ___

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
__________________________________________________ ___

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
__________________________________________________ ___

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
__________________________________________________ ___

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
__________________________________________________ __

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
__________________________________________________ _

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
__________________________________________________ __

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE TO HELP WOMEN BETTER UNDERSTAND MEN.

Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2009, 10:08:29 AM »
Blonde Kidnapping

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately.

To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under
the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.

The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Barbara

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2009, 10:34:11 PM »
Since I'm a brunette I love blond jokes.  ;D   I know, I know, blond jokes are so short so brunettes can understand them.... ::)   ;D

Barbara
"Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #10 on: April 14, 2009, 10:10:51 AM »
Katey don't read this one...


A little girl asked her mother, "Mommy, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?"

Her mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Daddy, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mommy,
but she said that Susie was in heat, and for me to ask to you."

Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay,you can go now,
but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a short time later with the leash
but without the dog. Her Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute. She ran out of gas
about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.

Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Barbara

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2009, 06:10:18 PM »
 ;D  ;D  ;D

Barbara
"Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #12 on: May 03, 2009, 11:50:07 AM »
Presents for the Teacher!

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2009, 10:43:06 AM »
0 to 200 in 6 seconds!

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Donna

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Re: Non-Scottish Jokes!
« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2009, 03:53:49 PM »
Thanks Stu, this was another gooe one!  :D

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !