clanforum
General Category => General Scottish => Topic started by: Stirling Thompson on March 08, 2009, 09:30:44 AM
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By request???
Maybe this could be a Scottish joke if we changed the dog to Border Collie!
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
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Yes, but a border collie would not get lost.
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Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
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Good ones Stu ;D
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How about an Aussie joke for Ern!
It was April (seasons are reversed down under) and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia
asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old
secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect
firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of
Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite
cold.'
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood
in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look
like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure
that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going
to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals
in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure
sign.'
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That's another good one, Stu ;D
Donna
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores.
Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Do not nag him.
Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
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This may explain the punchline in the previous joke...
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AA is not an option. I will win.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
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THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE TO HELP WOMEN BETTER UNDERSTAND MEN.
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Blonde Kidnapping
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately.
To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under
the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.
The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
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Since I'm a brunette I love blond jokes. ;D I know, I know, blond jokes are so short so brunettes can understand them.... ::) ;D
Barbara
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Katey don't read this one...
A little girl asked her mother, "Mommy, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?"
Her mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Daddy, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mommy,
but she said that Susie was in heat, and for me to ask to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay,you can go now,
but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a short time later with the leash
but without the dog. Her Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"
The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute. She ran out of gas
about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.
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;D ;D ;D
Barbara
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Presents for the Teacher!
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "
That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
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0 to 200 in 6 seconds!
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Thanks Stu, this was another gooe one! :D
Donna
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6 reasons not to mess with children.
(1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.'
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'
(2)
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
(3)
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
(4)
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
(5)
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
(6)
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
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Oh. come on!
Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darndest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep,
Wife: And from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
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HEy Stu,
I was beginning to think you were almost out of the clean jokes!
Donna
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1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.'
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'
As a past teacher, THIS ONE IS PRICELESS!!!! Thanks, Stu!
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Little Johnny's birthday
Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted for his birthday.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday".
Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny
Johnny knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2: Dear God, this is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Johnny
Johnny knew that this wasn't true either so he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3: Dear God, I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a red bike for my birthday. Johnny
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either so he wrote another letter.
Letter 4: Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you. Johnny
Johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his Mom that he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked, as Johnny looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," she told him.
Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Johnny went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5: God, I've got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike. Signed You Know Who.
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My ribs hurt from laughing so hard!
Thanks ;D
Donna
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Stu, I was trying to say that the joke was a GOOD one. (I've got to remember to use that spell check) :-\
Donna
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A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.
Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.
A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass".
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Oh! that was a good one!!! ;D ;D ;D
Barbara
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Lil' Johnny's mother took him with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager.
As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the woman in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT." The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide." At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.
Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!"
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Reminds me of somethhing Katey did when she was about 3 at the top of her lungs! Karma ;D
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That's kinda why I posted it. I had a similar experience with my oldest daughter when she was little. ;)
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So did I, with my oldest daughter! ;D Don't most parents? ::) ;D
Barbara
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
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And then the fight started (with my wife)...
1.
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
2.
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started….
3.
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
4.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…
5.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…
6.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started….
7.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
8.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””
Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…
10.
A wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The reply was: ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…
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;D ;D ;D ;D
This is the best one yet!
Donna
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Little Johnny on the Phone
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered Little Johnny.
May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child., "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"
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This reminded me of something that happened when my daughter was about 10 years old...
Her best friend went missing! Her parents had the Police and all the neighbors out looking for the little girl. It was getting dark and still no sign of her! We were all so afraid that something tragic had happened to her!
The child had gone up into the attic and through a small window out onto the roof of the house...she was laying in the sun and just took a little nap! About dinner time she came back through the small window...into the attic....down to the kitchen, where her parents found her searching thru the Frig for something to eat!
Donna
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One from Down-under.
A Texan rancher was visiting a homestead in Oz and was being shown around by the Homesteader.
He showed the Texan his wheat field and the Texan said, "Why we have wheatfields twice that big in Texas".
Next he showed him his herd of cattle and the Texan said, "Why we have Long horns that are twice as big in Texas".
Then he showed him the next pasture and bounding across it was a herd of Kangaroo. The Texan said, "What the hell was that?"
With which the Aussie replied, "Don't you have grass hoppers in Texas?"
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Aussie version of the Book of Genesis... just for Ern!
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!
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You better believe it!!!!!!
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Lots of complaints lately in MA about elderly drivers so I thought I should share this one...
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection..
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
-
Hey there Stu,
This granny sounds a bit like me!
Donna
-
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word and allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and timbuktu.
The Abo won.
-
Here are a few jokes while we wait for Stu's return...
1. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
2. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
3. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
4. If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
5. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (Hey! Now everything is possible!)
he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
6. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
7. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
8. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
9. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and
married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
10. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop
Doggy Dogg Pooh.
And, I'll add one more for good measure :D
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she would become.....Elevator ::)
Donna
-
Donna, you're hilarious! ;D Thanks for taking over for Stu 'til he's back.
Barbara
-
I tried to find a poem for y'all... ;)
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school
between two chunks of bread.
(I think I'll just leave the poetry to the professionals ;D )
Donna
-
The ATM Drive-through
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
Procedure for Men:
1. Drive up to the ATM (cash machine).
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into ATM and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and take the notes.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind-up window.
7. Drive off.
Procedure for Women:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the ATM.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat, finally locate the card.
4. Tell girl friend on mobile phone that you will call her back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
5. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its distance from the car. Insert debit card.
6. Re-insert card the right way.
7. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the address page.
8. Enter PIN.
9. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
10. Enter amount of cash required.
11. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
12. Retrieve notes and receipt
13. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
14. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
15. Re-check makeup.
16. Drive forward 2 feet.
17. Reverse back to cash machine.
18. Retrieve card.
19. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
20. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you Dress - Wash it Again
21. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
22. Redial person on cell phone.
23. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
24. Release Parking Brake.
-
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress;
'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters; 'No...
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
-
Pay attention guys!
To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed... 'I meant my dress size, you jackass!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
-
Out of the mouths of babes...
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
********************************************************************
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
********************************************************************
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
********************************************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
********************************************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
********************************************************************
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
********************************************************************
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
********************************************************************
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
********************************************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
-
Hey Stu ;)
It's so nice to have you and your jokes back again! This is sooooo cute!
Donna
-
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?
-
;D ;D ;D..... ::)..... ;D
Barbara
-
Who is your role model?
TO FIND OUT WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL DO THE SIMPLE ARITHMETIC BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3
4) Then again Multiply by 3 (Get the
calculator.)
5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...
6) Add the digits together
Now Scroll down
................
With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Snoopy
4. Bill Clinton
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Brad Pitt
8. Babe Ruth
9. Stu Thompson (I know, I know... I just have that effect on people. One day, you too can be like me.)
-
Well, I knew Stu was a good role model without doing all that math!
Donna
-
With only 85 days till I retire...
I'm Tired of Working!
For a couple years now I've been blaming this feeling on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 300 million. 167 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
-
Hey Stu,
Actually that leaves only YOU to do all the work! I'm already retired :D
Donna
-
Little Known Christmas Fact
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
-
I don't think anyone can top you Stu.
Tom
-
No, no one can top Stu. Did you put this one up last year Stu?
CHRISTMAS FAIRY
I am a little fairy
On tap o' the Christmas Tree
It's no' a job I fancy
Well how would you like tae be me
A tarted up wi' tinsel
It's enough to mak ye boak
An a couple o' jaggy branches
Rammed up the back o' your frock
An' these wee lights a'roon me
I canna get my sleep
An' there's the yearly visit
Fae Santa - Big fat creep!
On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here
While you're a' wirin' in
An' naebody says "Hey you up there
Could you go a slug o' gin?
It's nae joke bein' a fairy
The job's beyond belief
You've got to go roon' the wean's beds
An' lift their rotten teeth
But o' a' the joabs a fairy gets
An' I've mentioned only so me
The very worst is sitting up a tree
Wi' pine needles up yir bum
When a' the fairies meet again
By the light of' the silvery moon
Ye can tell the Christmas fairies
They're the wans that canna sit doon
The Christmas tree's a bonny sight
As the firelight softly flickers
But think o' me I'm stuck up here
Wi' needles in my knickers
So soon as Christmas time's right by
An' I stop bein' sae full o' cheer
I'll get awa back tae Fairyland
An' I'll see yous a' next year.
I can't remember where I found this but had it saved for some reason. :-\
Barbara
-
Thanks Barbara! No, I haven't seen this before, it's great! Actually, sometimes I forget what I've posted and have to go back over the old posts to see what's there. It's tough to get old and the memory starts to fail but I'm sure you don't have that problem at your tender age!
-
Santa Claus' gender...
I think Santa Claus is a woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
Santa Claus is a Woman? (A Rebuttal)
There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:
First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat."
What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.
And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.
If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.
The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and Latte's.
Also, a male Santa would judiciously takes a bite from each cookie to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor.
Santa doesn't need to ask directions. A female Santa would get her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides, she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then complain about the way he drove.
She-Santa would never say "HO HO HO". She would analyze it too much and think it was somehow demeaning.
Would any self respecting female Santa really be seen wearing the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to have a new one each year. And red would not be the color. It would be more like pink or purple.
She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you are going to make the deer wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs.
Yup, Santa's a guy alright!
-
This is great! Haven't seen this before. Thanks for the chuckle.
Er...Stu....I'm well aquainted with the failing memory. ;D
Barbara
-
THE SIGN
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by
the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:
The End is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now!
Before it's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, " Leave us alone, you
religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"
-
A religious young woman goes to Confession and begins:
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned ....."
The Priest interrupts:
"Confess your sins and be forgiven !"
"Well," the young lady continues uncertainly. "Last night my boyfriend made mad and passionate love to me, seven times !"
The priest thinks long and hard and then says:
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice !"
"Will that absolve me of my sins ?" asks the young woman.
"No," replies the priest. But it will wipe that smile off your face !"
-
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
-
Good one John!
-
..................'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
Excellent!
-
WOO HOO!
I just noticed I'm a junior member! ;D
-
Hey Sherry
Me Too: a Jr Member
-
It's been awhile...
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
-
Very Funny Stu
-
yep.......very funny!
:D
-
Surfing Grandma
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
-
I don't know where you find all of these tidbits; even more importantly don't stop posting them. I really enjoy the jokes and the poems.
Tom
-
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his only son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive barmitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him.
Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi.
"Like you I, too, brought my only boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune,
then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did He say?" pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me.
-
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
-
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo Indian reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts
said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these a***holes. They have come to steal your land."
-
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all daylong.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality..Whispering......
Dave........
Dave........
........you're a vet
-
Stu, you're killing me !!!!! ;D
Donna
-
CHANGING CHRISTMAS:
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. . . Please read the following carefully:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Canada and the northern boarder states.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus; sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ., when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.
5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I herd dat!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and It’s a “Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox”, Cledus T. Judd “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack”, and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It.
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
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From this week's Electric Scotland forum which is updated every Thursday Evening
http://www.electricscotland.org/showthread.php/1186-Newsletter-December-24th-2010
Fruity Xmas
"I told my kids," said the loudmouth in the bar, "that when I was their age, all I got at Christmas was an orange and an apple.
"But all my son said was, Wow! .... a mobile phone and a computer - not bad'."
Merry Christmas to all Thomsons even those with a "p"
John Thomson Hollingsworth
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An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally ."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -
fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No".
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"
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OK - we have the lines down patt.................now, all we need is for that darn truck to come by OUR place!!!
Good one!
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Holiday inn
No nursing home for us.
We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . .. . or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
The grandkids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?
So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.
AIDS WARNING!
To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you......
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)
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Cup of Tea ~
One day a mother was out, and the dad was left in charge of his little daughter.
She was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, the mom came home.
The dad made her wait in the living room to watch the little girl bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know),"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door'.
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A Woman's Poem
�Unknown
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked him one...
Like his mother used to do.
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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.
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It's funny that you would post THIS poem right UNDER the other one! Snark, snark!
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Sure is dead around here lately...
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven..
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,
and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St.. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance
exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
as it was.'
St.. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week
begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions,
but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'