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Scottish Jokes

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Stirling Thompson:
Let's see if we can get something started!

In the Northern Highlands, an impatient farmer knocked at the door of neighboring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered.
" Is your father in ? " asked the neighbor.
" No. " said the daughter. " He's at the Inverness farmers market. If it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is $50.00" "
No it's not that" said the neighbor.
" Well. " said the daughter. " If it's the Galloway belted bull you want, it's $40." "
No, it's not that. " said the neighbor.
" How about the small Highland bull." said the daughter.
" The service of that bull is only $30."
The neighbor rudely interrupted the daughter. " That's not what I've come about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it."
" Oh, well." said the daughter. " You'll have to see my father yourself. I don't know what he charges for Sandy."

Graham Thompson:
Thats pretty good

Stirling Thompson:
Not as funny but very educational!

The Average Englishman
The average Englishman, in his home he calls his castle, puts on his national costume - A shabby Raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland.

He drives a car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland.

At the office he recieves his mail with adhearive stamps which, although they bear the queen of England's head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland.

During the day he uses the telephone, Invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland.

At home in the evening he watches his daughter ride her bicycle, invented by Kilpatrick MacMillan, A Blacksmith from Dumfries, Scotland.

He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburough Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.
He has now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot - King James VI - who authourised it's translation.

No where can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots, he could take to drink but the Scots make the finest in the world, he could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland.

If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table, being injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Flemming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an aneasthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland.

Out of the aneasthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank Of England which was founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland.

Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of good SCOTTISH blood

Mary:
Bootlegging on a local network.....so I know I won't be online long.  Here are a couple Scottish jokes to add to the thread:

Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear

A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

Looks like we'll be gone another week or so......glad you guys are keeping the forum alive, if not awake.

Stu - things still looking good for Scotland 2009???? I think, between Stevie and my research, we will be able to find accommodations to suit everyone's budget (well, better than a hotel and meals, anyway!) and locations.  I'll hit that again when I get home - Stevie is staying on it.

Take care all - for those of you dropping the posting ball, please contribute or there is no need for a forum.................

Mary

Stirling Thompson:
You've just got to love the bagpipes!

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbours.

Why do pipers march when they play ?
To get as far away from the noise as possible.

Stu

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