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General Category => General Scottish => Topic started by: Stirling Thompson on July 30, 2008, 10:30:14 AM

Title: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on July 30, 2008, 10:30:14 AM
Let's see if we can get something started!

In the Northern Highlands, an impatient farmer knocked at the door of neighboring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered.
" Is your father in ? " asked the neighbor.
" No. " said the daughter. " He's at the Inverness farmers market. If it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is $50.00" "
No it's not that" said the neighbor.
" Well. " said the daughter. " If it's the Galloway belted bull you want, it's $40." "
No, it's not that. " said the neighbor.
" How about the small Highland bull." said the daughter.
" The service of that bull is only $30."
The neighbor rudely interrupted the daughter. " That's not what I've come about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it."
" Oh, well." said the daughter. " You'll have to see my father yourself. I don't know what he charges for Sandy."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on July 30, 2008, 10:36:09 AM
Thats pretty good
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on July 31, 2008, 05:52:02 AM
Not as funny but very educational!

The Average Englishman
The average Englishman, in his home he calls his castle, puts on his national costume - A shabby Raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland.

He drives a car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland.

At the office he recieves his mail with adhearive stamps which, although they bear the queen of England's head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland.

During the day he uses the telephone, Invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland.

At home in the evening he watches his daughter ride her bicycle, invented by Kilpatrick MacMillan, A Blacksmith from Dumfries, Scotland.

He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburough Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.
He has now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot - King James VI - who authourised it's translation.

No where can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots, he could take to drink but the Scots make the finest in the world, he could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland.

If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table, being injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Flemming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an aneasthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland.

Out of the aneasthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank Of England which was founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland.

Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of good SCOTTISH blood
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on July 31, 2008, 03:44:29 PM
Bootlegging on a local network.....so I know I won't be online long.  Here are a couple Scottish jokes to add to the thread:

Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear

A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

Looks like we'll be gone another week or so......glad you guys are keeping the forum alive, if not awake.

Stu - things still looking good for Scotland 2009???? I think, between Stevie and my research, we will be able to find accommodations to suit everyone's budget (well, better than a hotel and meals, anyway!) and locations.  I'll hit that again when I get home - Stevie is staying on it.

Take care all - for those of you dropping the posting ball, please contribute or there is no need for a forum.................

Mary
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 01, 2008, 12:31:02 PM
You've just got to love the bagpipes!

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbours.

Why do pipers march when they play ?
To get as far away from the noise as possible.

Stu
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on August 02, 2008, 10:05:45 AM
thats halarious
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 02, 2008, 11:51:34 AM
A little something for the hopeless romantics!

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 03, 2008, 12:08:31 AM
Stu, these are so funny!  I hope I dont mess them up too bad when I try to retell them!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 03, 2008, 12:16:55 AM
I was born in California and may never actually set foot in Scotland, but the sound of the bagpipes is as soothing to me as my Mothers voice! 

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 03, 2008, 01:51:00 AM
Have y'all heard of boiling wool mittens to make them water proof? I read about this in one of my "Nothing Better To Do With Your Time" books, so tonight I tried it. 
I put some liquid dish washing soap and the mittens in a large pot of water and turned the stove up to HIGH.   
I was so wrapped up in "cooking" the mittens that I didn't notice all the smoke coming from the microwave...my LAST bag of microwave popcorn was burned to a crisp!    MY LAST BAG!!!!!
Now, I was so wrapped up in getting rid of the popcorn before it set the smoke alarm off that I didn't notice all the soap bubbles boiling over onto my stove!

 I'm upset because I really wanted that popcorn and I don't even know why I thought I needed "waterproof" mittens...I live in sunny California!

Now I'm going to drink a wine glass full of Captain Morgan's Coconut Rum, then go to bed.

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on August 03, 2008, 02:57:53 PM
But....but.....what happened to the mittens????

Being a hand-spinner, weaver and knitter, I have made boiled mittens with and without the additional tufts of wool knitted to the inside that REALLY make them impervious............but I didn't do it quite that way. I AM glad to know there is someone else in the adult world who has had a bag of popcorn catch on fire in the microwave! Now I make it on the stove........
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 03, 2008, 07:12:54 PM
The mittens are still in the pot, in the sink!
Donna + stove = fire

Mary, can you give me more detailed directions for the sash?   I have already used most of the tartan fabric...not sure how much I still have.

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 04, 2008, 06:05:53 AM
Is this heaven?

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad woman standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"


The Scot hoarsely croaks, " Yes, please, I haven't eaten a bite of food for a week and I am very hungry !"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a basket of food. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
" Oh, yes ! That food has made me very thirsty and I would very much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad woman leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"


" Oh, you beautiful woman, don't tell me you've got a golf course here too!"

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 04, 2008, 06:18:33 AM
I originally heard a variation of this as a blonde joke but I like this one too!

A Scottish shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Range Rover advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Hermes tie leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd...

'If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you let me have one?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers 'Aye!'

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to mobile phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 30 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulae. Finally he prints out a 10 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says 'You have exactly 1586 sheep here!'

That's right said the shepherd, and as agreed, you can take one of the sheep.

He watches as the young man makes a selection and bundles it in his Range Rover.

Then he says 'If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?' 'OK - why not?' answers the young man. 'You are a consultant' says the shepherd. 'That's right' says the yuppie 'How did you guess?' 'Easy' answers the shepherd. 'You turn up here although nobody called you...you want to be paid for the answer to a question when I already knew the answer...and you don't know a damned thing about my business. That's obvious. Now give me back my dog.'

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 04, 2008, 07:20:49 AM
Link to the entire 24 page illustrated book "What's Under the Kilt?" Enjoy!

http://scotwebshops.com/underthekilt/
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 04, 2008, 09:38:25 AM
Hey Stu, Congrats on your upgrade to Junior Member!
Your jokes are so funny...puts me in a good mood for the day!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 05, 2008, 10:00:24 AM
This one must date back to the first Gulf War!

A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian.
Saddam says, "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am. You will be given 50 lashes each, but you can have whatever you want on your back." The Australian goes first, and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says, "I will take it as it comes, I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly "Stiff upper lip you know eh what." His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Wee Hughie, it's your turn, you have the same choice as the other two, what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
Wee Hughie replies quickly and without hesitation, "I'll have the Englishman".
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on August 05, 2008, 10:02:08 AM
YES!!! BEST JOKE EVER!!!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 05, 2008, 10:02:51 AM
Everyone's favorite recipe!

SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE.
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??


Actually, this could be Donna's recipe... we'll just substitute some Captain Morgan's Coconut Rum for the whiskey!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 06, 2008, 12:17:59 AM
Well, Stu, you had me going with this one!  I thought it was a real recipe but couldn't figure out what a "fluffy bowl" was!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 06, 2008, 05:23:41 AM
I think they have these in Maine too!

 An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.  For his first chapter he decided to write about British churches so he bought a train ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way up the country from South to North.  On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read, "£ 20,000 per call!"  The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.  The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and for £20,000 you could talk to God.  The Englishman thanked the priest and went on his way. 

His next stop was in Northampton. There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in London so he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.  She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £20,000 he could talk to God. "Thank you," said the Englishman.  He then travelled to Coventry, Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Blackpool, Lancaster and Carlisle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£20,000 per call" sign under it. 

The Englishman, upon realising how close he was to the Scottish border, decided to see if the Scots had the same phone. He crossed the border and came to a small town called Gretna, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read, "20 pence per call".  The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I have travelled all over England and I have seen this same golden telephone in many churches.  I'm told it is a direct line to heaven, but in every one the price was £20,000 per call.  Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "Well laddie, you're in Scotland now, it's a local call."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 06, 2008, 07:22:46 AM
Almost a Scottish joke, but I just couldn't resist!

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep
any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a
fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared
and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand
to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells . . . . . .


"SUPPLIES!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on August 06, 2008, 10:45:12 AM
Where do you find these jokes Stu there halarious. Im gonna try that fruit cake recipe, ill tell you how it goes.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 06, 2008, 10:54:54 PM
I have a sister in Auburn Maine! I'll ask her to find me one of those Fluffy Bowls. Maybe Graham and I can have a "Bake off".

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 07, 2008, 06:03:51 AM
French in Scotland


One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard.

He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.

Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty.

The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk.

After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh ... you are most generous!"

She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk
because we found a dead rat in it."

Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth,
allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone.

The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it
down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig!

I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's potty!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 07, 2008, 10:16:22 AM
This is courtesy of the Midland Highlanders website!

The Bass Drummer one day is having trouble putting together a puzzle, and try as he might he simply couldn't get the pieces to go together properly.  So he gives the Tenor Drummers a call and says, " I just can't get this puzzle going can you give me a hand?" 

The tenor drummers being kind of heart, take pity on the Bass Drummer and run right over to help, but sure enough they can't get the puzzle to go together; so they call the Snare drummers over telling them, " The Bass drummer called us to help him with this puzzle, and we can't figure it out either, can you come over and give us a hand?" 

 Well, the Snare drummers, being kind of heart as well, run right over to the Bass Drummers house and sure enough they are just as confused by the puzzle as the others, and they exclaimed, "Let's call the Lead tip, he'll know what to do!"

 So the Lead tip ran over as fast as he could and sure enough he couldn't make heads or tails of the puzzle. The Lead tip said, "Well, the Bass Drummer can't figure it, the Tenor Drummers can't figure it, all the Snare drummers can't figure it, and I am just as confused as you on how to put it together. Let's just call the Pipe Major, I am sure he can get this puzzle together for us."  So they called the Pipe Major.


Pipey asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Pipey decides to go over and help with the puzzle. The drummers let him in and show him where the puzzle is spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to the drummers and says, “No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

So let's just put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
 

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: MACTAVISH on August 07, 2008, 10:23:43 AM
THE COINER OF THAT JOKE HAS OBVIOUSLY NOT HEARD OF' THE AULD ALLIANCE', THE FRENCH AND SCOTS ARE THE CLOSEST OF PEOPLES. I  MYSELF AM A PRODUCT OF 'THE AULD ALLIANCE'; SCOTS FATHER/ FRENCH MOTHER. THE VISITOR'S NATIONALITY SHOULD BE CHANGED TO ENGLISH- WHOM THE SCOTS WOULDNT P*SS ON IF THEY WERE ON FIRE.
 IN JANUARY I'LL BE IN MOROCCO, VERY POPULAR WITH FRENCH TOURISTS, I SHALL BE RELAXING IN THE KILT AND YOUI CAN BET THE FRENCH WILL HUG AND KISS ME WHEREVER I GO. PART OF THIS IS THE AULD ALLIANCE- REMEMBER THEY BACKED THE JACOBITE RISING AND TOOK IN BONNIE PRINCE CHARLIE + MANY SCOTS IN EXILE- AND PARTLY BECAUSE OF THE SCOTS CONCERTED EFFORTS IN WW11 RE FRANCE.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on August 07, 2008, 02:22:49 PM
Its on Donna I will "bake" you under the table. Hey McTavish have you every been to Monico? In my opinion the most beautiful place anywhere close to France. I dont know if anyone has been to France but I found it the most dirty and unclean place i've ever been to. Well I should say Paris to be more exact.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 07, 2008, 02:47:50 PM
Hey Graham,
    If I use Stu's recipe and my Capt. Morgan's Coconut Rum...I'll be sitting under the table, for sure!   Did you see the recipe Stu posted some time back for Baked Frog?  Or maybe that was Toad in the Hole.   I've made it up two or three times and the family really enjoyed it. 
   

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on August 08, 2008, 04:08:12 PM
Thanks Stu for your Scottish jokes, they brighten up my day.   ;D  Here's one of my favorite:

A little laughter for the baseball season!

A man moves from Scotland to the US and attends his first baseball game. After a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run! Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman  stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent:  "R-r-r-un, yah bloody bahstard.   R-r-run!"

A third batter cracks a hard liner and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams,  "RRRun, yah bloody bahstard, rrrrun, why don't ya???"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the umpire calls,"Take your base."  The Scotsman stands up, yelling,  "RRRun, ya bahstard, rrrun!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly so he sits down, very much confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and shouts, "Wahlk with  prrrride, man!"  "Wahlk with prrrride!"

Barbara   ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on August 08, 2008, 04:35:52 PM
Donna and Graham, I really need to help you two make that cake, using Stu's recipe of course..... ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 09, 2008, 12:23:57 AM
Hey Barbara,
That was a good one! I'll mess it up if I just try to retell it so I'd better print it out for my son.

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on August 10, 2008, 07:29:34 PM
Oh man we got a cake "bake" party going down
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 11, 2008, 05:43:23 AM
Sheesh! It's my recipe and I don't even get invited to the bake-off!

An American visitor to Lindores Abbey was being shown round by the abbot when a monk shouted out “64!”
All the other monks roared with laughter.
Another then called out “15!” — again much laughter.
“What’s going on?” asked the visitor.
“They know each other’s jokes inside out” said the abbot. “So rather than tell them each time, they’ve numbered them. If one calls out a number, they think of the joke and laugh. Have a go...”
The visitor called out “45!” and there was a small ripple of polite laughter.
“I’m afraid,” said the abbot, “that’s not very funny. Try again.”
So, the visitor called out “56!” and there was uproar.
“Must have been a good joke,” he said.
“Yes,” said the abbot wiping his eyes. “And we’ve never heard it before.”

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on August 11, 2008, 09:03:13 PM
Waddaya mean 'yer not invited' Stu?  You're the head Chef man, because without you we have no recipe..............unless...........Donna did you print Stu's recipe off?  ;D  ;D  ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on August 11, 2008, 09:15:44 PM
Roman Legion on the march north. A great big hairy kilted Scotsman jumps up on a hillock and yells, "Aye, so ye be Romans, eh? Gie me yer ten best men then!" Ten Legionaires are dispatched. Bang! #@* Crash! $&% Wallop! Five minutes later, a lone survivor struggles back. A hundred soldiers are sent back up. None return! Risking all, the commander sends the remainder of the entire legion up the hill. Screams, shouts, and the all out commotion of the battle follow! Then, on the skyline, a lone Roman officer approaches. "Sir! Sir! They've cheated! They lied! There were TWO of them all along.......!"

Barbara  ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 11, 2008, 11:02:56 PM
I wish I knew some "clean" jokes that I could post...

Yes, I did print out Stu's Cake recipe and I'll be using my Capt. Morgans Rum in place of the whiskey.  A little for me...a little for the cake...a little for me...a little for the cake! 

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 12, 2008, 04:35:25 AM
Donna,

That is the problem isn't it! It's difficult trying to find good 'clean' jokes for an unfamiliar audience because there's just no way to tell who's reading these posts or how easily offended some folks are by the more 'off color' stuff. I do my best to find suitable material but it can be very difficult when you see the same jokes repeated on half a dozen different websites. That's actually one of the reasons I started the poetry thread so that I can alternate and have more time find better material.

Stu
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 12, 2008, 06:20:45 AM
This could have gone under poetry but was just too humorous so it's here instead.

Dolly

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey,
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.
And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more,
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll,
There were far too many lamby clones for Mary to control,
No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary,
So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.
But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary,
One problem solved, but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary.

Anonymous
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: MACTAVISH on August 12, 2008, 10:21:11 AM
OK; HERES MY JOKE. PROBABLY WASTED ON YOU COLONIALS AS YOU NEED TO KNOW UK HISTORY TO APPRECIATE IT. WE DO HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS ON HUMOUR TOO,

KING HAROLD WAS MARSHALLING HIS TROOPS FOR THE BATTLE OF HASTINGS.
'SO, WHAT HAVE WE GOT ?' HE ASKED HIS MASTER AT ARMS
'WE HAVE THE BEST SWORDSMEN IN THE COUNTRY SIRE'
'SHOW ME' HAROLD SAID
THE MASTER AT ARMS NODS TO A SWORDSMAN WHO STEPS FORWARD TO A TREE AND IN A FEW STROKES THE TREE IS WITHOUT BRANCHES OR BARK.
'GREAT, SAYS HAROLD' WHAT ELSE WE GOT?'
THE BEST STAFFMEN IN THE COUNTRY'
'SHOW ME'
A STAFFMAN WALKS FORWARD AND WITH A FEW SWINGS LAYS OUT 10 MEN.
'GREAT', SAYS HAROLD' WHAT ELSE?'
'THE BEST ARCHERS SIRE'
SHOW ME'
THE MASTER NODS TO THE NEAREST BOWMAN.HE POINTS TO A SINGLE LEAF ONA TREE 100 METRES AWAY. THE ARCHER DRAWS BACK THE BOW AND RELEASES THE ARROW THAT LANDS IN THE MUD  3 FEET AHEAD.
'HE'S VERY NERVOUS SIRE, LET HIM TRY AGAIN' HAROLD AGREES.
THE ARCHER DRAWS BACK THE BOW, THE ARROW GOS WILDLY OFF TO THE LEFT.
' HE'S VERY VERY NERVOUS SIRE, SAYS THE MASTER, CAN HE TRY ONE MORE TIME?'
THE KING AGREES AND THE ARCHER FIRES AGAIN- THIS TIME FLIES WILDLY TOTHE RIGHT.
 THE KING SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF
' TELL YOU WHAT, SAID THE KING' LET THE OTHER SIDE HAVE HIM; HE'S LIKELY TO HAVE SOME SOD'S EYE OUT.!'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 12, 2008, 11:47:29 AM
MacT

I read a book about King Harold a few years back... can't recall the title but it was fascinating stuff. Could be a whole different world if he hadn't had to fight the other Harold first then turn and force march to meet William at Hastings. He still put up one hell of a fight. If only he'd had a pair of Scotsmen!
Stu
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 13, 2008, 09:55:57 AM
Since we're getting historical (hysterical?)...

Who said....

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday." Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Ah'm pure brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.' Teacher: "Right class , who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. Teacher: Yes, Jeremy." Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960." Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined. Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'" Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss."

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: " Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation. Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?" Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss,meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent: "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, The first moon landing." Teacher: Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Where the f**K did all these English b*st*rds come from?" Teacher looking round the class: "Who said that?"

Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746.

See yous on Tuesday."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on August 13, 2008, 02:29:15 PM
Quote
OK; HERES MY JOKE. PROBABLY WASTED ON YOU COLONIALS AS YOU NEED TO KNOW UK HISTORY TO APPRECIATE IT. WE DO HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS ON HUMOUR TOO,

I 'resemble' that remark MacT,  I've read a lot of English and Scottish history and I love the British sense of humor (or as you spell it, humour).   ;D   I also understand it, and still I love it.  ;D

Loved the poem about "Dolly" Stu.  ;D

Barbara (The Colonial of guid Scottish stock)  ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Paula Cash Womack on August 15, 2008, 07:24:05 AM
This is from Edinburgh's Evening News online.   I thought y'all might like a chuckle this morning.
Have a great one.
Paula
___

Wanda's dishwasher breaks down so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! I mean it. Don't talk to my parrot."

"When the repairman arrives at Wanda's house the following day, he discovers the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lies there on the carpet watching him go about his work.

The parrot, however, drives him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman can't contain himself any longer and yells: "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replies: "Get him, Spike!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on August 16, 2008, 08:23:03 AM
lol dont mess with the bird
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 19, 2008, 06:59:00 AM
Custody issue...

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on August 19, 2008, 04:21:42 PM
YES!!! THAT WAS THE BEST JOKE EVER!!!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 19, 2008, 07:01:13 PM
Hey Stu,
I love the poems but I'm glad to see you posting jokes again!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on August 19, 2008, 07:21:10 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D  Great joke Stu!  I'll bet you're a lot of fun to be around.

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 20, 2008, 06:40:41 AM
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.

When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!"

"Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.

"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Booner on August 20, 2008, 10:05:07 PM
ok, that was funny.

Keep 'em coming!

Booner
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 21, 2008, 10:29:29 AM
Bells Offer

Bells Scottish Whisky manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the
Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Bells official whispers,
"Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Bells is prepared to donate £100
million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this
day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily whisky'."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord,
It must not be changed."

Well," says the Bells man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that
you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to
'Give us this day our daily whisky'."
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is
the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Bells guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Bells respect your
adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate
£500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic
church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day
our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily whisky'. Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some
good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is that the
Church will come into £500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal................
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>."We're losing the Hovis Account."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on August 21, 2008, 04:18:19 PM
Funny Stu!   ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 23, 2008, 08:06:05 AM
You probably know the story of Greyfriars Bobby, the little Edinburgh dog who was so devoted to his master that he lay on his grave in Greyfriars churchyard for 11 years. Very moving, like syrup of figs but not the whole story.

While he lived, Bobby's master would go every night to the Haggis Catcher's Arms where Bobby would sit at his feet, good as gold, with his saucer of Teachers. When Bobby died, after his long vigil, the landlord cut off his tail and put it in a glass case over the bar as a momento. In due course Bobby arrived at heaven's gate and asked to be allowed in to join his master. "You are not Greyfriars Bobby" answered St Peter, "Greyfriars Bobby had a long bushy tail but you haven't". "My tail is down at the Haggis Catcher's Arms in a glass case" said Bobby. "Sorry" said St Peter "rules are rules and I can't let you in without a tail, go back down and fetch it." So Bobby's ghost goes back down to Edinburgh and at about 3 a.m. is outside the Haggis Catcher's barking his head off. The landlord looks out and asks what the matter is. Bobby tells him he must have his tail put back on as otherwise he can't get into heaven to join his master. "Come back in the morning" says the landlord, "I can only retail spirits during opening hours".
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on August 24, 2008, 05:41:16 AM
Thanks, Stu...........we needed that!

Still in VA - hoping to head for home by Wednesday. But, as we have seen already, our PLANS don't seem to mean much to reality!

Good to see you all posting and I love the jokes and the Gaelic lessons.  Only thing I haven't figured out in the Gaelic is which syllable has the accent when you say the words.....???  Any clue?

Miss chatting - but only get on when I can catch a signal passing through the air!

Mary
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 24, 2008, 11:31:18 AM
An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such
great physical condition?'

I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in
such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways.

I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Da's deid?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still
alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi'
me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had
anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a
golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than
that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandad's deid?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Scottish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing
with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 24, 2008, 04:43:58 PM
Hey Stu,
How do you come up with all these jokes!  This one's my favorite!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on August 24, 2008, 07:37:31 PM
That one was pretty good but I think the one with the kid getting beaten and sent off to the english team. I litterally laughed out loud
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 25, 2008, 06:44:08 AM
Not sure if this happened in Highlands or on the Borders but here goes...

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling
in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly
bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his
shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even
closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his
left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of
the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I
don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And
the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his
head &
spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy
bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on August 25, 2008, 03:38:26 PM
Hahaha go bears
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 25, 2008, 06:13:19 PM
HaHaHa  Go God!!!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 26, 2008, 05:27:38 AM
Thanks all, it's nice to be appreciated! As to my sources... I use Google.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 26, 2008, 05:49:12 AM
Feeling generous I'll give ya a twofer...

An auld Scotman in a wheelchair, was taken to a smart hotel by his son. The auld man had never seen a Lift before and he was watching it closely. As they were approachin' it, an old woman, all bent over got into it and the old man sat there, watching the lights as it went up to the top floor, then down again. When the door opened, a luscious blonde walked out!. The auld man was almost choking. His son says,"What's the matter Dad?", and the auld man says, "Quick, run home and get yer Maw!".



Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns
are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have
always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win
the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and
the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 27, 2008, 02:07:48 PM
It's been said that laughter is the best medicine...
I think we should start calling Stu, Doctor Thompson!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 27, 2008, 05:17:30 PM
Donna,
Funny you should say that! My wife and I once went to Atlantic City and saw a fortune teller on the Boardwalk who told me I had been a surgeon in a previous life... of course she also said we were under a curse. Go figure!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 28, 2008, 12:11:25 AM
Hey Stu (Dr. Thompson)
Your jokes sure do tickle me!
I don't think I had a previous life but I'm sure having a good time in this one!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 28, 2008, 05:23:12 AM
I couldn't resist this one! I think it may have been in the same forest as the Christian bear, OMG!

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech, or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 29, 2008, 12:41:03 AM
THIS WAS A GOOD ONE!    You get a blue ribbon for your jokes!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on August 29, 2008, 07:07:51 AM
Gift from God!

There was a Church of Scotland Minister whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the
Congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Minister's family expanded so would his salary.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Minister's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Minister stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 29, 2008, 10:00:41 AM
Hey Stu,

Congratulations on your new rank of Full Member!!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on August 29, 2008, 03:47:02 PM
I liked the last joke, Stu!  With 9 grandkids, I can look at it in several ways!

I'm NEVER going to get to 100 to be a full member.....I basically LOST 5 weeks with almost no connectivity in Virginia!   :'(  Shoot!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on August 29, 2008, 09:29:22 PM
Look again, my friend!   Your status shows 104 posts and you just made Full Member!   

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 01, 2008, 10:30:20 AM
Having a quiet weekend. Thought I should post something.


Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I canny button me pants."

"Oh Angus...I've got mah hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald wid help ye with it"

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to ye? Did ye ask her like Ah told you?"

"Aye" says Angus.."Ah asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 02, 2008, 07:58:40 AM
Some advice for Graham before the wedding!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives their duties.

Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife that she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that was needed done at their house.

He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he come to a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking.

He told them that the first day he had not seen any results but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean the dishes were done and he had a huge meal on the table.

The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and a hot meal on the table every meal time.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye ..... Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and call a gardener.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on September 02, 2008, 02:13:02 PM
and the next blue ribbon goes to ALL THE SCOTTISH WOMEN!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on September 02, 2008, 05:07:54 PM
lol nice work Stu. Ya I dont want to mess with my finacee. She played hockey for 16 years and shes gonna start playing again in the next few. Man that women can crush cinder blocks with her legs
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 03, 2008, 07:59:25 AM
Ah! Remember when...

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Harold had a
date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Harold in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Harold said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the cafe, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mum informed him.
"Really?" Harold asked, eyebrows rose.
"Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Harold, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip!" Harold said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied
back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Harold.
"Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.
"Twist, Mum!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The
Twist, dammit! It's called the Twist!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 04, 2008, 06:30:46 AM
A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep,
the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if
you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says,
"I've got a better idea .let's kidd-on wir married.

" Why not," giggles the woman.

Good", he replies. "Get your own blanket"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 04, 2008, 07:04:32 AM
A man owned a small farm in Kelso (relocated from Aberdeenshire just to make it relevent).

The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying
proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The
cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per
week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit.

He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of
whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.


'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 04, 2008, 07:10:07 AM
Not our Barbara... right?

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes miss. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara.

She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whisky, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
 
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"



"Stay away from Aunt Barbara when she's been drinking."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 04, 2008, 07:43:42 AM
Missing chapter from Genisis maybe?


In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And so they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: MACTAVISH on September 04, 2008, 10:09:40 AM
the works foreman approached dougie and shuggie and asked one of them to work overtime. dougie said he'd do it on condition that shuggie popped round to tell his wife he was staying over .
wee shuggie knocked on dougie's door and was invited in. he explained that dougie was doing overtime and stayed for a cup of tea.he said-
' dougies a lucky man. I would give £20 just to kiss a woman as pretty as you.'
'what kind of woman doyou think iam?'she replied.......'£20?.....come on then.'
 shuggie continues' i would give £50 just to cuddle up onthe sofa with a woman as pretty as you'
' what kind of woman............£50? ....ok then'
'i would give £200 to have sex with a woman as beautiful as you' said shuggie
' i dont know what........£200? .....come on!'she says
they get stuck in and shuggie leaves before dougie comes home.
' did wee shuggie pop round and tell you i was doing the overtime?' he askedhis flushed wife.
' yes, he did'she replied
......and did he give you my wages?
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 04, 2008, 10:43:33 AM
Way to go MacT! Good one!

Like the Irishman told the priest when he said he needed three chairs...

Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on September 04, 2008, 02:19:45 PM
A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 05, 2008, 08:12:38 AM
The old favourite farmer's joke tells of the farmer's daughter who was engaged to be married to a bright and polished young solicitor. When she first brought her fiance" to visit the home her father engaged in conversation with the young man about his success with his crops.
'I have rhubarb sticks like hurleys,' he said.
'And how do you get them to grow so big,' asked the young man.
'Oh, loads of manure,' answered the farmer. 'And my turnips are as big as footballs.'
'And to what do you attribute your success with turnips?' asked the young solicitor.
'Oh loads of manure,' said the farmer again.
'Loads of manure,' was the secret of the success of the farmer's cabbage, parsnips and every other crop that he spoke to the young man about. When the evening was over an embarrassed daughter called her mother to the kitchen and, almost in tears, begged her to get her father to use the word 'fertiliser' when in polite company. Her mother's answer was: 'If you only knew how long it took me to get him to say "manure".'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on September 06, 2008, 12:13:36 PM
I love the Aunt Barbara one, it is so funny. And I know im 2 days behind
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on September 08, 2008, 12:45:01 AM
Ok, this is just not fair!!!!  I've been off my computer for a week and you all are just having too much fun without me!!!  And here I was thinking you couldn't live without my graceful presence.  :-\  <<bottom lip quivering, sniffle, sniffle>>  :'(  ;D

I will get caught up....I will get caught up.......

Love everyone's jokes, they certainly brighten a person's day, thanks to all.   ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Forum_mgr on September 08, 2008, 06:06:22 AM
Not to worry, Ms Barbara -

We are just trying to make your recovery less tedious  - we miss you desperately and can't wait for you to be 'computer-bound' again!

F.M.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Forum_mgr on September 08, 2008, 06:12:29 AM
And to help carry my weight -

McTavish, the Scottish angler died and was met at the Golden Gates by Saint Peter. "You've told too many lies to come in here," said Saint Peter. "Have a heart," replied McTavish, "you were a fisherman yourself once." 

Jock McTavish." A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap rates."

It's amazing how many Scottish  jokes use "McTavish" and/or how many dogs are named McTavish!

F.M.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 08, 2008, 06:59:45 AM
Joe goes to confession. "Father, I've sinned I used the F word."

The Priest said, "Now Joe I've known you a long time, it's not like you, tell me the circumstances."

Joe said, "Well I was playing golf, and at the first hole, I hit the sweetest drive ever, I knew when I hit it, that it was going to make the green, maybe even a hole in one. The ball travelled only 100 yards when it hit a seagull."

"Then you said that word", says the Priest.

"No", says Joe, "the ball dropped to the ground and a squirrel picked it up and ran off."

"Then you said that word", says the Priest.

"No Father", says Joe. "An eagle swooped down and picked up the squirrel, and flew away."

"Then you said that word", says the Priest.

"No Father", says Joe, "the squirrel dropped the ball, it hit a rock and bounced six times on to the green and landed eight inches from the hole."

The Priest said, "Joe you're not going to tell me you missed the putt."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: MACTAVISH on September 08, 2008, 09:42:49 AM
YES MY NAME DOES SEEM TO BE THE ONE COINED IN JOKES. THERES A VERY ANNOYING POSTCARD ALL OVER THE COUNTRY WITH THE PUNCHLINE' MCTAVISH DROPPED A PENNY AND BENT DOWN SO FAST TO RETRIEVE IT -IT HIT HIM ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD!'
ITS PERHAPS A COMPLIMENT THAT THE NAME EVOKES SCOTLAND. JACK ROSENTHAL, AUTHOR OF 'LONDONS BURNING'- IN HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY REFERS TO' CHANGING HIS NATIONALITY TO SCOTS AND CALLING HIMSELF'MACTAVISH'
IN THE FALL AND RISE OF REGINALD PERIN- HE DECIDES TO TAKE ON A NEW IDENTITY- A SCOT CALLED MACTAVISH.
PETS? MY WESTIES PARENTS WERE= MOTHER; 'FULL OF BEANS' FATHER=' LORD FONTAGUE SMYTHE' AND HIS GIVEN NAME? ' LACHLAN MACTAVISH OF DUNARDRY'! YOU SEE WHY I HAD TO BUY HIM! INCIDENTALLY THE WEST HIGHLAND WHITE TERRIER WAS FIRST BRED BY MALCOLM POLTALLOCH ON DUNARDRY LAND.
 GLASGOW HAS A HUGE HOSPITAL AND A STRAY CAT HAS BEEN ADOPTED THERE, HE HAS THE RUN OF THE GROUNDS AND IS FED BY ALL THE NURSES AND PATIENTS. HES A HUGE MOTH EATEN OLD THING WITH MANY BATTLE SCARS AND AN EAR MISSING. NAME/ MACTAVISH!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 09, 2008, 06:46:22 AM
Glasgow Commonwealth Games.

OPENING CEREMONY
The Commonwealth flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Easterhouse area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.

THE EVENTS
Glasgaes previous competitors have not been particularly successful.
In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes...

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets,hedges,gardens, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer,(Claw,Sledge etc.)
The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.

SHOOTING
A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows:-
1 - A Moving Police Van.
2 - A Post Office Clerk.
3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver.
4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child.
NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'.

BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games.
The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgae University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike, owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home. - Against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing,joyriding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog ****, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Clyde run through Glasgae?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged.

Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.

RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Kilbride and get it back to Glasgae using at least four different stolen cars.

ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.

DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest.
In addition the following 'exhibition events'designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.


Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on September 09, 2008, 05:02:12 PM
Are you sure those are the Glasgow Commonwealth Games and not the North End Winnipeg Everyday Life Games ???
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on September 09, 2008, 08:12:54 PM
Thanks Stu, MacT and FM for all the jokes.....keep them coming.  Also thanks FM for the kind words.

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 10, 2008, 09:21:13 AM
Must've been the grape juice!

There is a little village in Wales named: "LANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLLGOGERYCHWYRNDROBWLLLLANTYSILIOGOGOGOC". Many, many years ago, on the side of the road leading into the village, there used to be a sign announcing the towns name, made of letters carved in wood. Naturally this sign was very long and very expensive to maintain.
One day, the village council, always short of money, decided to replace the long wooden sign with a short metal sign which wouldnt cost so much to maintain. They decided to offer the old sign to any museum that was interested. The Scottich National Museum offered to take the sign and display it. Robert Burns saw it and was so impressed by it that he wrote the now-famous Scottish song "OLD LONG SIGN"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 11, 2008, 08:03:02 AM
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along. So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple this was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations,
he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other
end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No" she said,

"I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde ."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: MACTAVISH on September 11, 2008, 10:12:36 AM
HERS A -HOPEFULLY- MODIFIED SCOTTISH (SQUADDIE) JOKE . IM GOING TO SUBDUE IT GREATLY FOR YOU GENTEEL COLONIALISTS AND HOPE IT DOESNT LOSE ITS UMPH!
 A WOMAN WENT INTO SEX SHOP. SHE ASKED THE ASSISTANT FOR A ********-(IT TAKES BATTERIES AND BUZZES.)
THE MAN TOLD HER THAT THERE WERE MANY TO CHOOSE FROM; ALL SHAPES SIZES AND COLOURS.
'I'LL HAVE THAT ONE THERE;' SHE SAID,'THE TARTAN ONE'

THATS MY FLASK
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on September 11, 2008, 05:18:45 PM
MacT, over here it's "I'll have that one there."

"Sorry, that's the fire extinguisher."  ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on September 11, 2008, 07:54:18 PM
Make sure you dont use that fire extinguisher the worng way or that may be painful :P
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on September 11, 2008, 08:12:08 PM
Graham, now ya did it get on over in the corner and put your nose to the wall......and no party'n with the rest of those already there....less'n I get to come too!   ;D  ;D

Barbara  ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 15, 2008, 07:13:40 AM
In the wild highlands of Scotland, Iain's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.


To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Iain!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

Then Iain scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 17, 2008, 05:53:00 AM
Creation vs Evolution!

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human
race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;
they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same
question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago
there were monkeys from which the human race
evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said,
'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human
race was created by God, and Mummy said they developed
from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family, and your mother
told you about hers.'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on September 17, 2008, 08:04:18 PM
I love it
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 18, 2008, 06:58:34 AM
Have two... they're small!

The MacTavish brothers decided that one of their number would go to America and make his fortune, coming back to share with the rest of them. The youngest, Ian, was chosen for this task. Off he went, and he worked hard in America, and earned himself a fortune over a few years, and wired his brothers that he'd be returning with it. When he came back to Scotland he got off the boat, and looked around for his brothers, but could not see anyone who looked familiar. Finally, a group of bearded strangers approached. "Ho, Ian, are ye not knowing yer own brothers?" asked the first one. Then Ian realized his brothers had grown beards.

"Fer heaven's sake, laddies, what would ye be growin' them beards for, now?" he asked.

"We had to, lad, ye took the razor wi' ye!"

*****************************************************************************

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

So he said; "What's all this about?"

She said, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby fired back..."What about your 50 year old arse?"

"Your name never came up." She replied.

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on September 18, 2008, 06:19:41 PM
 :D nice one, very nice
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: arlin payne on September 18, 2008, 06:43:44 PM
Does any one know the story of "how to catch a wild haggis"? Got CRS real bad
these days and dont remember none of it except it was funnier than west texas.
 
Arlin  ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 19, 2008, 05:38:04 AM
Arlin, I don't know about "wild haggis" but I can tell you how to catch a polar bear.

To catch a polar bear you have to go way out on the ice pack then cut a large hole about 4 -5 feet in diameter in the ice. Then you take some peas, preferrably fresh but if you have to wait long they'll be frozen so maybe it doesn't matter, and place them carefully around the edge of the hole spaced six to eight inches apart. Then you have to hide and wait for the bear to show up.

Then... when the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 19, 2008, 06:00:26 AM
Arlin, Oh all right... try this one... seem to work for the locals!

Och aye, laddie, huv ye never heard of the wild haggis hunters o' the Heilans? Y'see, laddie, the thing about the haggis is that it makes its home in the Scottish Heilans, which are full of big muckle mountains...

Noo, Evolution has gifted the haggis wi' two wee right legs and two big long left legs, so they dinna topple o'er when they run around yon hills (clockwise, nat'rally.) Yon Haggis are fun-loving little critters, but they're easily startled - so all the hunter laddie has to do is make a wee hide where he knows a haggis is going to run past, then BANG!, he leaps out in front of the puir wee thing, which gets a fright an' tries to turn around and run anti-clockwise. But as ye ken, the haggis is only gifted to run clockwise, so it topples over and bounces all the way down the mountain. After a good day's haggis-frightnin', the hunter walks doon, picks up all the puir helpless haggi, and sells them at the local market...

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: arlin payne on September 19, 2008, 07:33:34 AM
That's the one Stirling and thanks,it's still funny as  :-X. I start laughing every
time I think of such a thing happening. ;D ;D ;D

Arlin
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on September 19, 2008, 03:28:56 PM
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves. A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

Barbara  ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on September 20, 2008, 12:41:53 PM
That would be something I might do
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 24, 2008, 10:56:04 AM
Three lads are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first lad says, 'My Da scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him £50.'

The second lad says, 'That's nothing. My Da scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him £100.'

The third lad says, 'I got you both beat. My Da scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: arlin payne on September 24, 2008, 11:18:25 AM
Stirling,  that one is funny,and I'm thinking there more than a little truth in it. ;D ;D

Arlin
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 03, 2008, 09:21:37 AM
Thought about putting this on the DOGS thread but then again...

How to give a cat a pill...

 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat the process.
 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
 8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
 9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the @#&!*%~ cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A & E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill....
1. Wrap it in bacon.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on October 03, 2008, 12:27:09 PM
Hey Stu,
As the "mother" of 2 little cats, you've got this one right!   There have been days that I wanted to wrap the cats in bacon and feed them to a dog!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on October 04, 2008, 03:25:52 PM
Stu, that was the funniest one I've read about how to give a cat a pill.   ;D  ;D  ;D  Thanks for the laughs.

Donna that was funny about wrapping your cats in bacon and feed them to the dogs.   ;D 

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 08, 2008, 02:29:50 PM
A Scotsman went to a pub with his great dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside [ootside] and went in to have a pint o' bitter. A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walk in and the following conversation ensued:

New man: Is that your dog ootside?
First man: Yes. What of it?
New man: Well, I think my dog may'a killed 'im.
First man: What kind'a dog you got that can kill a great dane?
New man: Well, e's a chihuahua.
First man: Ha! 'ow can a chihuahua kill a great dane?
New man: Well, I think the wee bastard may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 22, 2008, 07:59:32 AM
While we're on the subject of dogs...

Fotheringham was a Brit through and through, while his neighbor Mackintosh was a true Scot. Ever since they had settled down in adjacent houses they played an active game of "keeping up with the Joneses." If one bought a new car, it was certain that within a week the other would have a new, slightly fancier car. If one re-painted the trim on his house, the other house would promptly be freshened up.

And on it went throughout the years: lawn ornaments, barbeques, shrubbery, boats, carpets, lamps - almost anything one could imagine would be purchased by one neighbor and promptly one-upped by the other.

Their mutual passion was hunting, and every spring and autumn they would spend days slogging through marshes and forests, fighting off mosquitoes, blackflies, and poison ivy, ever in pursuit of a better buck or a fatter string of ducks than the other one had bagged the previous year. Despite the competition, it was usually friendly, and more than once Fotheringham and Mackintosh went on their expeditions together.

One evening, Mackintosh received a telephone call from Foteringham.
"The duck hunting season starts tomorrow, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in joinin' me for the first shoot of the year?"
"Fer certain I'll be there!" replied the Scot. "Let's start oot in the wee hours o' the mornin', for I would like to be on the lake when the sun comes up."

At 5:00 the next morning the Englishman was on Mackintosh's doorstep. Together they went out to their favorite lake and waited for the sunrise. Fotheringham had brought along new dog - a rather nondescript spaniel. As the sun came up behind them, a flock of ducks flew over the water. "I'll get this one," said Fotheringham, as he swung his Jeager over and under. He pulled the trigger, and a greenhead tumbled out of the flock and splashed on to the surface of the lake.

Fotheringham looked down at his dog. "All right, boy, go get it!" Immediately the dog jumped out of the boat. In amazement, Mackintosh watched the dog as it ran on top of the water, retrieved the duck, and ran back across the surface of the lake. It leaped the gunwhale and deposited the duck at his master's feet, having not so much as got a hair on its chest wet.

Bursting with pride, Fotheringham asked, "There! What do ya think of that?"

Mackintosh looked at the dog, looked at Fotheringham, looked again at the dog, then looked up at the Englishman. After some thought, he said slowly, "If ye want me opinion, I think ye got taken. I wouldna spend good money on a dog that dinna know how to swim!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on October 22, 2008, 08:20:21 AM
A Scotsman went to a pub with his great dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside [ootside] and went in to have a pint o' bitter. A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walk in and the following conversation ensued:

New man: Is that your dog ootside?
First man: Yes. What of it?
New man: Well, I think my dog may'a killed 'im.
First man: What kind'a dog you got that can kill a great dane?
New man: Well, e's a chihuahua.
First man: Ha! 'ow can a chihuahua kill a great dane?
New man: Well, I think the wee bastard may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat.

This one reminds me of taking my Dachshund over to my friend's house ...........who owns a Rottweiler!  Schnapps was too dumb to know how little he was and the Rott kept more than ONE eye on him! 11 lbs versus 125........................

Good one!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 27, 2008, 10:10:54 AM
Here kitty, kitty...

We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We
phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in
the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in
the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife
goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs
upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't
want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she
explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to
say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said as we
drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her
with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed
her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 31, 2008, 07:50:44 AM
This tale concerns the Scottish poet, Thomas Campbell.

Campbell, when a young man, was on a walking tour in the South of Scotland and met a very stormy spell of weather in the midst of the Lowther Hills. He made for the nearest inn and, after a hearty meal of ham and eggs, he got himself to bed. It was a wild wet night, but the inn was dark and cosy, and the young Scottish poet lay musing upon his latest poem.

Suddenly there came a gentle tap at the door and the dainty little serving lass, shading a candle with her hand, slipped quietly into the room. She crept up to the bedside table and smiling shyly, whispered, "Sir, could take another into your bed ?"

"With all my heart," breathed the young poet.

"I thank you, sir," said the young lass, "for Johnny MacGrizzle, the Moffat cattleman, has just arrived, soaked to the skin."

And that is supposed to have suggested to Campbell the title of his next volume, The Pleasure of Hope.

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on November 01, 2008, 10:26:29 AM
A Irisg Ghost Story. Irish Scottish there close but not. The jock is still funny.   

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!   

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

  The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on . 

 The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. 

 Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.   A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

  Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...   

'Look Paddy.....there's that f*king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Duke Thompson on November 02, 2008, 04:47:41 PM
Thanks Graham, I'll be retelling Irish Ghost Story for a month!!!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on November 03, 2008, 10:38:30 AM
Hey Graham,
That was a good one!  I'm going to print it out so I don't mess it up when I
retell it.

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on November 04, 2008, 06:35:13 PM
Im glad everyone liked it. My grandma emailed it to me
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 05, 2008, 12:09:35 PM
I think this happened on the road from Kelso to Jedburg...

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.

"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.

"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"

"Yeah, but…" stammered the farmer.

"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.

"Yes," Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.

"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too.

Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 06, 2008, 08:08:27 AM
Big Shuggie is on holiday and is stuck at the airport, and proceeds to get very drunk.

After about his tenth big swig at his bottle a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor.

Big Shuggie is furious, he grabs the wee fellah demanding recompense and drags him out of the building.

Next thing he returns with bruises all over his face.

Behind him is the Japanese man who is smiling.

"It is just a small Japanese thing," he explained to the crowd of waiting passengers, who were astonished, "We call it aikido."

But despite having been overwhelmed and tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie's ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to 'go ootside'

They do and within a couple of minutes Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him

"It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains once more to the impressed crowd, "We call it karate."

As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and 'batter him wan'

Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside.

A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hear a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion,

"It wiz just a small Japanese thing," he explains to them, "The bumper aff a Toyota!"

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on November 06, 2008, 09:36:52 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D  Funny jokes fellas, thanks, the laughter is appreciated.

Barbara

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on November 06, 2008, 11:54:19 PM
Yep, another good one (or two) from Stu! 

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 07, 2008, 08:14:09 AM
It's getting hard to find good, clean ones... found this at some sort seminary!

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, we're sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on November 09, 2008, 12:05:53 AM
 ;D  ;D  ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 12, 2008, 07:07:20 AM
Wee Shuggie is in a terrible state and goes to see a private therapist, too terrified to go to a doctor in case they declare him mad!

"So how can I help?" asks the therapist

"It's like this, Ah've started getting these fears at night, and they are getting worse! I keep thinking somebody is under the bed, so I go down under it to look and no-one's there, immediately, my brain tells me there's somebody on top of it and this goes on all night - under - top - under - top. It's driving me mental!"

The therapist thinks for a bit and says, "I am positive I can cure you of this."

"Oh great!" says Wee Shuggie.

"Now, I want you to come and see me twice a week for the next six months for a two hour session each time." says the therapist making some notes.

"And how much will that be?" asks wee Shuggie.

"£60 per session" the therapist informs him.

Shuggie leaves, troubled at the thought of all that money and goes for a consoling drink at his local.

The therapist never sees wee Shuggie again, until one day months later he bumps into him in the street. He is surprised to see him look so well, not the sleep-deprived maniac he had last seen.

"Why did you never come back?" he asks Shug.

"At £60 a pop, twice a week for six months? You must be kidding! The barman at the local cured me for a tenner!"

"How on earth did he do that?"

"He told me to buy a saw and cut the legs off the bed!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 13, 2008, 10:20:27 AM
Filming in Scotland can be a difficult task given the ever-changing patterns of weather - as the old saying goes - want to experience four seasons? Come to Scotland on a day trip!

A film crew were filming in the highlands when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by,
"Tommorow rain." he informed them and hobbled on.

Sure enough it rained the very next day.

Again he hobbled past. "Tomorrow sunshine." he let them know, and it was indeed a fine sunny day the next day,

The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be.

But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy.

"Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up."

"Radio broken." the old man replied.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 14, 2008, 07:01:29 AM
Gloria Finds a Bargain

Gloria was the typical penny-pinching Scottish old maid. So conservative most men thought, no way would she ever land a normal husband.  She was the type who would probably scald him before she agreed to sleep with him. Well, she never did, but that had nothing to do with her persistent love for shopping for a bargain.

One early spring day, Gloria could be found in the ritzy shopping mall, and this time a beautiful red wool suit caught her immediate attention. Rushing inside the store, she asked a clerk, "do you have another of those red wool suits like the one I saw from outside in the window?"

"Yes, lady," the sales clerk began. "Wait here, and I'll check in the back to make sure."

Shortly, the clerk returned, and Gloria's ear-to-ear smile said she was bound to make a purchase within minutes.

"May I try it on?" asked Gloria.

The clerk handed the suit to Gloria and showed her to the dressing room. In seconds, Gloria was back and admiring herself in that nice red wool suit in the closest mirror.

"May I wrap it for you, or do you wish to wear it?" asked the clerk.

"Oh," said Gloria, "I forgot to ask. What's the price? How much are you asking for it?"

"It's $149.95," the clerk answered.

"Damn!" said Gloria, as she rushed back to the dressing area to take off the suit, "no way am I going to pay that much of my hard earned for one wool suit!" Shortly, she was dressed and out of the store.

A little while later in the shopping center, Gloria spotted another dress that looked exactly like the one she had tried on at the first store. She just had to do it, so Gloria went in. This time, her first question was about the price of the red wool suit. Upon learning the price and checking it out to prove to herself that it was, indeed the same suit at a much better price, Gloria paid for the new dress, and with it neatly boxed and under her arm, she rushed back to the first store.

"See here," Gloria all but shouted when she spotted the clerk who tried to sell her an over-priced same, same suit. "Look what I found at another dress shop, and it only cost me $49.95!"

"Yes, lady," the clerk attempted to maintain her temperament, "this is not the same suit. The one you tried on here is made of virgin wool."

Gloria thought about that momentarily, looked deep into the sales lady's eyes, and said, "Damn! I saved $100.00. What the hell do I care what the sheep do at night!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 20, 2008, 10:44:22 AM
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.

The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate,"

"But......" stammers the driver.

"Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.

"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!"

"But....." says the driver.

"Now!"

So the driver does it again.

"Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"Du it again" says the highlander.

"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.

The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside. "All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Ernest Thompson on November 20, 2008, 05:27:05 PM
Im sorry but I can't stop laughing.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 21, 2008, 10:54:30 AM
They can't all be that funny!

A Scotsman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Scotsman, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know," he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Ernest Thompson on November 21, 2008, 04:29:30 PM
You're right. They  aren't all that funny!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on November 21, 2008, 07:31:08 PM
Hahaha that was a good one
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on November 22, 2008, 08:17:18 PM
They are all good Stu, some funnier than others but all good for a laugh.  ;D  ;D  ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 25, 2008, 09:54:38 AM
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on November 25, 2008, 10:44:33 PM
LOL!  Oh my!   ;D ;D ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Duke Thompson on November 28, 2008, 09:13:44 PM
Okay Stu, that one got me giggling since I have a Nun in the family - everytime I think I have stopped I chuckle again...
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on December 01, 2008, 10:14:25 AM
Sandy met Donald, an old friend, after the passage of some years, and the following conversation took place:

"I've been married since I last saw you, Donald."
" Married, Sandy, " that's good.
" Oh, not so good, Donald, she was a terrible scold."
" Married to a scold, you say ? That's very bad Sandy."
" Oh, not so bad, Donald. She had lots of money."
" A wife with money. Sandy ! That's very, very good."
" Oh, not so good, Donald, she was very thrifty with it."
" A wife with money. Sandy. And very thrifty with it. That's not good."
" Oh, not so bad, Donald. She built a house with it."
" A house of your own, Sandy. That's very fine."
" Not so fine, Donald. The house burned down."
" The new house built with your wife's money burned down. Sandy ? That's very bad for sure ! "
" Oh, not so bad, Donald. She was in it! "
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on December 01, 2008, 06:35:48 PM
A Scottish Christmas

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
 I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!"
 "Dad, what are you talking about!" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
 "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."
 Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
 "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced.  Don't do a single thing until I get there.  I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.  Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME!" and hangs up.
 The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  "Okay," he says, "they'll be coming for Christmas - and they'll be paying their own way."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on December 02, 2008, 08:46:09 AM
Way to go Graham! Does this mean I can take break here?
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on December 02, 2008, 06:53:12 PM
lol I dont think so, keep em coming ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on December 03, 2008, 02:18:28 AM
There will be no rest for you Stu and Graham can be your assistant!  Anyone who gives us a good laugh is appreciated!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on December 03, 2008, 05:54:25 AM
Oh, all right... but I must warn I'm starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel.  ;)

The only ride Reverend MacDonald could get out of the little Highland village was in a mule-drawn carriage. " One thing though, " said Sandy, the driver, " it's a bad road, and I can't rush my mule, Ben. He's been with me so long he's like a brother to me." Sandy pulled up after a few miles and pointed ahead. " Now, that hill's too steep for Ben to climb with both of us in here. You'll have to walk." Reverend MacDonald got out and walked through the rough heather. After the minister got back in, the driver said, " Next hill's even worse. To spare Ben, this time I'll get out and walk." A few minutes later, the driver said, " I told you this hill is the worst of all. This time we'll both walk. Ben's getting tired already." Finally they reached their destination, mostly by foot through rough heather. Reverend MacDonald wearily paid the driver his fee. Then he said, " I had to come to this glen for the sake of my congregation. You had to come here for the sake of the money. But for God's sake, why did we bring Ben ? "


The Highland minister wound up his services one morning by saying, " Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. In preparation for my sermon, I should like you all to read the 17th Chapter of Mark."
On the following Sunday, the minister rose to begin, and said," Now then, all of you who have read the 17th Chapter of Mark, please raise your hands. " Nearly every hand in the small congregation went up. Then said the minister, " You are the very people I want to talk to. There is no 17th Chapter of Mark ! "
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on December 05, 2008, 11:52:22 AM
As a Christmas present one year, the laird gave Macphail,
the gamekeeper, a deerstalker. Macphail was most
appreciative, and wore the hat every day. When it was
particularly cold and windy, he pulled the flaps down to
keep his ears warm. Then one day the laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
‘Where’s the hat?’ he asked.
‘I’ve given up wearing it, since the accident,’ said
Macphail.
‘Accident? I didn’t know you had had an accident.’
‘Oh, yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky, and I had
the earfiaps down and never heard him.’
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on December 12, 2008, 09:29:11 AM
Have two, they're small! been awfully quiet around here lately!

A farmer, making his nightly rounds, saw a shadowy figure holding a lantern and standing somewhat furtively by the side of his cottage. Knowing all his family was in the cottage, he shouted, " Hey, there. Who are you ? " Holding the lantern head high, the figure laughed and replied, " It's only me. Sandy."
" Why Ithought you were in bed long ago, " said the farmer, " what are you doing out so late?"
" Well, " said Sandy, shifting about a bit as though in deep embarrassment, "I'm courting Annie."
The farmer chuckled. " Why the lantern ? Why, when I was courting my wife, I didn't take a lantern."
The young man hesitated for a moment, then said, " Yes, I know. We can all see that."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer sent to Stornoway on a month’s secondment
found that his stay coincided with what seemed like
perpetual rain. One day, setting out for work, he said to his landlady’s little boy:
‘Doesn’t the weather ever change here?’
‘I don’t know,’ said the child, ‘I’m only six.’
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on December 14, 2008, 09:43:41 PM
Thanks Stu, I don't know how you do it but you just keep coming up with more, I love the laughs.   ;D

Barb
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on December 16, 2008, 12:22:16 PM
"How was your golf game, dearie?" asked Jock's wife Agnes.

"Well, Ah was hitting pretty well, but mah eyesight's gotten sa bad, I couldn'a see where the ball went."

"Yer seventy-five years old, Jock!" admonished his wife. "Why don't you take mah brother Sandy along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jock.

"Aye, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch yer ball for ya," Agnes pointed out.

The next day Jock teed off with Sandy looking on. Jock swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did ya see where it went?" asked Jock.

"Aye," Sandy answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jock, peering off into the distance.

"Ah forgot."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on December 17, 2008, 11:53:50 AM
Another good laugh!  Thanks Stu!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on December 18, 2008, 12:40:19 PM
Sounds like a normal day around my house ....with a bit of a twist.  I can HEAR EVERYTHING....but can't see squat.  Tom has great eyesight but has been deaf for 40 years.  If you don't think THIS gives us lots of interesting predicaments! So far, we can pretty well
'remember,' ............OMG is that the NEXT thing to go???
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on December 19, 2008, 08:27:02 PM
No the next thing to go is the bladder  :P
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on December 21, 2008, 10:21:27 PM
CHRISTMAS FAIRY
 
 I am a little fairy
 On tap o' the Christmas Tree
 It's no' a job I fancy
 Well how would you like tae be me
 
 A tarted up wi' tinsel
 It's enough to mak ye boak
 An a couple o' jaggy branches
 Rammed up the back o' your frock
 
 An' these wee lights a'roon me
 I canna get my sleep
 An' there's the yearly visit
 Fae Santa - Big fat creep!
 
 On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here
 While you're a' wirin' in
 An' naebody says "Hey you up there
 Could you go a slug o' gin?
 
 It's nae joke bein' a fairy
 The job's beyond belief
 You've got to go roon' the wean's beds
 An' lift their rotten teeth
 
 But o' a' the joabs a fairy gets
 An' I've mentioned only so me
 The very worst is sitting up a tree
 Wi' pine needles up yir bum

 When a' the fairies meet again
 By the light of' the silvery moon
 Ye can tell the Christmas fairies
 They're the wans that canna sit doon

The Christmas tree's a bonny sight
 As the firelight softly flickers
 But think o' me I'm stuck up  here
 Wi' needles in my knickers
 
 So soon as Christmas time's right by
 An' I stop bein' sae full o' cheer
 I'll get awa back tae Fairyland

 An' I'll see yous a' next year.

Barbara  ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on December 22, 2008, 08:50:38 AM
That was great Barbara! Got any more?
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on December 22, 2008, 09:08:07 PM
Thanks Stu......now if I could only remember where I got that one!!!  A case of CRS is what I've got!

Barbara  ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on January 08, 2009, 10:45:34 AM
Here's another twofer for the duffers out there...

"Sandy, you promised to be home at two o'clock this afternoon and now it's after six."
" Bonny Wife, please ! My best friend Donald is dead - dropped dead on the 10th green this morning at St. Andrews."
" Oh, how terrible."
" It certainly was. The whole day, it's been hit the ball...drag Donald... hit the ball... drag Donald..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sandy and Scotty were playing a mountainous course in the Western Highlands. Sandy joined his partner after playing a difficult lie at the bottom of a deep ravine. " How many ? " asked Scotty.
" Three."
" Three ? I heard six ! "
" Three were echoes."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on January 13, 2009, 10:48:37 AM
From www.firstfoot.com comes their Joke of the Day!

MacDuff bought a mule and the day after he got it home it kicked his mother-in-law to death.

At the funeral 350 men turned up.

The minister said to MacDuff, 'No disrespect intended, MacDuff, but knowing your mother-in-law as I did, I'm amazed that 350 men would bother to come to the funeral.'

'Och, they haven't come for the funeral, Minister,' said MacDuff, 'they've come to buy the mule!' ";
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on January 14, 2009, 08:34:45 PM
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh groooooooooooooooan!   It is to laugh  ;D

Here's a good cartoon! http://www.fife.50megs.com/tour-scotland-82.htm Even if it does discriminate against short women!  ;)
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on January 16, 2009, 07:01:17 AM
Now this makes a lot of sense! But what's a "strimmer"?

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers bar,
drinking beer.

Tam turns to Shuie and says, "You know, I'm tired of goin' through life
withoot an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college
and sign up for some classes."

Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who
signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and
Logic.

"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's that?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye"

"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a
Garden."

"That's true, I dae huv a Garden."

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think
logically that you would have a house."

"Aye, I do have a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I have a femily."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Aye, I dae have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a
heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of
that because I have a strimmer."

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and
leaves to meet Shuie at the pub.

He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths,
English, History and Logic.

"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's that?"

Tam says, "I'll show you. Do you have a strimmer?"

"No."

"Then you're a poof."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on January 18, 2009, 07:48:54 AM
Didn't see THAT one coming.....but sometimes I'm not the brightest bulb with jokes!   LIKED IT!

How you guys doing?  Did you see the photos from the FL games? We've talked to Fred and Duke and they seem to be having a great time. THAT'S the real point of a tent at the game - to get out there and meet, greet, and have a good time. Sure wish we could have gone............well, hopefully, we'll have a chance to go next year!  :'(
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on January 23, 2009, 12:19:52 PM
Three wee ones...

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"

Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"

"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A good friend of mine was recently touring Scotland. After stopping in a local store he spied a kilt that he absolutely had to have. After haggling with the shopkeeper for an extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually agreeable price far below that which was posted.

My friend then took out his velcro wallet and proceeded to open it, at which point the shopkeeper exclaimed "Ay, now that is a good Scotch purse, it even screams when ye open it!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on January 24, 2009, 10:13:57 PM
Stu, you're killing me! :D :D :D

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on January 25, 2009, 01:47:31 PM
LOL  Me too.  ;D ;D ;D  Thanks Stu. Whoops, that rhymed.  ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Michael Thompson on January 26, 2009, 09:40:48 PM
Yesterday was Robert Burns' birthday. Here's one I told at the festivities:

A newly qualified doctor arrives for his first day at a hospital, deep in the Welsh valleys. He is met by one of the sisters, who has been given the task of showing him around the hospital and introducing him to the staff and patients.

It is a large hospital and it takes the whole day to get round. By late afternoon they are working their way through the psychiatric block and as the time approaches for the evening meal they arrive at the last ward. They follow the dinner trolley into the ward and wait while one of the nurses lifts the lid on the food tray. To the doctor's surprise there is but a single haggis on the tray to feed a whole ward.

One of the patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner addressing the haggis,

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.

Before he can reach the haggis another patient sprints forward, grabs the simple repast and dashes up the ward. He proudly holds the haggis aloft and cries out in a commanding voice,

Some hae meat and cannae eat.
Some cannae eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.

At this, a kilted dervish leaps from his bed, whips a skien dubh out of his sock and lunges at the haggis carrier. With a deft movement the haggis bearer fend off the flashing blade with the haggis. Although this prevents any  injury it does result in the top of the haggis being hacked off. A small mouse obviously waiting upon this event dashes out from under a bed, grabs the loose piece of haggis and scampers up the ward, running the gauntlet of slashing claymores and hurled dirks from various patients. At the end of the ward stands a bent and wizened old man with a wild fire in his eyes. He screams at the mouse,

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!

And then dives upon the poor little mouse. With a left dummy and a right feint, the mouse dodges between the old man's legs, through a hole in the skirting board and to safety with his prize. The doctor turns to the sister and asks, "Why is this psychiatric ward so full of Scotsmen?"

"Oh no, doctor, these are not Scotsmen, they are genuine valley dwellers born and bred", she replies, "and, anywa, this is not a psychiatric ward, it is the serious Burns unit"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on January 27, 2009, 05:55:43 AM
Found this on The World's Burns Club site so it must be a Scottish joke!

A young man had just purchased a very expensive parrot and was deeply upset to find it dead the following day. He immediately phoned the vet in the hope that he could save it.

The vet arrived and pronounced the parrot dead. Oh! It can't be responded the young man, I want a second opinion.

O.k. Said the vet who went off and a few moments later brought in a Labrador dog, which sniffed the parrot then turning to the vet said "its dead", there you are young man your parrot is dead.

No, he said, I want another opinion, the vet went off and brought in a cat which sniffed the parrot and touched it with his paw, he then turned to the vet and agreed with the dog that the parrot was dead.

The young man accepted the final opinion but was not happy. The following day the vet returned with the bill for £150, the young man was shocked and questioned the bill.

To which the vet replied "well for £150 you've had a lab report and a cats scan!!!!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Booner on February 01, 2009, 06:30:27 PM
Ian MacThomas and Mary MacFey where both on a train from Scotland to England. By some mistake they were both sharing the same sleeping berth.  Ian, being a gentleman, said he's take the top berth and let Mary have the lower. She agreed and, after giving each other some privacy, they both went to bed.

In the middle of the night, the heating system breaks down and Ian woke up because he is so cold.  He wanted to get out of bed and get another blanket but didn't want to risk waking Mary. So Ian looks over the edge of his berth and sees that Mary is awake!  So Ian says to her. "Excuse me Mary, but I'm so cold, do you think you could get up and get me a blanket?''

Mary looks up at Ian and says, "Ian, were both adults, so I propose, just for this night, we pretend we're married"

Ian say "Sure!"

and Mary says "Good, then get up and get your own darn blanket!"


Booner
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on February 02, 2009, 10:49:28 AM
I didn't dare put this in the poetry thread!

Burn's Poem - Another Version


Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous win'
The neeps 'n' tatties 'n' mushy peas
Stert workin' like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin' wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place
Nae maiter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try an' stop the leakin' air
Shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it disnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almichty it fairly reeks
Hope a huvnae s**t ma breeks
Tae the bog a better scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
A'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! A shout wi' accusin glower
Alas too late, he's jist keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome ony mair
Where e'er ye be let yer wind gang free
Sounds like jist the job fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' wan wee farty
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on February 05, 2009, 09:48:13 AM
Tour Guides

The guide at Edinburgh Castle when asked why he was lacking the first finger on his right hand, answered: " I've been a guide, man and boy, for twenty-five years, and I just naturally wore that finger off pointing out places of interest to inquisitive tourists."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
" These rock formations, " explained the tourist-worn guide, " were piled up here in the Highlands by the glaciers."
" Where are the glaciers now? " asked a curious old lady. " They've gone back, madam, to get more rocks, " said the guide.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sandy was showing the tourists the historical places of the area as he drove the large tourist bus through central Scotland.
" Here at Bannockbum we hammered the might of the English........ "
They moved on. " Here we thrashed the brutal English. " A little further.
" On this spot, ladies and gentlemen, we knocked the unholy lard out of a crowd of English redcoats in spite of their treachery."
An English tourist grew understandably irate.
" Look, " he said, " surely the English must have beaten the Scots some place or other ? "
Sandy glared. " Not on this bus! " he growled.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of Americans were touring Scotand. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. It's too rainy. The hotel accommodations are awful. The group arrived at Scone Palace the site of the famous Stone of Destiny. "Good luck will be following you all your days if you kiss the Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Graham Thompson on February 06, 2009, 07:45:10 PM
Hahaha take that bitchy lady :P
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on February 06, 2009, 10:52:15 PM
 ;D ;D ;D It's been a long time since I read "Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie."  It still makes me laugh.

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on February 09, 2009, 06:03:07 AM
Bagpiper's Story

As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a Funeral Director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest.

I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another,

"Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph ... I never seen nothin' like that before -
and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on February 10, 2009, 01:11:42 PM
With apologies to the lassies...

 THE MacPHEARSON SAGA

A Brigadier General was inspecting a Scots Highland in full parade dress. There were rows and rows of kilted brawny fine Scotsmen. As the Brigadier General started down the 3rd row he noticed a strapping lad at the end had a problem with something hanging below the hem of his kilt. As he approached the end of the row he stopped in front of this particular fellow, and looked him up and down.

"How long have ye ben in the regiment yung mun?" he asked

"Sur, I ben in the regiment abou' thrai yaars."

"Whu' might be yur name yung mun?"

"Me name's MacPhearson, Sur."

"Yur a credit to th' regiment, kape upp the gud wurk," said the Brigadier General as he moved on.

As the Brigadier General came to the 7th row he noticed another young man with something even longer below the hem of his kilt. He approached him and said,

"How long have ye ben in the regiment yung mun?"

"I've been with th' regiment abou' fav' yaars, sur," was the reply.

"Whu' might be yur name yung mun?"

"Me name's MacPhearson, Sur."

"yur a fin' strappin' specimen of manhud. Might yu han' a yunger bruther in the thaird row?"

"Aye, sur. He's me yunger bruther."

"Yur a credit to th' regiment, kape up the gud wurk," said the Brigadier General as he moved on.

As the Brigadier General came to the last row he noticed another young man with something actually hanging to the ground below the hem of his kilt. He approached him and said,

"How long have ye ben in the regiment yung mun?"

"I've ben in th' regiment abou' ten yaars, sur," was the reply.

"Yur name is nai MacPhearson, by any stretch of the imagination, is ut?"

"Aye sur, how did yu figur' tha?"

"Du yu hav' yunger bruthers in the regiment?"

"Aye, sur, 2. How did yu fugur' me name was MacPhearson, sur?"

"Ye and yur bruthers bear a strong family resemblance to each uther."

"Aye sur, we hav' the family nose."

"Wull, I was nai exactly referin' to yur nose. Yu and yur bruthers seem to be very well endowed."

"Ach, sur tha's nai a family resemblance. Me Muther only had one arm and tha's how she used to pluck us from the cradle!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on February 12, 2009, 09:47:25 AM
Some rules of Kilt Etiquette... for those that prefer to "go commando"!

    Those who plan to wear the kilt should recognize that a kilted man inevitably attracts admiring spectators drawn like moths to the flame, or termites to a caber. These admirers, who are often given to calling out such endearments as "Kiltie, kiltie, cauld bum, cannae keep a warm one!" or "Donald! where's your troosers?" see a kilted Scot as an adventurer who walks the thin line between Presbyterian and prurient, between bard and barbarian, between tradition and tramp. These admirers hope to glimpse, even fleetingly, that element which separates our kilted clansmen from troosered trash.
    However, to avoid inadvertently offending the delicate sensibilities of spectators (and some are more delicate than others), men should observe the following rules of kilt etiquette:
    1. Walk, do not run, when departing trains, making for supermarket blue-light specials, and responding to last call in the pubs. If you must walk quickly, then keep both hands on your sporran. If your sporran is up around your neck, you're walking much too fast.
    2. Do not go upstairs, especially in a double-decker bus, lighthouses, or monuments. Likewise, you should avoid open balconies and glass fronted elevators. Neither should you go downstairs; if you find yourself upstairs, then wait until all spectators have left the premises before you descend.
    3. Do not stoop, crouch, or squat to pick up anything from the floor, have a friend to pick up the object for you. If your friends will not oblige, kick the object to a secluded place before you retrieve it. If you have no friends, then stooping, crouching or squatting in a kilt may only worsen your lonely condition.
    4. Do not wear shiny new shoes. Dull them a little (perhaps with mud or mince) or wear spats and establish your credentials as the fashion trend setter that you are.
    5. Do not stand at the edge of reflective pools, unrippled ponds, or mirror-like puddles. On
    those formal events where you must wear silver buckles on your shoes, do not stand still for longer than five seconds at a time. Dance instead.
    6. Dance nothing more boisterous that a slow waltz. Reserve wild reels, jigs, and flings for family gatherings where your identity requires no further elaboration, or for those occasions when your anonymity is assured. Limbo dancing in a kilt at any time definitely breaches kilt etiquette.
    7. Respond only with an enigmatic smile to any questions about what is worn under your kilt. Avoid responding with the tired cliché "Nothing is worn under my kilt, everything is in fine working order." Similarly, do not offer anydemonstrations of what is worn under your kilt; an offer such as "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" can be misconstrued as the opening salvo in an ever escalating series of challenges and exhibitions which might be illegal in public places, even between consenting adults.
    8. Shaving of one's legs is unnecessary. However, hirsute highlanders who elect to wax the hair from their legs should wax the whole leg and not just the knee area displayed between kilt and hose. Such false economies only contributeto the myth of the cheap Scot. Also, it is considered in poor taste to suggest private viewings of your "kilt-line"
    9. Do not sit with one leg crossed over the other. This position requires you to un-cross your legs later, a tricky maneuver mastered by only a select few after years of training. Always sit with your knees no more than six inches apart, thus creating enough shadow for mystery and discretion. Avoid soft recliners, swings or rocking chairs where the sitter's knees may move above shoulder level.
    10. Be sure of the context of the conversation before making comments about global warming, air conditioning, or the ozone layer; none of these topics necessarily pertains to the creature comforts of a kiltie. You should also note that, regardless of their ambiguous titles, films such as "The Naked Gun", "The Untouchables" and "The Full Monty" do not address any issues related to the wearing of the kilt.
    Observance of these simple guidelines allows one to wear the kilt with panache and ensures your own confident decorum, all while providing your adoring audience with a stirring but not unsettling spectacle.

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on February 12, 2009, 09:57:25 AM
Scottish Initiation Rites!

The Kilt is a clear sign of Scottish manliness and fearlessness in the face of terrors that would make other men quake.
What other race of men, inhabiting a lonely moorland terrain infested with bloodsucking beasties would decide to adopt a dress (sorry the Kilt) as their national dress. And not only that but decide that if worn correctly it should be worn without underwear!

This is the secret initiation rite of Scottish manhood. It is a little known fact that not all Scottish men are entitled to wear the Kilt. In the Autumn of the year that a boy reaches 15 or so he is inspected - down there - by the Clan Chief's wife and she either pronounces "och he's jist a wee boy yet!" or declares his entry into the rite of manhood with a shout of "Jees will ye look at they yins!"

The young man is then stripped of his trousers and underwear and fitted with a Kilt. He is then taken with great ceremony to the nearest boggy bit of ground to test if he is "fit fer the Midgie".

The young man is expected to remain in the bog with his legs wide apart and holding a large stone above his head for not less than two hours while clouds of midges track him down by the odour of fear which he is usually giving of.
At the end of the two hours the Scotsman then has three large stones only one of which he has been carrying above his head. To ease his pain his pals them take him to the boozer and get him completely "oot o his face".
Needless to say few modern men survive this ordeal which is why now in Scotland we see only the occasional man wearing a Kilt.

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on February 24, 2009, 10:31:57 AM
An Archbishop and a Glasgow taxi driver died on the same day. When they got to the Pearly Gates they were met by Saint Peter whom they asked for entry into Paradise.

Saint Peter checked his files.

He said to the taxi driver, "Here,take this Golden Staff and Silk Robe and enter into the Kingdom of Heaven."

Saint Peter turned to the Archbishop and said, "Take this thin cotton robe and a wooden staff and enter into the Kingdom of Heaven."

The Archbishop was very annoyed and he questioned Saint Peter. "Don't you think you have us mixed up, Saint Peter?"

"Oh no," said Saint Peter. "When YOU preached, everybody slept. And when the taxi driver DROVE, everybody prayed."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on February 26, 2009, 03:53:33 PM
 ;D ;D ;D  You're priceless Stu!  Thanks for the laughs.

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on February 27, 2009, 12:13:33 PM
Some quotes from Saki...

Saki was the pen-name of Hector Hugo Munro
Killed in the Great European War of 1914-1918
 
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation."
"I believe I take precedence,' he said coldly; 'you are merely the club Bore: I am the club Liar.' "
"I always say beauty is only sin deep. "
"But, good gracious, you've got to educate him first. You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school."
"Waldo is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. "
"All decent people live beyond their incomes nowadays, and those who aren't respectable live beyond other people's. A few gifted individuals manage to do both. "
"I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. "
"Children are given to us to discourage our better emotions."
"It's the early Christian that gets the fattest lion. "
"You can't expect the fatted calf to share the enthusiasm of the angels over the prodigal's return. "
"Every reformation must have its victims. "
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on March 03, 2009, 09:26:20 AM
Wife and Husband are lying in bed when there's a loud chap at the door. The husband gets up, puts on the dressing gown and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and hears the voice shout 'hey pal, can ye gie's a push?'

Infuriated, the husband shouts back 'do you realise it's two in the morning? I've my work to get up for in a few hours you know'. With this he slams the door and heads back upstairs. As he goes back to bed the wife asks who it was. After explaining, she sits up and angrily chastises him, saying 'D'ye mind that time we were stuck wae the weans when the car broke down in the middle o' the night, miles from onywhere? what would hae happent tae us if a stranger hadnae stopped tae help?"

Feeling her wrath and knowing she was right, he got up, put on his dressing gown and went back downstairs. He opened the front door and shouted 'hey pal, you still need a push?"

'Aye' came the reply.

'Well where are ye then, ah cannae see ye?'said the husband.

'Over here' came the reply...'oan the swings'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on March 03, 2009, 09:48:55 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ROTFLMHO  ;D ;D ;D  Keep up the good work Stu, and thanks.  I can just picture this one in my head.  ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on March 03, 2009, 11:58:30 PM
I didn't know there were so many CLEAN jokes  ;D
Thanks Stu

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on March 04, 2009, 05:29:35 AM
They are getting harder and harder to find unless I go off topic. I suppose I could start a non-Scottish joke thread...
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on March 08, 2009, 12:06:26 AM
Stu, go ahead, we can all use the laughs.

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on March 08, 2009, 09:55:56 AM
Little Sandy was in the habit of sucking his thumb all the time. His mother tried everything to break him of the habit. Finally, one day she pointed to a fat man with a very large stomach and said that the man had grown his stomach because he did not stop sucking his thumb. The next day the child was with his mother in a supermarket, and he kept staring at a woman with a stomach that was obviously not normal. In fact the woman was very pregnant. Finally the irate woman said to the child,
" Stop staring at me like that. You don't know who I am." " No, " said the boy, " but I do know what you have been doing."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on March 10, 2009, 07:16:06 AM
Ah' wee bloke in Glesga, wis it a party, an' hud a great time, an' gote Blootered.

A' he could remember nixt day, wis a Purple door, a big blonde, an' a beautiful golden toilet.

He wracked his brains tryin' tae remember where they wur, an took a walk doon the road. Lo, an' behold, he came acroass a purple door, he rapped oan it, an a big stunnin' blonde opened it, an' says "Yes?? "

He says, "Hey, ah' wis it a party last night, an a' ah' could remembur wis this door, a big blonde, an' a stoatin' gold toilet. Dae you huv a toilet like that??? "

An' the big blonde turns roon, an' shouts up ri' sterrs, "Hey Jimmy, Here's the bawbag thit pished in yur tuba!!"

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on March 12, 2009, 12:33:11 AM
 ::) 

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on March 13, 2009, 11:14:55 AM
Donuld, an' Morag hud been merried fur 20 years, an nae sign o' any family comin', Wan day it a' happened, an' they wur blessed wi' a son. Morag, says tae Donuld, Y'ull huv tae walk awa, tae the Oban Times oaffice, an pit an advert in the newspapers, so oor freens 'ull ken wur huvvin a bairn!! Awa' goes Donul, an' treks ower the moors day, an'night, tae get his mission accomplished. He comes back three days latur, an says ah'm baak Morag!!, an' she says, How much did it cost ye Donuld?? an' he says a thousan' poun's!! lassie, Why so much, says Morag?? The man at the oaffice, asked e How many insertions?? an' ah' told um, Five a week fur 20 years!! !
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on March 23, 2009, 11:35:17 AM
A father goes to answer the door and finds a wee boy waiting there.
" Is the donkey comin' oot tae play Mr Broon ?"
" The Donkey ? Who the hell's the Donkey ? Dae yae meen oor Davy ?"
" Aye Mr Broon. the Donkey"
The father goes into the living room and says to his boy "There's sumdy at the bliddy door fer yae Davy. Why does he call yae the Donkey ?"
" Ee aw ee aw ee always calls me that !"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on April 03, 2009, 09:41:30 AM
The Highlander lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His salivating lips parted; the wondrous taste of the scone was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spoon by his wife. "Stay out of those!" she snapped. "They're for the funeral."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on April 13, 2009, 10:25:27 PM
Thanks for all the laughs Stu!   ;D  ;D  ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on April 14, 2009, 09:52:47 AM
Two golfers enjoying their game and looking forward to the "nineteenth" hole reach the eighteenth and as the are about to address their last puts the see a guy sitting on a railway bridge nearby casting an imaginary line.
"Heh, Tam. Look at that daft bugger," says the one to the other.
" Aw, that's a shame so it is. Remember Wullie, There, but for the Grace of God, go I."
They finish their game and Tam, still feeling sorry for the guy, goes over to the railway bridge.
" Excuse me, pal," he says," Your probably in the mood for a bit of refreshment. Would you mind if I offer to invite you as a guest to the clubhouse for a wee drink ?"
" Aye, don't mind if you do." So he puts away his imaginary rod and joins them.
After a beer and two whiskeys, Wullie, laughing, says "And how many have you caught today?"
"Aye, you two are the furst !"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on April 16, 2009, 06:08:01 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D  Thanks Stu for all the laughs!

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: PaulThompson on April 27, 2009, 07:51:25 AM
A scot and a greek are discussing one day who's heritage is greater.

The greek says my ancestors invented mathematics
the Scot says and many scots have used that invention to create wonderful things for the betterment of the world

The greek says my ancestors created the alphabet and language
the scot says and many a countryman like Robbie Burns used this to create beautiful poetry and songs

the Greek smiles slyly and says my ancestors discovered sex
the scot laughs and says yes you did but we introduced it to women!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on April 30, 2009, 10:47:15 AM
Deathbed Confession.

Jimmy was on his deathbed. His wife Agnes, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 'Aw hen, ma wee sweetheart,' he whispered.
'Hush, Jimmy,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.'   He was insistent. 'Agnes,' he said in his tired voice. 'Ah've got tae tell ye something.' 'There's nothing to tell,' replied the weeping Agnes. 'Everything's aw right, go to sleep.'
'Naw, naw. I must die in peace, Agnes. I had an affair with your sister, your best pal and your Ma.'
'I know, I know' she whispered...... 'That's why I poisoned you.'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on May 05, 2009, 10:22:03 AM
Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on June 01, 2009, 06:03:29 AM
Scottish Drinking Jokes

Sandy was sitting at the bar drinking double whiskies in one gulp as fast as the barman could put them in front of him. He eventually explained that it was the only way he could drink them after a terrible accident. "What sort of accident?" asked the barman. "Terrible," said Sandy. "I knocked one over with my elbow."

Angus's long-suffering wife was fed up with her husband's unfortunate fondness of a not-so-wee dram. Most evenings he would roll home from the pub considerably the worse for wear. His wife resolved to cure him. Late one Samhain, she put a bedsheet over her head, hid behind the bushes at the front door of their croft, and waited for her wayward hubby to come home. Eventually Angus staggered up the path. His wife, in disguise, jumped out from behind the bushes, and cried out, "Angus! I'm the Devil! And I've come to warn ye ." "The Devil, you say?" Angus interrupted. "Then ye must come in and have a dram wi' me, kinsman. I do believe as I'm married to your sister!"

The two old Scots had imbibed overmuch. Saying his good-night, the one told the other: "John, man, when ye gang oot at the door, ye'll see twa cabs. Tak' the first yin - t'ither ane's no' there! "

Dr MacGregor checked over his patient and said with a puzzled frown, "I can't really tell what the trouble is. I think it must be due to drink." Willie said, understandingly, "Ach, that's all right doctor. I'll come back when you're sober."

"Alcohol is your trouble," said the sheriff to the drunk. "Alcohol alone is responsible for your present predicament." The drunk looked pleased as he said "Yer lairdship's maist kind. A'body else says it's ma ain fault!"

A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."

A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only twopence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied, "They're waiting for the Happy Hour".

A Scotsman had been presented with a bottle of fine old Scotch whisky which he placed in his overcoat pocket. On his way home he fell, and as he got up he felt a wet patch on his trousers. "Please, Lord," he prayed,"let that just be blood!"

Two Scotsmen bought a bottle of bootleg whisky for a pound and it was the vilest brew they had ever tasted. "I'll be very glad," said one to the other, "when we finish this bottle."

It had been a bitterly cold day on the Scottish golf course and the caddie was expecting a handsome tip from his weathy client. As they came to the clubhouse the caddie heard the magic words, "This is for a hot glass of whisky!" Holding out his hand, he was given a sugar cube.

Forecasters were puzzled recently when the entire population of Glasgow ran out onto the streets with glass in hand after an announcement that there was a nip in the air.

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on June 06, 2009, 02:11:01 PM
 ;D  good ones Stu!  Thanks and keep 'em coming.  ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on June 16, 2009, 06:41:27 AM
A Dying Scotsman...

On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is my wife here?"

His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."

The Scot goes: "Are my children here?"

"Yes, daddy, we are all here?" say the children.

The Scot: "Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say: "Yes, we are all here..."

The Scot gets up and says: "Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on June 18, 2009, 10:43:36 PM
Just like a penny pinching Scotsman..... ;D  Thanks for all the laughs Stu.  :D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on June 19, 2009, 06:57:04 AM
Not sure why this is supposed to be Scottish...

There's this drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot.

Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole.

Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.

Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task
.
"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."

"Who are you" shouts the drunk guy, "you don't scare me!"

"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"


Hmmmm... Maybe it's a curling rink?
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Forum_mgr on June 19, 2009, 07:15:33 AM
Good to have you back posting your jokes, Stirling!  We missed you.

F.M.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on June 23, 2009, 06:18:29 AM
Sandy had a bad day fishing on the river and caught nothing. On the way home, he called in at the fish shop.
" Just throw me a small salmon," he said.
" Why throw it ? " asked the clerk.
" So that I can tell my wife I caught it."
" Wouldn't you rather have a trout ? "
" Why would I rather have a trout ? "
" Well, when your wife came into the store earlier today, she said that's what she would prefer you to catch when you came in later."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on June 26, 2009, 08:12:28 AM
Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole.

Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond.

He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls. He then asks Angus for a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well.

This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says.”Rabby, these balls cost me a pretty penny!”

Rabby replies, “Och!, Angus if you cannee afford to play the game, ya should nee be oot here.”
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on June 29, 2009, 08:25:51 AM
GOLF, A COO & THE WIFE

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'

'Och, Ah was having a wee round of golf wi' ma wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced oor balls inta a coo pasture.' We went
ta look for em and while Ah was looking roond Ah noticed ane of the
coos had somethin white at its rear end.'

'Ah walked ooer, lifted ats tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball wi'

ma wife's monogram on at - stuck right in the middle of the coo's butt.'

Still holding the coo's tail up, Ah yelled to my wife, 'Och, this
looks like yoor's!'

'Ah don' remember much after tha...
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on June 30, 2009, 09:53:18 AM
An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop, the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this for my birthday".

His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother". So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father". Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad i have i have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and already I hate you bloody English!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on June 30, 2009, 10:10:35 PM
 ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D  Thanks for the laughs, Stu.  ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on July 23, 2009, 08:30:47 AM
Got to try and liven things up a bit around here...

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK.

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on July 23, 2009, 07:43:39 PM
Yep, you sure do liven things up  :D

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on July 28, 2009, 04:35:08 PM
A pregnant woman from Dundee gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma' am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Glasgow came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!'
She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?

'Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it!
What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 05, 2009, 05:41:44 AM
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on October 06, 2009, 12:54:29 AM
 :D   Hey Stu,   ;D
I'm so happy to have you back telling your jokes!   We sure did miss you!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 06, 2009, 09:54:55 AM
Young Sandy moved to the highlands and bought a horse from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed ta deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, "Sorry, laddie, but Ah have some bad news, The horse died."

Sandy replied, "Weel, then jist giv ma ma money back."

The farmer said, "Cannae do tha. Ah went and spent it already."

Sandy said, "Och, then, just bring ma the deid horse."

The farmer asked, "Wha ya gang do wit a deid horse?"

Sandy said, "Ah'm gang ta raffle 'im arf."

The farmer said, "Ya cannae raffle arf a deid horse!"

Sandy said, "Sure ah can. Watch ma. Ah jist won't tell anybody e's deid."

A month later, the farmer met up with Sandy and enquired,
"Wha happend wi tha deid horse?"

Sandy said, "Ah raffled 'im arf. Ah sold 500 tickets a twa pounds a Piece and made a net profit of £898.00."

The farmer said, "Did nae ane complain?"

Sandy said, "Jist the fella wha won. So Ah gav im his twa pounds back."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 15, 2009, 07:27:10 AM
GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.


So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.


A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '


'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'


A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'


'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .


The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'


Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...


In a quiet voice he said:
'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'


'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'





'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss.....
and it probably widnae be ane accident
either!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 02, 2009, 06:35:00 AM
Hurricane hits Glasgow

Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill district of Glasgow in the early
hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round
aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?" The hurricane
decimated the area causing approximately £9,000 worth of
improvements.. Several priceless collections of mementos from
Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically
important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police
state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were
particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the
hurricane struck.

Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank
Street , rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later
today. Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with
the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill .

One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said
"It gied me a pure fright so's it did... ma wee Chardonnay-
Mercedes came running intae ma bedroom greetin'. Ma youngest
two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade slept through it all.
Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching Trisha the next
morning, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said
"The noise wiz pure tremendous man... At first ah thoat it wiz
the young team coming oot of The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser " .

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of Cheese Toasties to the area to
help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching the
rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including
Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers... Residents in
neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless,
but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where they were.

A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take at least a
full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has
been a Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".

Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents
to refurbish their homes. The Government has pledged to ensure that
bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as
possible.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for
those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball
caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits
(female), white sport socks, (2 furra pounda!) Rockport boots or
Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required. Please
try to include - Microwave chips, Greggs Pies , Sugar Puffs, Tins
of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of
Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado ,
glue or hairspray. Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the
compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family
of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter.

*Breaking News*

Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble.
Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco - Pop. When
asked where she was bleeding from she replied " Craigmont Avenue ,
whit's it got to dae wi' you ya fudd?"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 04, 2009, 11:51:13 AM
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Tim Horton's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

 Over double-doubles the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Pantheon,' arching his eyebrows.
 
 The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.

 The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

 The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

 And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
 With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!

 The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on November 05, 2009, 04:28:16 PM
You're a hoot Stu!  ;D  Thank you for all the laughs.

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 17, 2009, 11:56:31 AM
Getting so hard to find jokes I haven't posted already that are fit to post in an open forum...


A large and very loud American goes into a pub in Glasgow.

"I hear tell all you Scatch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the other and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."

No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!

"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly. A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?"

"Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky. The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American. The American of course tries to do it as well, but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $500.

"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back in again."

"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the bills,

"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on December 02, 2009, 07:41:16 AM
In view of the forthcoming season I thought that I should pass on the advice received from Health and Safety and Equality in the workplace and that we should all bear it in mind as we approach the festivities:-.


Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs


The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:


Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around


The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
has a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load


The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Away in a Manger
No Crib for a bed


- Social services???????
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Thomas Thompson on December 04, 2009, 11:40:18 AM
Yikes.  Now I find out that our very own Stu is the Grinch out to steal all of our old Songs. ::)
Tom
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on December 17, 2009, 08:15:06 AM
This could be Scottish with the pipers and all...

On the Twelve Days of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me . . .

December 14, 2003

Christmas Present
Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2003

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2003

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2003

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2003

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2003

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2003

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2003

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 2003

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2003

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2003

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2003

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on December 21, 2009, 06:28:01 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on December 22, 2009, 09:31:45 AM
Summer will be back before we know it...

On The Beach

Wee Geordie was walkin doon tha beach, and as he did sae, he saw a matronly woman sittin unner a beach brolly on tha sand.

He walked up ta her and asked, "Dya gae to the kirk every week?"

"Aye." she replied.

"Dya pray aften?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Aye."

"Dya ken tha Ten Commandments?"

"Aye, Ah do." she answered, wi a wee smile.

"Dya keep em a?" Johnny asked.

She nodded her head, "Aye, Ah do." she said.

Wi tha he asked his final question, "Will ya hold ma money while Ah gae swimmin?"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on January 27, 2010, 12:59:39 AM
  ::)                   ::)                  ::)                  ::)                ::)              ::) 


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. As I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on February 14, 2010, 04:34:58 PM
Good one, Donna!  You're competing with Stu now~!

Hey, Stu! I FINALLY have a Scottish joke! (Thanks to Gail...)   :o

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that
he has a better education then any cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, "Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says,  "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says,  "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"                                                   

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huv te come to a complete stop, that's the law, Licence
and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you
my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

Smiling, the London Lawyer exits his vehicle.   

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating ten bells out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on February 21, 2010, 02:27:47 PM
Where's the competition when you post jokes I've already posted (you too Mary)? Nice try though! Keep trying!


WIFE: Wha wid ya do if ah deid? Wid ya git married agin?

HUSBAND: Och, nae likely!

WIFE: Why nae - don ya like beeng married?

HUSBAND: Aye, a course ah do.

WIFE: Thun wha wid ya nae remarry?

HUSBAND: Arright, Ah'd git married agin.

WIFE: Ya wid? (Wi a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Wid ya live in oor hoose?

HUSBAND: Aye, it's a grand hoose.

WIFE: Wid ya sleep wi her in oor bed?

HUSBAND: Aye. Where else wid we sleep?

WIFE: Wid ya let her drive ma car?

HUSBAND: Aye. Tis almoos new.

WIFE: Wid ya replace ma photies wi hers?

HUSBAND: Tha wid seem tha proper thang ta do.

WIFE: Wid she use ma golf clubs?

HUSBAND: Nae, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND: Ooh ma...

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on February 21, 2010, 10:38:18 PM
Heck, Stirling!  I thought I was the only one reading/posting on the forum anymore....so it didn't matter WHAT I put on!  :o

OK....let's try these!

A Scotsman was invited for a visit to the home of his Canadian friend.
Soon after the Scotsman arrived, he glanced out the window to see a huge beast just outside.
He pointed, and asked his Canadian friend, "Och, lad, what's that?"
The Canadian replied, "Oh, that's a moose."
The Scotsman stared in disbelief, and replied, "That's a moose?! Well, how big are yer cats around here?"


Q. Why are so many Scottish churches circular?
A. So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on March 02, 2010, 08:31:06 AM
Speaking of collections...

There was a collection going on. As the band played hymns, young girls went around collecting money. One came to an old Scot and asked, " Could you give a penny for the Lord ? "
The Scot said, " How old are you ? "
" Sixteen, " she replied.
" Well, I'm ninety. " the old Scot replied, " And as I'll be seeing him before you, I'll hand it to him myself."

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on March 03, 2010, 12:25:14 PM
Tough times all over...

Fed up with hunting for work in Glesca, Tam went to Edinburgh to look for a job.
At the end of the second week, he was running out of money and hadn't eaten for three days. Desperate with the thought of going back to home without work, he decided to head up to Edinburgh Zoo and commit suicide by jumping into the polar bear enclosure.
But just as he was saying the Last Rites to himself, one of the zookeepers rushed up to him and said: "Hey you, do you want a job?'
'Thank God,' said Tam. 'My prayers have been answered.'
'Well,' said the zookeeper, 'it's like this. Clive, our prize gorilla, has just snuffed it, and with the waiting list for gorillas these days we won't get another one until Christmas the year after next.'
'So where do I fit in?' asked Tam.
'We have an old gorilla skin lying in the store. If you put it on, no one will know the difference.'
'And what's the pay like?'
'£100 a week.'
I'll take it,' said Tam.
Well, so glad was he to get the job that he launched into it with terrific gusto, and after a few days his acrobatics on the branches had made the gorilla enclosure the most popular part of die zoo.
Inspired by the applause, Tam grabbed the top bar of the cage, did a terrific somersault and went sailing right over the top into the middle of the lions den.
'Dear God,' said Tam 'I'm going to be eaten alive.'
'If you'd just shut up for a minute,' said one of the lions, 'we just might all keep our jobs.'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thompson's oldest on March 05, 2010, 03:59:54 PM
......................The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating ten bells out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
 

This one is my favorite....... all I need to hear is the punch line and the laughter begins again.

Sherry :D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Pamela K. Thompson on March 06, 2010, 12:40:47 AM
Good one Stu. I have to tell this one at work!   Karma
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on March 24, 2010, 07:30:45 AM
Ladies be warned! It happened in Glasgow... it could happen here!

Please Please Please - make yourself aware of where this is happening AND tell your friends!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Morrisons for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking, young men with foreign accents come over to your car and help pack your shopping into the boot. They then both start cleaning your windscreen. Their firm young bodies bulging out of their skimpy vest tops. It's impossible not to look!

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco's . You agree and they both get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting himself against you, while the other one steals your purse!

I had my purse stolen Nov 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also Dec 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!!!

P.S. Lidl have purses on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look nicer.


Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on May 25, 2010, 06:38:53 PM
Q. Who invented the copper wire?
A. Two Scots fighting over a penny.

Forum kinda dead.....how come MY name is the last in so many categories???  :-\
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thompson's oldest on May 26, 2010, 01:47:34 PM
 ;D oh, I do like that one!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: John ThomsonHollingsworth on June 14, 2010, 12:18:50 PM
I'm on the email list for electric scotland and have been for years
this wee story has in this week's issue

Ale Imitation

When the chairman of Goodyear was visiting the company's then tyre company in Glasgow,
it was decided to take him for a haggis dinner, which would be piped in, and then the chairman and the piper would be given a glass of whisky to toast the haggis.

The American PR executive who came with the chairman quickly pointed out that his man was teetotal and must only be given ginger ale.

So he watched anxiously as the toasts went ahead and then told the hotel manager: "Thank God that went off OK - think of the awful consequences if the drinks had got mixed up,
and the chairman had got the whisky!"

"That's nothing," replied the manager.

"You couldn't imagine the consequences if the piper had got the ginger ale."


http://www.electricscotland.com/



http://www.scotchat.org/


Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on June 16, 2010, 07:28:09 AM
Sounds like a "truism"!!! 

Joke: Q. Why do pipers march when they play?
        A. Because a moving target is harder to hit.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: John ThomsonHollingsworth on July 21, 2010, 01:44:08 PM
SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE.
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: John ThomsonHollingsworth on August 23, 2010, 08:38:54 PM
This is not really a Scottish joke but is from a blog Jokes by Jim
His funny comments are based on a true news story


Scottish scientists have developed a whiskey biofuel. Of course, in Scotland, whiskey pretty much is biofuel.

Scottish scientists have developed a whiskey biofuel. When you go to fill up, the pumps are labeled “Single Malt”, “Blended” and “12 year old”.

Scottish scientists have developed a whiskey biofuel. The only problem is every time you get pulled over the cop smells alcohol and makes you take the sobriety test.

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thompson's oldest on August 24, 2010, 07:02:21 AM
What's under your kilt?

My shoes and socks............. ::)


Best I can do for a Tuesday.
Sherry
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: John ThomsonHollingsworth on August 29, 2010, 01:22:59 PM
How Scottish Tartans got started?


[attachment deleted by admin]
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thompson's oldest on August 30, 2010, 11:25:33 AM
So, John who's tartan is that?  :D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Parker Thomson on August 31, 2010, 09:25:01 AM
I don't know if this is a joke, but it's a story about one of the conversations between me and my grandfather, whose family is from Fenwick in Argyll.  He wanted to tell us a little story about the Scottish side of the family through my grandmother's lineage

 My Grandfather sat us down when I was 14 and my younger brother was 7.  He said, " Lads, it's time to tell you about your Grandmother's side of the family - the clan Davidson." I think he had already had a couple of single malt scotches before dinner and a wee bit of Drambuie afterwards. He proceeded to tell us about the great battle and Perth, Scotland on the river Tay. Twelve Davidsons had challenged one from each of twelve clans to a battle to the death for rights to the surrounding land.  The Davidsons and the twelve other clan warriors fought until sundown. At the end of the day, there was one Davidson and three of the other clan warriors left. The Davidson threw down his sword, jumped into the river Tay and swam to the other side in the safety of the night.  So my Grandfather looks at us young lads soaking in the roots of our Scottish heritage and he says, "I'm sorry lads.... but you are descended from cowards."   He saw the dejection on our downcast faces and quickly finished, "Aye lads, BUT you are descended!"

My brother and I both wear the kilt to this day.

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thompson's oldest on September 02, 2010, 12:06:01 PM
Parker,
Gotta love your Grandfather!
........................and quickly finished, "Aye lads, BUT you are descended!"

Perfect ending.

Sherry
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 08, 2010, 11:42:59 AM
Celtic vs Rangers...

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast near aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the scum hun from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to
the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and secterianism,bigotry and evil people trying to divide
the glorious Celtic and Rangers, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of cultural harmony and could serve as a model on which other peoples could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nil about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?".
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: John ThomsonHollingsworth on September 09, 2010, 01:57:53 AM
A great one Stu
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thompson's oldest on September 09, 2010, 09:15:06 AM
Ah, the honesty of the Scots:


After thirty years of dating, at last, one beautiful evening on the Isle of Skye, Jean thought it was time to ask the question.

"Sandy," she breathed, "is it not about time we were getting married ?"

After a heavy silence. Sandy sighed.

"Yes, Jean, it is."

A hopeful gleam spread over Jean.

"Yes, Jean, it is. But who would have us ?"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 10, 2010, 10:30:22 AM
A Scot who had emigrated and spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend back in Scotland. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle - Whooee da Whoee! - but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit - but, only a glancing blow - and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's cottage attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thompson's oldest on September 10, 2010, 12:16:36 PM
Stu,
 Man, I'm sitting here at my desk trying to laugh quietly. I am not successful, you have me snorting with laughter.
Great way to end the work week!
Thanks.
Sherry ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 14, 2010, 11:38:53 AM
A young woman returning to Edinburgh on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on October 09, 2010, 07:14:04 PM
Scottish Humour from Rampant Scotland

- Lachlan's Laws

    That great Highland philosopher, Lachlan McLachlan, propounded a number of irrefutable laws of life, the universe and everything. His greatest observations were made at the bar of the Auchentiddlum Arms, usually after consuming copious quantities of Buckfast Tonic Wine. Below is a selection of some of his greatest insights, recorded by his great admirer Jimmy Boswell.

        Lachlan's Laws

            * "Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about."

            * "A closed mouth gathers no feet."

            * "The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act."

            * "The most common cause of hearing loss amongst men is a wife saying she wants to talk to him."

            * Lachlan's Theorem of the Bath - "When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone invariably rings."

            * "The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first."

            * "He who laughs last, thinks slowest."

            * "Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."

            * "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer."

            * "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people look bright until you hear them speak."

            * "The man who thinks he knows it all, is a pain in the neck to those of us who really do."

            * "The reason we Scots fight so often among ourselves is that we're always assured of having a worthy opponent."

            * "When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 15 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty." (Note that there are 15 jurors in Scotland, not 12).

            * "When women see the first strand of grey hair they think they are going to dye..."

            * "The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug."

            * "All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterwards that causes all the problems."

            * "Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."

            * "At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and during a critical time in the show."

            * "By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."

            * "Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you."

            * "Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground."

            * "Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again."

            * "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."

            * "In slow moving traffic, if you move to another lane because it is moving faster, it always slows down and the lane you were in speeds up."

            * "Wisdom comes with age - but sometimes age comes alone."

            * "Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right - and the other person is a husband..."

            * "Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."

            * "Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside."

            * "Don't worry about what people think - they don't do it very often."

            * "Someone who thinks logically makes a nice contrast to the real world."

            * "You know when you're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before."

            * "The only way to keep healthy is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." (Although Mark Twain may have said it first).

            * "The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow."

            * "A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."

            * "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

            * "Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away - and you have their shoes..."

            * "After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead."

            * "There is no vaccine against stupidity!"

            * "A man with no sense of humour probably doesn't have any sense at all."

            * "Think about this ... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning."

            * "Never test the depth of the water with both feet."

            * "Women who think they are the equal of men lack ambition."

            * "Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."

            * "If at first you don't succeed - skydiving is not for you."

            * "No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes."

            * "Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

            * "A woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."

            * "The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he's too old for it."

            * "To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all."

            * "Any married man can forget his past mistakes - there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on October 13, 2010, 08:01:39 AM
OK..............you guys and your jokes!  Can't BELIEVE they (and you!) keep getting BETTER!!! ;D

Now, for the love of God.......as I had surgery last week and rollicking laughter just about KILLS me.....can you find some less-funny ones for a week?  ;) ;D

Love them....never, never stop! Honest!

Mary
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thompson's oldest on October 17, 2010, 09:44:04 AM
Don't know if this one has been on here before but I found it hilarious and just had to share.

So,

A man moves from Scotland to the US and attends his first baseball game. After a base hit he watches as the fans stand and roar, "Run! Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run, yah bloody bahstard. R-r-run!"

A third batter cracks a hard liner and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "RRRun, yah bloody bahstard, rrrrun, why don't yah???"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the umpire calls, "Take your base." the Scotsman stands up yelling,  "R-r-run, yah bahstard. r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly so he sits down, very much confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his emabarrasment, whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and shouts, "Wahlk with prrrride, man. Wahlk with prrrrride!"


This one never gets old. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: John ThomsonHollingsworth on October 28, 2010, 08:29:35 PM
a joke from this weeks Electric Scotland newsletter

http://www.electricscotland.org/showthread.php/863-Newsletter-October-29th-2010


Choose Your Medic-care Carefully!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics, with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking, and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor, after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled, for a month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!


Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on October 30, 2010, 11:47:30 AM
Only three weeks  now.............just wait!

How are you guys doin???
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 02, 2010, 12:19:49 PM
Farmer Whitshisname slaughtered a goat and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.

He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Whitshisname, did you ever find out who stole your goat?"

"Nope," said Whitshisname. "Not until just now."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on November 11, 2010, 07:01:28 PM
LOL!  Stu, that just goes to show how canny a Scotsman is.   ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 20, 2010, 10:50:13 AM
Just after midnight, a drunk man is stopped on the street by two Glasgow policemen.

The policemen ask where he is going at that time of the night.

“I’m off to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body !” the drunk replied.

One officer then asked. “Really ? And who is going to be giving such a lecture at this time of the night ?”

“My bloody wife, of course !” came the reply.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thom(p)son's youngest on November 22, 2010, 12:05:29 PM
What do you call 2 scotsmen hanging from a washing line?
A pair of tights.

 ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thom(p)son's youngest on November 22, 2010, 01:14:28 PM
Why is a Scottish boy with a cold like a soldier with seven days' leave.
Because they both have a wee cough (week off).

 ???
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 24, 2010, 01:16:30 PM
Ah! Competition!

A Glasgow man was at his barbers getting his hair cut before a trip to Rome with his wife. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Air Italia," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Air Italia?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, what you doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber, "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for a haircut. The barber asked him about the Rome trip.

"It was wonderful!" exclaimed the man, "Not only were we on time in one of Air Italia's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a gorgeous 20-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

Well," muttered the barber, "that's all well and good, but I just know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get that bloody awful haircut?"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thom(p)son's youngest on December 01, 2010, 03:26:41 PM
TEN SCOTTISH PROVERBS

1)No matter how much you applaud a jukebox, you have put another quarter in for an encore.

2)A little bit of disagreement keeps the talk long.

Too much agreement kills a conversation.

3)He who marries a chicken soon gets henpecked.

4)Man proposes, God disposes.

5)Better be the lucky man than the lucky man's son.

6)Hang a thief when he's young, an he'll no steal when he's auld.

7)Him that's born to be hanged will never be drowned.

8)She spend's money like a woman with no hands!!! .

9)Like the wife's tongue, often better meant than timed.

10)Marriages are all happy, it's having breakfast together that causes most of the trouble.

TEN SCOTTISH JOKES
and ten of my favorite Scottish jokes.

1)Tourist: " I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip."

Highland Waiter: " Let me add up that bill again sir."

2)Sandy became depressed and decided to end it all by hanging himself. However, his friend Donald came along in the nick of time, cut the rope and saved his life. Sandy, true to form, sent Donald a bill for the cost of the rope.

3)Donald: " Have you ever seen one of those new machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie ? " Sandy: " Seen one ? I married one ! "

4)Tony Blair visits the hospital

Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward?

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

5)Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

6)Filming in Scotland can be a difficult task given the ever-changing patterns of weather - as the old saying goes - want to experience four seasons? Come to Scotland on a day trip!

A film crew were filming in the highlands when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by

"Tommorow rain." he informed them and hobbled on

Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past.

"Tomorrow sunshine." he let them know, and it was indeed a fine sunny day the next day,

The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be.

But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy

"Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up."

"Radio broken." the old man replied.

7)Big Shuggie is on holiday and is stuck at the airport, and proceeds to get very drunk.

After about his tenth big swig at his bottle a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor.

Big Shuggie is furious, he grabs the wee fellah demanding recompense and drags him out of the building.

Next thing he returns with bruises all over his face.

Behind him is the Japanese man who is smiling.

"It is just a small Japanese thing," he explained to the crowd of waiting passengers, who were astonished, "We call it aikido."

But despite having been overwhelmed and tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie's ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to 'go ootside'

They do and within a couple of minutes Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him

"It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains once more to the impressed crowd, "We call it karate."

As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and 'batter him wan'

Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside.

A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hear a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion,

"It wiz just a small Japanese thing," he explains to them, "The bumper aff a Toyota!"

8)A teacher is asking the children in class about their ambitions in life and to tell the class in a rhyme..The class favourite puts up his hand, Miss,

"My name is Dan,and when I'm a man,I would like to go to China and Japan".. "Very good Dan" comments the teacher. "Miss" cries out the class beauty,"My name is Mary Grady,When I become a lady,I would like to have a baby,Maybe".. Very good Mary..anyone else? The wee Govan Terror at the back of the class stands up "Haw Miss,My name is also Dan, bugger China and Japan,If Mary Grady wants a baby......Dan's yir bliddy man!!!


9)Wee Shuggie is in a terrible state and goes to see a private therapist, too terrified to go to a doctor in case they declare him mad!

"So how can I help?" asks the therapist

"It's like this, Ah've started getting these fears at night, and they are getting worse! I keep thinking somebody is under the bed, so I go down under it to look and no-one's there, immediately, my brain tells me there's somebody on top of it and this goes on all night - under - top - under - top. It's driving me mental!"

The therapist thinks for a bit and says, "I am positive I can cure you of this."

"Oh great!" says Wee Shuggie

"Now, I want you to come and see me twice a week for the next six months for a two hour session each time." says the therapist making some notes

"And how much will that be?" asks wee Shuggie

"£60 per session" the therapist informs him

Shuggie leaves, troubled at the thought of all that money and goes for a consoling drink at his local.

The therapist never sees wee Shuggie again, until one day months later he bumps into him in the street. He is surprised to see him look so well, not the sleep-deprived maniac he had last seen

"Why did you never come back?" he asks Shug

"At £60 a pop, twice a week for six months? You must be kidding! The barman at the local cured me for a tenner!"

"How on earth did he do that?"

"He told me to buy a saw and cut the legs off the bed!"

10)A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!! .

 ::)
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Thomas Thompson on December 04, 2010, 12:07:38 PM
Keep it up.
  You have added light to this gloomy day.
Tom
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on December 07, 2010, 10:29:45 PM
AMEN........not to mention COLD days!  Can you believe it's been 16 degrees and only hovering around 30 in TENNESSEE!!!  We don't usually get this cold until sometime late January/February!  Maybe we'll have a white Christmas!!!

Keep the jokes coming Stu -  whenever I get "down" I come here and read (and re-read) them! May you never run out of them!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: John ThomsonHollingsworth on January 09, 2011, 12:06:18 PM
http://www.electricscotland.org/showthread.php/1230-Newsletter-7th-January-2011

A group of architectural students from Glasgow who were on a field trip to York where they stayed in the local university’s halls of residence.
Invited to a university dinner while there, one student was perhaps overawed when he was asked at dinner by an academic further up the table:
“Which course are you on?”

His startled reply of “the soup” will haunt him for some time.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: John ThomsonHollingsworth on March 04, 2011, 05:21:36 AM
This is from Electric Scotland blog

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland .

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE...

NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL
WASH YOUR HANDS
AND GO OUTSIDE
AND TEE OFF.

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on May 04, 2011, 07:13:10 PM
Somehow, I missed your last joke until tonight, John! Now, I have one to contribute too (hope it hasn't already been posted and I missed it too..?)

THE IRISH PRIEST

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas;  Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning; it was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front  lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you ?''

''And the best of the day te yerself ... This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn ".

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a  smirk :

''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the  last rites !''

There was dead silence on the line for a moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of  kin !''

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on May 05, 2011, 09:51:18 PM
Hey Mary,  :-*

That's a good one !!!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thompson's oldest on May 21, 2011, 01:48:20 PM
Och Aye!
Mary that last joke is "snort" worthy!
I'm still laughing.................... :D
Sherry
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on June 13, 2011, 12:24:51 PM
In a small town in the Borders there is a large factory that will only recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.

Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?'

'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on June 18, 2011, 07:37:46 AM
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches just 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...


'You missed the putt, didn't you?'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thompson's oldest on June 18, 2011, 08:23:47 AM
 ;D
Hilarious Stu. You find the best jokes!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Parker Thomson on June 19, 2011, 04:32:30 PM
Ha, ha.  I'm going to use this one!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on June 23, 2011, 09:14:47 AM
a few wee uns...

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
"Can ye come and get me? I think ma water has broken".
"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?".
"Frae ma knickers tae ma feet!".


After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing a kilt at the ceremony.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress".


A Glasgow man, steaming and skint, is walking down Argyle Street,
when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.
"Whit's up Jimmy?" he asks.
"Piston broke," he replies.
"Aye, same as masel!".
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on July 07, 2011, 04:13:34 PM
A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,

you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow

and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.


Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 ..'

'Bloody 'ell,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on July 13, 2011, 10:49:39 AM
Poor auld Glesga has sich a turrible reputation...

Glasgow Banter:

Q. If you see a Glaswegian on a bicycle,why should you never swerve to
hit him?
A. It's probably your bicycle

Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a suit?
A. The accused

Q. Why does the River Clyde run through Glasgow?
A. Because if it walked it would be mugged

Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a three-bedroom semi?
A. A burglar

Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow?
A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

Q. What do you say to a Glaswegian in a uniform?
A. Big Mac & Fries, please

Q. What's the first question at a Glasgow pub quiz?
A. What are you looking at?
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on August 01, 2011, 01:07:23 PM
Liked the Glaswegian joke --- my problem is understanding them when I can't SEE them! But I love 'em all :)

OK, so this is an Irish joke, but I liked it anyway and it was canny enough to have been a Scot!

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

 
       An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

    With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES!    I WON, I WON!'

    She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

    The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

    MORAL OF THE STORY -
    Not all Irish are drunks,
    Not all blondes are dumb,
    But men...are men.
 ::)
Title: The Funeral
Post by: Mary on October 25, 2011, 08:43:56 AM
The Scottish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
 
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:  "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
 
"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

"Can I borrow the dog?"

           WAIT FOR IT!



The man replied, "Get in line."
 
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 26, 2011, 11:46:38 AM
A barrister boarded an aeroplane in London with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a barrister, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in Edinburgh, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the barrister who gave me the crabs in London, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
-Barristers aren't as smart as they think they are.
-Blonds aren't as dumb as most folk think!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Thomas Thompson on November 14, 2011, 04:37:47 PM


At the wedding reception someone yelled.

"Would all the married men,  please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
 
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on November 14, 2011, 06:55:40 PM
Age Becomes You
While passing through a Highland village, two middle-aged ladies stopped at a local hotel for a bite to eat. Sitting on a wall outside was a little, wizened old man, smoking a pipe. Before leaving, the ladies stopped to speak to him. One of the ladies commented on how cheery he was and asked for his secret for a long happy life. Taking his pipe from his mouth, the man replied: "I smoke 60 cigarettes plus an ounce of tobacco every day, I drink a case of whisky a week, I take no exercise and I eat fatty foods." The ladies were surprised at the answer and one then asked how old he was. Once again removing his pipe, the little wizened man looked up and said "Thirty-six."
                                -------------------------------------------
Mark Up
Donald was a successful cattle farmer in Angus and one evening he took his wife to Dundee for a meal at a "posh" restaurant. When he got the (large) bill at the end, he remarked to his wife: "I've done a quick calculation and based on the price of those steaks we ate, I've got cows back on the farm that must make us millionaires..."

Barbara  ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on January 20, 2012, 10:16:42 AM
Kinda slow around here lately so here's one I couldn't resist!

Glesga birth control!

For those of you who cannot speak the language.......tough!!

After having their 11th child (Chelsey Paris Britney
McGuffy), a Glasgow couple decided that was enough because
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want
to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the
doctor, 'is to go home, get a firework, put it in an
empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 10..
The husband said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the
sharpest chisel in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a
firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no
tae huv ony mair weans.'
Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the couple went home, the husband lit a banger and put
it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count: '1' '2' '3' '4''5' ..... at which point he paused, placed the beer
can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS and has proved to be successful in Govan, Clydebank, Paisley , and some parts of Livingston, Coatbridge and Bathgate
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thompson's oldest on January 24, 2012, 11:14:39 AM
Ah Stu!
Another fine joke that is snort worthy. That's me in the background snorting! Keep 'em coming!  ;D
Sherry
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on January 28, 2012, 05:00:33 PM
First day of School!

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?

"No," said the little boy.............
"It's a puppy!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on February 17, 2012, 11:16:33 AM
A Welchman, an Irishman, an Englishman and a Glaswegian...

Giez a joab

The Jennifer, chairwoman of a well known chain of stores, had the task of hiring someone to fill the vacancy of Chief Executive. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people equally qualified. She then called the four in and asked them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, she asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The Welshman replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?', she asked the Irish man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'

She then turned to the English man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.

'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said. Turning to Wee Jimmy, who was looking very pensive and forlorn, in the corner, Jennifer posed the same question.

Jimmy replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said Jimmy. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t myself..'

Wee Jimmy became Chief Executive of Tesco's!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on March 02, 2012, 09:22:45 AM
The Arab and the Scotsman


An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood,
it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the nation.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW,
diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".__
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on March 15, 2012, 01:27:57 PM
Its been awfully quiet on the board lately, maybe this will wake some people up!

A bad day all around...

A man thinks his wife is having an affair, so he decides to come home in the afternoon to see if anything is going on. When he gets in his wife is in bed alone, she says she had a headache so decided to have a lie down. Not believing her he begins to search the flat, going on to the balcony he spots finger tips clinging on. “I knew it”, he said, and ran over and stamped hard on the fingers. The man, loosing his grip, drops all the way down the 15 floors before his fall is miraculously saved by a shop awning. Seeing this, the husband grabbed the nearest heavy object, a large trunk, and pushed it over killing the man on the awning instantly.

When he realised what he had done, and how he had been betrayed, he jumped over the balcony to his death.

As the queue moved towards the pearly gates, St Peter asked the first man how he had died. Well, he said, I was working on a roof fixing some tiles when I lost my footing and slid off. By some lucky fate I was able to grab on to a balcony but before I could get up some idiot stood on my fingers. Then I landed in an awning and thought God was smiling on me until I was hit by a large falling trunk. St Peter ushered him inside.

The second man explained he had found his wife’s lover, killed him in a rage and then had taken his own life. St Peter took pity and also allowed him in.

The third man said, well I was hiding in this trunk…………………….
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Parker Thomson on June 13, 2013, 06:04:59 AM
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.''
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 10, 2013, 10:34:33 AM
Don't know if these were posted before...

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for 5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be 10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: cheryllwith2ls on October 12, 2013, 10:00:07 AM
Good ones!!!   :D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on October 14, 2013, 08:07:15 AM
I love the exploits of Jock!

Thanks for the new jokes, Stu!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 16, 2013, 10:04:24 AM
Jock is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when
his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

Whit wis that fur?' he cries.

'That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the
name Mary-Rose written oan it,' said she.

Don't be daft,' he explains, 'two weeks ago when I went to the
races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.'

She seemed satisfied and apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when
she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around,he says, 'whit the hell wis that fur?'

'Your horse phoned!' she said.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on October 16, 2013, 09:44:35 PM
 ;D  hahahahahahaha  :D

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: cheryllwith2ls on October 17, 2013, 09:39:27 AM
Bad Jock....  ::)
Title: Not quite Scottish........but...After Quasimodo's death ........ what happened?
Post by: Mary on October 20, 2013, 07:44:10 AM
After Quasimodo's death ........ what happened next?
 

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
 
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
 
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
 
The bishop was incredulous.
 
'You have no arms!'
 
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!'
 
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
 
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
 
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only a moment before.
 
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man ?'.
 
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
 

( scroll down )
V
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
.................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'
 

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more...
 

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
 
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
 
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
 
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
 
'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
 
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'
 

(. . . Wait for it ....)
 
V


V

(.. . . It's worth it.. ....)
 
V
 

V
 

V
 

V
 

.."HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Ernestt481 on October 20, 2013, 05:19:15 PM
That's the sickest yoke I've heard for a long time. I hope you've got more.
Ern
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 21, 2013, 11:33:21 AM
"Heaven seems vera little improvement on Glesca" a Glasgow man is said to have murmured after his death to a friend who had predeceased him. "Laddie, this is nae Heaven," the other replied.

*******

Jimmy was walking across the suspension bridge on the Clyde when he saw a man about to jump into the water. Jimmy tried to stop him by suggesting he should think of his family. "I dinna have a family" was the response. "Well, think about Rangers" but the man was not a Rangers supporter. "Well think about Celtic then." But he was not a Celtic supporter either. "Och in that case," said Jimmy, "Jump, ye atheist."

*******

The only plumber in Glasgow to charge reasonable fees died and was sent to Hell by mistake. Eventually it was realised in Heaven that there was an honest Glaswegian plumber in the wrong place so Saint Peter telephoned (on the hot line) to Satan.
"Have you got an honest plumber there?"
"Yes."
"He's ours, so can you send him up?"
"You can't have him!"
"Why not?"
"Because he's the only one who understands air conditioning. It's really cool down here now."
"Send him up at once," shouted Saint Peter, "or we'll sue."
"You'll sue?" laughed the voice at the other end. "And where will you get hold of a lawyer in Heaven?"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on October 21, 2013, 08:39:36 PM
Too True, too true.......poor plumber!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 23, 2013, 11:11:06 AM
Little Sandy was in the habit of sucking his thumb all the time. His mother tried everything to break him of the habit. Finally, one day she pointed to a fat man with a very large stomach and said that the man had grown his stomach because he did not stop sucking his thumb.

The next day the child was with his mother in a supermarket, and he kept staring at a woman with a stomach that was obviously not normal. In fact the woman was very pregnant.

Finally the irate woman said to the child, " Stop staring at me like that. You don't know who I am."

" No, " said the boy, " but I do know what you have been doing."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 23, 2013, 11:19:07 AM
Big Shuggie and Wee Shuggie!

Big Shuggie is on holiday and is stuck at the airport, and proceeds to get very drunk.After about his tenth big swig at his bottle a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor. Big Shuggie is furious, he grabs the wee fellah demanding recompense and drags him out of the building. Next thing he returns with bruises all over his face. Behind him is the Japanese man who is smiling. "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explained to the crowd of waiting passengers, who were astonished, "We call it aikido." But despite having been overwhelmed and tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie's ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to 'go ootside' They do and within a couple of minutes Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains once more to the impressed crowd, "We call it karate." As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and 'batter him wan' Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside. A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hear a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion, "It wiz just a small Japanese thing," he explains to them, "The bumper aff a Toyota!"

Wee Shuggie is in a terrible state and goes to see a private therapist, too terrified to go to a doctor in case they declare him mad! "So how can I help?" asks the therapist "It's like this, Ah've started getting these fears at night, and they are getting worse! I keep thinking somebody is under the bed, so I go down under it to look and no-one's there, immediately, my brain tells me there's somebody on top of it and this goes on all night - under - top - under - top. It's driving me mental!" The therapist thinks for a bit and says, "I am positive I can cure you of this." "Oh great!" says Wee Shuggie "Now, I want you to come and see me twice a week for the next six months for a two hour session each time." says the therapist making some notes "And how much will that be?" asks wee Shuggie "60 per session" the therapist informs him Shuggie leaves, troubled at the thought of all that money and goes for a consoling drink at his local. The therapist never sees wee Shuggie again, until one day months later he bumps into him in the street. He is surprised to see him look so well, not the sleep-deprived maniac he had last seen "Why did you never come back?" he asks Shug "At 60 a pop, twice a week for six months? You must be kidding! The barman at the local cured me for a tenner!" "How on earth did he do that?" "He told me to buy a saw and cut the legs off the bed!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 30, 2013, 12:05:17 PM
I make no apologies...

Edinburgh house painter Smokey Macgregor was always interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

One year Canongate Church decided to do a big outside restoration job.

Smokey put in a bid for the painting part of the project and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

He erected scaffolding, set up planks and ladders, and bought many gallons of paint. And yes, I am sorry to say, even though it was for the kirk, he thinned the paint down with water.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the turf among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got to his knees and cried:

"Oh, Lord, Oh Lord, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunderous sky a mighty voice spoke. . .

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 30, 2013, 12:08:30 PM
It's tough to get old...

A recent study by a Scottish university claims that elderly people who drink whisky, beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density.

The report goes on to say that they need that extra bone density - they're the ones falling down the most.

********

Three Scotsmen, all in their 80s and each rather hard of hearing, were playing golf one fine but windy September day.

One remarked "Windy, isn't it?" The second Scot replied "No, it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday."

At that point the third man chimed in, "I'm thirsty too. Let's have a beer."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 23, 2013, 07:29:25 AM
If I have to explain this one... I swear I'll stop posting...

Big Shuggy and Wee Chic ur staggerin hame efter a night oan the tiles. They've nae money left tae get a taxi an aw the buses are finished. Wee Chic looks up fae the gutter an says 'Hey, look Shug - its the bus gairrige'. Shuggy hus a brainwave an says tae Chic, ' Get in ther an steal a bus so we can drive hame an Ah'll stay oot here an keep a look oot fur the polis'.

So Chic breaks intae the gairrige an is awey fur twinty minnites or mair while Shuggy is wunderin whit the hell hes up tae.
Then Shuggy sticks his heid aroon the door an sees Chic runnin aroon fae bus tae bus lookin right wurrit. 'Whit the hell ur ye up tae Chic, get a move oan!', tae which Chic replies, 'Ah canny find a nummer 7 onywhere Shuggy'.

Shuggy hauds his heid in his hauns in disbelief an shouts, ' Ye daft eejit Chic. Steal a nummer 9 an we'll get aff at the roondaboot an walk the rest'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on November 24, 2013, 09:13:05 AM
Don't you DARE quit posting!!!  I love the ones with "Scottish" flair in the writing! Thank goodness you don't print them in Gaelic ......THAT WOULD be beyond my poor brain! (But, I know where to go to find a translation!)   : ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on November 27, 2013, 12:25:18 PM
Looking over a farmyard wall the other day, I saw a huge pig with a wooden leg. Intrigued, I sought out the farmer and said "I have just seen your pig with a wooden leg, it must mean a lot to you to have gone to the lengths of fitting it with an artificial limb".

"Oh yes" said the farmer, "it's a special pig. A few months ago my son fell into the pond and that pig dived straight in and pulled him out with its teeth".

"Well" said I "that really is something".

"That's not all" said the farmer "a month ago the house caught fire and that pig grunted real loud to wake us up, barged the door down and ran upstairs. My daughter was unconscious from the smoke and he grabbed her nightdress with his teeth and dragged her out. Saved us all did that pig".

"That really is marvellous" I said.

"Oh there's more" said the farmer, "two weeks ago my herd of sheep got out and strayed onto the main road. That pig rushed out and rounded them up like a sheep dog, brought them home and saved the flock, it really is a superb pig".

"That really is amazing" I said "but why has it got a wooden leg"?

"Oh well", said the farmer "when you've a pig like that you can't eat it all at once, can you?"!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on December 13, 2013, 08:04:17 AM
There's a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman. They've got lost in a massive forest and are cold, hungry and thirsty. The Englishman finds a nuns convent and thinks great, a bed and some food. He knocks on the door and a nun invites him in, they are all very welcoming and give him food and drink. After that they sort him out with a room to use for the night. After being asleep for a few hours he wakes up to this hideously loud thumping noise that terrifies him. He finds a nun and asks her what this terrible noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun." At this the Englishman flees the convent. Later that night, the Scottish man comes across the convent and thinks "great!" The nuns welcome him in and give him food and drink. Later they give him a room to spend the night in. A few hours after being asleep, he wakes up to the hideous noise. He asks one of the nuns what it is, but the nun replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun". At this, he leaves the convent. Even later that night, the Irishman goes into the convent. He has food and drink, then goes to bed. During the night he wakes up to this frightening banging noise. He goes out in the corridor and asks a nun what the noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun!" At this he finds a store cupboard containing a nuns habit. He puts it on and finds a nun. He says to her "Hello, I'm sister Riley, the new nun, can you please tell me what that terrible noise is?" "I'll do better than that, I'll show you, follow me!" she says. She takes him up a corridor to two big oak doors, through the doors is a long winding staircase leading to two big iron doors. Through these doors there is a massive room with a hole in the floor and a ladder leading down the hole. They go down the ladder into another room and through another door. Then the nun says to him "This is where the noise is coming from!"
Guess what it was?......

I'm sorry, I can't tell you. You're not a nun!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Sis Thompson's oldest on December 21, 2013, 09:12:11 PM
Oh! Stirling, you dog!
You had me all the way.

Uhmmmm, what was that hideous noise.....just askin'....  ;)
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Mary on January 02, 2014, 05:37:15 PM
Och!  Those Scots!

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on January 28, 2014, 06:26:30 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D!!!
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on May 12, 2014, 01:27:32 PM
Been a while...



Sandy is in charge of handing out the contract to renovate the company's Edinburgh offices. So he invites the three leading contractors, one Welsh, one English and one Scot, that are all competing to win the renovation work, so he can ask some questions about the cost of the work.

First to arrive is Dafyd the Welshman, Sandy welcomes him and they move on to discussing business. "So" Sandy says "How much will it cost you to carry out the job Dafyd?"
Dafyd replies "I'll do you a very good deal indeed sir - the total cost will be 3000"
"And how did you come to that price?" Terry inquires.
"Simple" says Dafyd "1000 for materials, 1000 for the labour, and 1000 profit"
"Very good - I'll let you know"

Dafyd leaves, and then John the Englishman arrives. Sandy asks the same questions...
"How much?"
"6000 - for the renovation guv'nor. A fair price I think you'll find"
"And how did you get to that price?"
"It's not complicated squire... 2000 for the tools, 2000 for the labourers, and 2000 profit"
"Hmmmm, Okay..." says Sandy "I'll be in touch"

At the end of the day Angus arrives, Sandy welcomes him and they get straight to business...
"So.." Sandy says once again ..."How much will you charge the company to renovate the office?"
Angus boldly says "9000"
Sandy is so shocked and almost falls off his chair, once he gathers his breath he asks the Scotsman:
"9000?!!? How are you going to spend the very grand sum of 9000(!) on renovating our office?"

Angus smiles and with a glint in his eye he says...
"It's quite simple laddie.... 3000... for you.....3000 for me. And 3000 for the Welshman to do it!"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on May 13, 2014, 12:41:46 AM
 ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

Another good one, Stu !!    Keep 'em coming.

Donna
CA
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on May 17, 2014, 09:00:53 AM
I walked into a bar in Glasgow and this massive mental looking bloke came over to me. He had a Celtic FC tattoo across his forehead, he leaned into my face and growled " So what f..n team do you support then?"

"Celtic, obviously" I replied

His face went purple with rage and he roared "well I'm a Rangers fan and some of your mob did this to ma heed"

That's the last thing I remember...

--------

During a recent trip to Glasgow, I laid eyes on the most beautiful sight I ever saw in my life.

It was a sign that said "You are now leaving Glasgow."

--------

Only in Glasgow can someone strap a bomb to themself without significantly lowering their life expectancy.
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on May 25, 2014, 03:21:31 PM
Sounds like someone thinks very lowly of Glasgow.  ;D  ;D  ;D

Barbara
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 09, 2014, 05:53:59 AM
 While walking down the street in Edinburgh one day a Member of the Scottish Parliament is tragically hit by a bus and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
 
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems  there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around here, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.

"No problem, just let me in," says the MSP.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the  MSP.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They  run to greet him, shake his hand, and blether about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the Scottish people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is very friendly who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are  having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises. The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the MSP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have  a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The MSP reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down  to hell. Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and  putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder "I  don't understand," stammers the MSP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank  champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened?

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. ....Today you voted."

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 16, 2014, 06:11:06 AM
A weegie and a Scouser go into Greggs the bakers.
The Scouser nicks 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the weegie, "Did you see that? The staff never even saw me."
The weegie says, "That's nowt mate, watch this."
So the weegie goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gi'us a pie and I'll show you some magic," and eats the pie in front of him, and then does it twice more.
The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?"
The weegie says, "Go and check that Scouser's pocket."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: cheryllwith2ls on September 16, 2014, 04:41:29 PM
Good one!  :)

Hey Stu check this out....Too funny!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6vDzf-wSbk
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 27, 2014, 08:47:03 AM
One Christmas Eve, three Glesga Guys died and approached the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "OK, if you each can come up with something related to
Christmas I'll let you in."

The first Glesga Guy takes out his car keys, and shakes them. St. Peter
asks what that had to do with Christmas. He says that it
represented the Bells of Christmas. St Peter lets him in.

The second guy takes out his keys, but he has one of those little
lights on his chain, and turns it on. St. Peter asks what that had to do
with Christmas. He says that it represented the Star of Bethlehem.
St Peter lets him in.

The third Guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of
woman's panties, and St Peter asks him what that was all about.

He says: "They're Carols"
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on September 29, 2014, 08:38:15 AM
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.



The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae a big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Donna on September 30, 2014, 05:58:13 PM
 ;D  another good one, Stu !!

Donna
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 02, 2014, 09:25:55 AM
Baptising a Glaswegian


A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher....
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'




The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher,



'Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: MICHAEL the Canadian on October 05, 2014, 06:17:18 AM
super stu
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 08, 2014, 07:10:03 AM
This one's for Ern...

This boy is as quick as a flash!!!


A man in Sydney walked into the produce section of his local Woolworths supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"



Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Ernestt481 on October 08, 2014, 09:16:57 PM
Fact is stranger than fiction.
Thanks Stu
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on October 28, 2014, 06:37:52 AM
Dating in the 60s

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

Oh, come on in! Peggy Sues mother said as she welcomed Fred in. Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?

Iced tea, please, Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea. So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight? she asked.

Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...

Peggy likes to screw, you know, Mom informed him. Really? Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

Oh yes, the mother continued. When she goes out with her friends, thats all they do!

Is that so? asked Fred, incredulous. Yes, said the mother. As a matter of fact, shed screw all night if we let her!

Well, thanks for the tip! Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

Have fun, kids! the mother said as they left.


Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.


The Twist, Mom! she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. The bloody dance is called the Twist!

Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Barbara on November 23, 2014, 07:04:39 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Thomas Thompson on December 09, 2014, 02:14:57 PM
 




    A Scot and an Arab

   An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to build up a stock of his blood type for transfusion.

    As the gentleman had a rare type of blood and it couldn't be found locally, the call went out globally.

    Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

    After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW 5 series, a diamond encrusted Rolex and 50000.

    A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

    After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

    He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me fabulous gifts and loads of money, but you only gave me a     thank-you card and a box of Quality Street."

   To this the Arab replied:  "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

 i

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on March 12, 2015, 06:53:15 AM
Old Archie had served the Railway Company as Guard on the local railway for nearly fifty years, and when his time to retire arrived he found the parting a severe wrench. Hearing how keenly their old employee felt leaving the service, the Company arranged to present him with an old coach to keep at the bottom of his garden to serve as a daily reminder of his active days on the line.

One very wet day some of his friends called to see Archie and were informed by his wife that he would be 'on the train.' Going down the garden they found Archie sitting on the step of the carriage, smoking furiously at his pipe and with an old sack over his shoulders to protect him from the downpour.

'Hello, Archie,' his friends greeted him, 'why are ye no inside in a day like this?'

'Can ye no see?' replied Archie with a nod towards the windows, 'they only sent me a non-smoker.'
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on March 18, 2015, 07:11:29 AM
Arnold Brown - Sex with Sheep!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaMxOFacvuY&index=2&list=PL9F5B8CBF39654099
Title: Re: Scottish Jokes
Post by: Stirling Thompson on July 05, 2015, 10:36:17 AM
A Scottish Chemistry Teacher is doing an experiment for his class. He takes a pound coin out of his wallet, drops it in a beaker of acid and asks, "Now class, will this Pound coin be dissolved by the acid?"

One pupil puts his hand up. "No sir, it definitely will not!"

The teacher smiles, "That's right, lad - well done! Now, can you explain why?"

The boy smiles back, "Well, if the acid was going to dissolve your coin, you would have used a penny."