Author Topic: Scottish Jokes  (Read 250107 times)

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #285 on: February 17, 2012, 11:16:33 AM »
A Welchman, an Irishman, an Englishman and a Glaswegian...

Giez a joab

The Jennifer, chairwoman of a well known chain of stores, had the task of hiring someone to fill the vacancy of Chief Executive. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people equally qualified. She then called the four in and asked them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, she asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The Welshman replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?', she asked the Irish man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'

She then turned to the English man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.

'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said. Turning to Wee Jimmy, who was looking very pensive and forlorn, in the corner, Jennifer posed the same question.

Jimmy replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said Jimmy. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t myself..'

Wee Jimmy became Chief Executive of Tesco's!
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #286 on: March 02, 2012, 09:22:45 AM »
The Arab and the Scotsman


An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood,
it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the nation.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW,
diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".__
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #287 on: March 15, 2012, 01:27:57 PM »
Its been awfully quiet on the board lately, maybe this will wake some people up!

A bad day all around...

A man thinks his wife is having an affair, so he decides to come home in the afternoon to see if anything is going on. When he gets in his wife is in bed alone, she says she had a headache so decided to have a lie down. Not believing her he begins to search the flat, going on to the balcony he spots finger tips clinging on. “I knew it”, he said, and ran over and stamped hard on the fingers. The man, loosing his grip, drops all the way down the 15 floors before his fall is miraculously saved by a shop awning. Seeing this, the husband grabbed the nearest heavy object, a large trunk, and pushed it over killing the man on the awning instantly.

When he realised what he had done, and how he had been betrayed, he jumped over the balcony to his death.

As the queue moved towards the pearly gates, St Peter asked the first man how he had died. Well, he said, I was working on a roof fixing some tiles when I lost my footing and slid off. By some lucky fate I was able to grab on to a balcony but before I could get up some idiot stood on my fingers. Then I landed in an awning and thought God was smiling on me until I was hit by a large falling trunk. St Peter ushered him inside.

The second man explained he had found his wife’s lover, killed him in a rage and then had taken his own life. St Peter took pity and also allowed him in.

The third man said, well I was hiding in this trunk…………………….
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Parker Thomson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #288 on: June 13, 2013, 06:04:59 AM »
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.''
DENY US NOT

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #289 on: October 10, 2013, 10:34:33 AM »
Don't know if these were posted before...

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for 5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be 10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

cheryllwith2ls

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #290 on: October 12, 2013, 10:00:07 AM »
Good ones!!!   :D
The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or even heard. They must be felt with the heart. - Helen Keller

Mary

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #291 on: October 14, 2013, 08:07:15 AM »
I love the exploits of Jock!

Thanks for the new jokes, Stu!

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #292 on: October 16, 2013, 10:04:24 AM »
Jock is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when
his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

Whit wis that fur?' he cries.

'That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the
name Mary-Rose written oan it,' said she.

Don't be daft,' he explains, 'two weeks ago when I went to the
races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.'

She seemed satisfied and apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when
she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around,he says, 'whit the hell wis that fur?'

'Your horse phoned!' she said.
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Donna

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #293 on: October 16, 2013, 09:44:35 PM »
 ;D  hahahahahahaha  :D

Donna
ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY !

cheryllwith2ls

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #294 on: October 17, 2013, 09:39:27 AM »
Bad Jock....  ::)
The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or even heard. They must be felt with the heart. - Helen Keller

Mary

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Not quite Scottish........but...After Quasimodo's death ........ what happened?
« Reply #295 on: October 20, 2013, 07:44:10 AM »
After Quasimodo's death ........ what happened next?
 

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
 
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
 
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
 
The bishop was incredulous.
 
'You have no arms!'
 
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!'
 
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
 
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
 
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only a moment before.
 
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man ?'.
 
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
 

( scroll down )
V
 
V
 
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.................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'
 

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more...
 

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
 
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
 
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
 
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
 
'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
 
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'
 

(. . . Wait for it ....)
 
V


V

(.. . . It's worth it.. ....)
 
V
 

V
 

V
 

V
 

.."HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."

Ernestt481

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #296 on: October 20, 2013, 05:19:15 PM »
That's the sickest yoke I've heard for a long time. I hope you've got more.
Ern

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #297 on: October 21, 2013, 11:33:21 AM »
"Heaven seems vera little improvement on Glesca" a Glasgow man is said to have murmured after his death to a friend who had predeceased him. "Laddie, this is nae Heaven," the other replied.

*******

Jimmy was walking across the suspension bridge on the Clyde when he saw a man about to jump into the water. Jimmy tried to stop him by suggesting he should think of his family. "I dinna have a family" was the response. "Well, think about Rangers" but the man was not a Rangers supporter. "Well think about Celtic then." But he was not a Celtic supporter either. "Och in that case," said Jimmy, "Jump, ye atheist."

*******

The only plumber in Glasgow to charge reasonable fees died and was sent to Hell by mistake. Eventually it was realised in Heaven that there was an honest Glaswegian plumber in the wrong place so Saint Peter telephoned (on the hot line) to Satan.
"Have you got an honest plumber there?"
"Yes."
"He's ours, so can you send him up?"
"You can't have him!"
"Why not?"
"Because he's the only one who understands air conditioning. It's really cool down here now."
"Send him up at once," shouted Saint Peter, "or we'll sue."
"You'll sue?" laughed the voice at the other end. "And where will you get hold of a lawyer in Heaven?"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Mary

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #298 on: October 21, 2013, 08:39:36 PM »
Too True, too true.......poor plumber!

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #299 on: October 23, 2013, 11:11:06 AM »
Little Sandy was in the habit of sucking his thumb all the time. His mother tried everything to break him of the habit. Finally, one day she pointed to a fat man with a very large stomach and said that the man had grown his stomach because he did not stop sucking his thumb.

The next day the child was with his mother in a supermarket, and he kept staring at a woman with a stomach that was obviously not normal. In fact the woman was very pregnant.

Finally the irate woman said to the child, " Stop staring at me like that. You don't know who I am."

" No, " said the boy, " but I do know what you have been doing."
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu