Author Topic: Scottish Jokes  (Read 250267 times)

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #300 on: October 23, 2013, 11:19:07 AM »
Big Shuggie and Wee Shuggie!

Big Shuggie is on holiday and is stuck at the airport, and proceeds to get very drunk.After about his tenth big swig at his bottle a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor. Big Shuggie is furious, he grabs the wee fellah demanding recompense and drags him out of the building. Next thing he returns with bruises all over his face. Behind him is the Japanese man who is smiling. "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explained to the crowd of waiting passengers, who were astonished, "We call it aikido." But despite having been overwhelmed and tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie's ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to 'go ootside' They do and within a couple of minutes Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains once more to the impressed crowd, "We call it karate." As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and 'batter him wan' Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside. A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hear a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion, "It wiz just a small Japanese thing," he explains to them, "The bumper aff a Toyota!"

Wee Shuggie is in a terrible state and goes to see a private therapist, too terrified to go to a doctor in case they declare him mad! "So how can I help?" asks the therapist "It's like this, Ah've started getting these fears at night, and they are getting worse! I keep thinking somebody is under the bed, so I go down under it to look and no-one's there, immediately, my brain tells me there's somebody on top of it and this goes on all night - under - top - under - top. It's driving me mental!" The therapist thinks for a bit and says, "I am positive I can cure you of this." "Oh great!" says Wee Shuggie "Now, I want you to come and see me twice a week for the next six months for a two hour session each time." says the therapist making some notes "And how much will that be?" asks wee Shuggie "£60 per session" the therapist informs him Shuggie leaves, troubled at the thought of all that money and goes for a consoling drink at his local. The therapist never sees wee Shuggie again, until one day months later he bumps into him in the street. He is surprised to see him look so well, not the sleep-deprived maniac he had last seen "Why did you never come back?" he asks Shug "At £60 a pop, twice a week for six months? You must be kidding! The barman at the local cured me for a tenner!" "How on earth did he do that?" "He told me to buy a saw and cut the legs off the bed!"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #301 on: October 30, 2013, 12:05:17 PM »
I make no apologies...

Edinburgh house painter Smokey Macgregor was always interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

One year Canongate Church decided to do a big outside restoration job.

Smokey put in a bid for the painting part of the project and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

He erected scaffolding, set up planks and ladders, and bought many gallons of paint. And yes, I am sorry to say, even though it was for the kirk, he thinned the paint down with water.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the turf among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got to his knees and cried:

"Oh, Lord, Oh Lord, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunderous sky a mighty voice spoke. . .

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #302 on: October 30, 2013, 12:08:30 PM »
It's tough to get old...

A recent study by a Scottish university claims that elderly people who drink whisky, beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density.

The report goes on to say that they need that extra bone density - they're the ones falling down the most.

********

Three Scotsmen, all in their 80s and each rather hard of hearing, were playing golf one fine but windy September day.

One remarked "Windy, isn't it?" The second Scot replied "No, it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday."

At that point the third man chimed in, "I'm thirsty too. Let's have a beer."
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #303 on: November 23, 2013, 07:29:25 AM »
If I have to explain this one... I swear I'll stop posting...

Big Shuggy and Wee Chic ur staggerin hame efter a night oan the tiles. They've nae money left tae get a taxi an aw the buses are finished. Wee Chic looks up fae the gutter an says 'Hey, look Shug - its the bus gairrige'. Shuggy hus a brainwave an says tae Chic, ' Get in ther an steal a bus so we can drive hame an Ah'll stay oot here an keep a look oot fur the polis'.

So Chic breaks intae the gairrige an is awey fur twinty minnites or mair while Shuggy is wunderin whit the hell hes up tae.
Then Shuggy sticks his heid aroon the door an sees Chic runnin aroon fae bus tae bus lookin right wurrit. 'Whit the hell ur ye up tae Chic, get a move oan!', tae which Chic replies, 'Ah canny find a nummer 7 onywhere Shuggy'.

Shuggy hauds his heid in his hauns in disbelief an shouts, ' Ye daft eejit Chic. Steal a nummer 9 an we'll get aff at the roondaboot an walk the rest'
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Mary

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #304 on: November 24, 2013, 09:13:05 AM »
Don't you DARE quit posting!!!  I love the ones with "Scottish" flair in the writing! Thank goodness you don't print them in Gaelic ......THAT WOULD be beyond my poor brain! (But, I know where to go to find a translation!)   : ;D

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #305 on: November 27, 2013, 12:25:18 PM »
Looking over a farmyard wall the other day, I saw a huge pig with a wooden leg. Intrigued, I sought out the farmer and said "I have just seen your pig with a wooden leg, it must mean a lot to you to have gone to the lengths of fitting it with an artificial limb".

"Oh yes" said the farmer, "it's a special pig. A few months ago my son fell into the pond and that pig dived straight in and pulled him out with its teeth".

"Well" said I "that really is something".

"That's not all" said the farmer "a month ago the house caught fire and that pig grunted real loud to wake us up, barged the door down and ran upstairs. My daughter was unconscious from the smoke and he grabbed her nightdress with his teeth and dragged her out. Saved us all did that pig".

"That really is marvellous" I said.

"Oh there's more" said the farmer, "two weeks ago my herd of sheep got out and strayed onto the main road. That pig rushed out and rounded them up like a sheep dog, brought them home and saved the flock, it really is a superb pig".

"That really is amazing" I said "but why has it got a wooden leg"?

"Oh well", said the farmer "when you've a pig like that you can't eat it all at once, can you?"!
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #306 on: December 13, 2013, 08:04:17 AM »
There's a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman. They've got lost in a massive forest and are cold, hungry and thirsty. The Englishman finds a nuns convent and thinks great, a bed and some food. He knocks on the door and a nun invites him in, they are all very welcoming and give him food and drink. After that they sort him out with a room to use for the night. After being asleep for a few hours he wakes up to this hideously loud thumping noise that terrifies him. He finds a nun and asks her what this terrible noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun." At this the Englishman flees the convent. Later that night, the Scottish man comes across the convent and thinks "great!" The nuns welcome him in and give him food and drink. Later they give him a room to spend the night in. A few hours after being asleep, he wakes up to the hideous noise. He asks one of the nuns what it is, but the nun replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun". At this, he leaves the convent. Even later that night, the Irishman goes into the convent. He has food and drink, then goes to bed. During the night he wakes up to this frightening banging noise. He goes out in the corridor and asks a nun what the noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun!" At this he finds a store cupboard containing a nuns habit. He puts it on and finds a nun. He says to her "Hello, I'm sister Riley, the new nun, can you please tell me what that terrible noise is?" "I'll do better than that, I'll show you, follow me!" she says. She takes him up a corridor to two big oak doors, through the doors is a long winding staircase leading to two big iron doors. Through these doors there is a massive room with a hole in the floor and a ladder leading down the hole. They go down the ladder into another room and through another door. Then the nun says to him "This is where the noise is coming from!"
Guess what it was?......

I'm sorry, I can't tell you. You're not a nun!
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Sis Thompson's oldest

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #307 on: December 21, 2013, 09:12:11 PM »
Oh! Stirling, you dog!
You had me all the way.

Uhmmmm, what was that hideous noise.....just askin'....  ;)
The bad news? There is no key to the universe. The good news? It was never locked.

Mary

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #308 on: January 02, 2014, 05:37:15 PM »
Och!  Those Scots!


Barbara

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #309 on: January 28, 2014, 06:26:30 PM »
 ;D  ;D  ;D!!!
"Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #310 on: May 12, 2014, 01:27:32 PM »
Been a while...



Sandy is in charge of handing out the contract to renovate the company's Edinburgh offices. So he invites the three leading contractors, one Welsh, one English and one Scot, that are all competing to win the renovation work, so he can ask some questions about the cost of the work.

First to arrive is Dafyd the Welshman, Sandy welcomes him and they move on to discussing business. "So" Sandy says "How much will it cost you to carry out the job Dafyd?"
Dafyd replies "I'll do you a very good deal indeed sir - the total cost will be £3000"
"And how did you come to that price?" Terry inquires.
"Simple" says Dafyd "£1000 for materials, £1000 for the labour, and £1000 profit"
"Very good - I'll let you know"

Dafyd leaves, and then John the Englishman arrives. Sandy asks the same questions...
"How much?"
"£6000 - for the renovation guv'nor. A fair price I think you'll find"
"And how did you get to that price?"
"It's not complicated squire... £2000 for the tools, £2000 for the labourers, and £2000 profit"
"Hmmmm, Okay..." says Sandy "I'll be in touch"

At the end of the day Angus arrives, Sandy welcomes him and they get straight to business...
"So.." Sandy says once again ..."How much will you charge the company to renovate the office?"
Angus boldly says "£9000"
Sandy is so shocked and almost falls off his chair, once he gathers his breath he asks the Scotsman:
"£9000?!!? How are you going to spend the very grand sum of £9000(!) on renovating our office?"

Angus smiles and with a glint in his eye he says...
"It's quite simple laddie.... £3000... for you.....£3000 for me. And £3000 for the Welshman to do it!"
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Donna

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #311 on: May 13, 2014, 12:41:46 AM »
 ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

Another good one, Stu !!    Keep 'em coming.

Donna
CA
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Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #312 on: May 17, 2014, 09:00:53 AM »
I walked into a bar in Glasgow and this massive mental looking bloke came over to me. He had a Celtic FC tattoo across his forehead, he leaned into my face and growled " So what f..n team do you support then?"

"Celtic, obviously" I replied

His face went purple with rage and he roared "well I'm a Rangers fan and some of your mob did this to ma heed"

That's the last thing I remember...

--------

During a recent trip to Glasgow, I laid eyes on the most beautiful sight I ever saw in my life.

It was a sign that said "You are now leaving Glasgow."

--------

Only in Glasgow can someone strap a bomb to themself without significantly lowering their life expectancy.
Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu

Barbara

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #313 on: May 25, 2014, 03:21:31 PM »
Sounds like someone thinks very lowly of Glasgow.  ;D  ;D  ;D

Barbara
"Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain

Stirling Thompson

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Re: Scottish Jokes
« Reply #314 on: September 09, 2014, 05:53:59 AM »
 While walking down the street in Edinburgh one day a Member of the Scottish Parliament is tragically hit by a bus and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
 
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems  there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around here, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.

"No problem, just let me in," says the MSP.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the  MSP.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They  run to greet him, shake his hand, and blether about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the Scottish people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is very friendly who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are  having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises. The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the MSP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have  a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The MSP reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down  to hell. Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and  putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder "I  don't understand," stammers the MSP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank  champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened?

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. ....Today you voted."

Semper Fidelis! Semper Familia!
Stu