General Category > General Scottish
Scottish Jokes
Mary:
But....but.....what happened to the mittens????
Being a hand-spinner, weaver and knitter, I have made boiled mittens with and without the additional tufts of wool knitted to the inside that REALLY make them impervious............but I didn't do it quite that way. I AM glad to know there is someone else in the adult world who has had a bag of popcorn catch on fire in the microwave! Now I make it on the stove........
Donna:
The mittens are still in the pot, in the sink!
Donna + stove = fire
Mary, can you give me more detailed directions for the sash? I have already used most of the tartan fabric...not sure how much I still have.
Donna
Stirling Thompson:
Is this heaven?
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad woman standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, " Yes, please, I haven't eaten a bite of food for a week and I am very hungry !"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a basket of food. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
" Oh, yes ! That food has made me very thirsty and I would very much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad woman leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
" Oh, you beautiful woman, don't tell me you've got a golf course here too!"
Stirling Thompson:
I originally heard a variation of this as a blonde joke but I like this one too!
A Scottish shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Range Rover advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Hermes tie leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd...
'If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you let me have one?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers 'Aye!'
The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to mobile phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 30 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulae. Finally he prints out a 10 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says 'You have exactly 1586 sheep here!'
That's right said the shepherd, and as agreed, you can take one of the sheep.
He watches as the young man makes a selection and bundles it in his Range Rover.
Then he says 'If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?' 'OK - why not?' answers the young man. 'You are a consultant' says the shepherd. 'That's right' says the yuppie 'How did you guess?' 'Easy' answers the shepherd. 'You turn up here although nobody called you...you want to be paid for the answer to a question when I already knew the answer...and you don't know a damned thing about my business. That's obvious. Now give me back my dog.'
Stirling Thompson:
Link to the entire 24 page illustrated book "What's Under the Kilt?" Enjoy!
http://scotwebshops.com/underthekilt/
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