General Category > General Scottish
Scottish Jokes
Stirling Thompson:
I think they have these in Maine too!
An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about British churches so he bought a train ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way up the country from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read, "£ 20,000 per call!" The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and for £20,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman thanked the priest and went on his way.
His next stop was in Northampton. There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in London so he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £20,000 he could talk to God. "Thank you," said the Englishman. He then travelled to Coventry, Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Blackpool, Lancaster and Carlisle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£20,000 per call" sign under it.
The Englishman, upon realising how close he was to the Scottish border, decided to see if the Scots had the same phone. He crossed the border and came to a small town called Gretna, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read, "20 pence per call". The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I have travelled all over England and I have seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told it is a direct line to heaven, but in every one the price was £20,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "Well laddie, you're in Scotland now, it's a local call."
Stirling Thompson:
Almost a Scottish joke, but I just couldn't resist!
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep
any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a
fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared
and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand
to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells . . . . . .
"SUPPLIES!"
Graham Thompson:
Where do you find these jokes Stu there halarious. Im gonna try that fruit cake recipe, ill tell you how it goes.
Donna:
I have a sister in Auburn Maine! I'll ask her to find me one of those Fluffy Bowls. Maybe Graham and I can have a "Bake off".
Donna
Stirling Thompson:
French in Scotland
One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard.
He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.
Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty.
The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk.
After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh ... you are most generous!"
She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk
because we found a dead rat in it."
Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth,
allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone.
The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it
down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig!
I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's potty!"
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