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Scottish Jokes
Stirling Thompson:
A weegie and a Scouser go into Greggs the bakers.
The Scouser nicks 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the weegie, "Did you see that? The staff never even saw me."
The weegie says, "That's nowt mate, watch this."
So the weegie goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gi'us a pie and I'll show you some magic," and eats the pie in front of him, and then does it twice more.
The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?"
The weegie says, "Go and check that Scouser's pocket."
cheryllwith2ls:
Good one! :)
Hey Stu check this out....Too funny!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6vDzf-wSbk
Stirling Thompson:
One Christmas Eve, three Glesga Guys died and approached the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "OK, if you each can come up with something related to
Christmas I'll let you in."
The first Glesga Guy takes out his car keys, and shakes them. St. Peter
asks what that had to do with Christmas. He says that it
represented the Bells of Christmas. St Peter lets him in.
The second guy takes out his keys, but he has one of those little
lights on his chain, and turns it on. St. Peter asks what that had to do
with Christmas. He says that it represented the Star of Bethlehem.
St Peter lets him in.
The third Guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of
woman's panties, and St Peter asks him what that was all about.
He says: "They're Carols"
Stirling Thompson:
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae a big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
Donna:
;D another good one, Stu !!
Donna
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