General Category > General Scottish
Scottish Poetry
Stirling Thompson:
As promised (threatened?) the rest of the story!
Albert's Return
by Marriott Edgar
You've 'eard 'ow young Albert Ramsbottom
At the zoo up at Blackpool one year
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
Gave a lion a poke in the ear?
The name of the lion was Wallace,
The poke in the ear made 'im wild
And before you could say, "Bob's yer uncle!"
E'd upped and 'e'd swallowed the child.
'E were sorry the moment 'e done it;
With children 'e'd always been chums,
And besides, 'e'd no teeth in his muzzle,
And 'e couldn't chew Albert on't gums.
'E could feel the lad movin' inside 'im
As 'e lay on 'is bed of dried ferns;
And it might 'ave been little lad's birthday-
'E wished 'im such 'appy returns.
But Albert kept kickin' and fightin'...
And Wallace got up, feelin' bad.
Decided 'twere time that 'e started
To stage a comeback for the lad.
Then puttin' 'ead down in one corner,
On 'is front paws 'e started to walk;
And 'e coughed, and 'e sneezed, and 'e gargled
'Till Albert shot out... like a cork!
Now Wallace felt better directly
And 'is figure once more became lean.
But the only difference with Albert
Was 'is face and 'is 'ands were quite clean.
Meanwhile Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom
'Ad gone back to their tea, feelin' blue.
Ma said, "I feel down in the mouth, like.
" Pa said, "Aye, I bet Albert does, too."
Said Mother, "It just goes to show yer
That the future is never revealed;
If I'd thowt we was goin' to lose 'im,
I'd 'ave not 'ad 'is boots soled and 'eeled."
"Let's look on the bright side," said Father,
"Wot can't be 'elped must be endured;
Each cloud 'as a silvery lining,
And we did 'ave young Albert insured."
A knock on the door came that moment
As Father these kind words did speak.
'Twas the man from Prudential - 'e'd come for
Their tuppence per person per week.
When Father saw 'oo 'ad been knockin',
'E laughed, and 'e kept laughin' so -
The man said, "'Ere, wot's there to laugh at?"
Pa said, "You'll laugh an' all when you know!"
"Excuse 'im for laughing," said Mother,
"But really, things 'appen so strange
Our Albert's been et by a lion;
You've got to pay us for a change!"
Said the young man from the Prudential,
"Now, come, come, let's understand this...
You don't mean to say that you've lost 'im?"
Pa said, "Oh, no, we know where 'e is!"
When the young man 'ad 'eard all the details,
A purse from 'is pocket he drew
And 'e paid them with interest and bonus
The sum of nine pounds, four and two.
Pa 'ad scarce got 'is 'and on the money
When a face at the window they see
And Mother cried, "Eee, look, it's Albert!"
And Father said, "Aye, it would be."
Albert came in all excited,
And started 'is story to give;
And Pa said, "I'll never trust lions
Again, not as long as I live."
The young man from the Prudential
To pick up the money began
But Father said, "'ere, wait a moment,
Don't be in a 'urry, young man."
Then giving young Albert a shilling,
'E said, "'Ere, pop off back to the zoo;
Get your stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle...
Go and see wot the tigers can do!"
Stirling Thompson:
This one's a crossover just for Ern of Oz!
The Scottish hospital
An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of his visit he is shown into a ward with several beds, whose occupants seem to have no obvious signs of injury. But as he approaches the first bed, the patient pipes up:
"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a'ye tak your place, painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o'a grace as lang's my arm."
Being somewhat taken aback, he goes to the next patient and is immediately greeted with:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it.
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."
This continues with the next patient:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what aq panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need not start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!"
He quietly asks the doctor accompanying him if they have unexpectedly entered the psychiatric ward. "Och, Nay," replies his guide; "this is the serious Burns unit."
Ernest Thompson:
Stu,
You've made my day.
Ern
Stirling Thompson:
By one of our own!
Gifts by James Thomson
GIVE a man a horse he can ride,
Give a man a boat he can sail;
And his rank and wealth, his strength and health,
On sea nor shore shall fail.
Give a man a pipe he can smoke,
Give a man a book he can read:
And his home is bright with a calm delight,
Though the room be poor indeed.
Give a man a girl he can love,
As I, O my love, love thee;
And his heart is great with the pulse of Fate,
At home, on land, on sea.
Donna:
Ohhhhhh! How sweet!
Donna
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