Scottish Jokes

[Stirling Thompson]

Have two, they're small! been awfully quiet around here lately!

A farmer, making his nightly rounds, saw a shadowy figure holding a lantern and standing somewhat furtively by the side of his cottage. Knowing all his family was in the cottage, he shouted, " Hey, there. Who are you ? " Holding the lantern head high, the figure laughed and replied, " It's only me. Sandy."
" Why Ithought you were in bed long ago, " said the farmer, " what are you doing out so late?"
" Well, " said Sandy, shifting about a bit as though in deep embarrassment, "I'm courting Annie."
The farmer chuckled. " Why the lantern ? Why, when I was courting my wife, I didn't take a lantern."
The young man hesitated for a moment, then said, " Yes, I know. We can all see that."
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An engineer sent to Stornoway on a month’s secondment
found that his stay coincided with what seemed like
perpetual rain. One day, setting out for work, he said to his landlady’s little boy:
‘Doesn’t the weather ever change here?’
‘I don’t know,’ said the child, ‘I’m only six.’

[Barbara]

Thanks Stu, I don't know how you do it but you just keep coming up with more, I love the laughs.   

Barb

[Stirling Thompson]

"How was your golf game, dearie?" asked Jock's wife Agnes.

"Well, Ah was hitting pretty well, but mah eyesight's gotten sa bad, I couldn'a see where the ball went."

"Yer seventy-five years old, Jock!" admonished his wife. "Why don't you take mah brother Sandy along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jock.

"Aye, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch yer ball for ya," Agnes pointed out.

The next day Jock teed off with Sandy looking on. Jock swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did ya see where it went?" asked Jock.

"Aye," Sandy answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jock, peering off into the distance.

"Ah forgot."

[Donna]

Another good laugh!  Thanks Stu!

Donna

[Mary]

Sounds like a normal day around my house ....with a bit of a twist.  I can HEAR EVERYTHING....but can't see squat.  Tom has great eyesight but has been deaf for 40 years.  If you don't think THIS gives us lots of interesting predicaments! So far, we can pretty well
'remember,' ............OMG is that the NEXT thing to go???

[Graham Thompson]

No the next thing to go is the bladder 

[Barbara]

CHRISTMAS FAIRY
 
 I am a little fairy
 On tap o' the Christmas Tree
 It's no' a job I fancy
 Well how would you like tae be me
 
 A tarted up wi' tinsel
 It's enough to mak ye boak
 An a couple o' jaggy branches
 Rammed up the back o' your frock
 
 An' these wee lights a'roon me
 I canna get my sleep
 An' there's the yearly visit
 Fae Santa - Big fat creep!
 
 On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here
 While you're a' wirin' in
 An' naebody says "Hey you up there
 Could you go a slug o' gin?
 
 It's nae joke bein' a fairy
 The job's beyond belief
 You've got to go roon' the wean's beds
 An' lift their rotten teeth
 
 But o' a' the joabs a fairy gets
 An' I've mentioned only so me
 The very worst is sitting up a tree
 Wi' pine needles up yir bum

 When a' the fairies meet again
 By the light of' the silvery moon
 Ye can tell the Christmas fairies
 They're the wans that canna sit doon

The Christmas tree's a bonny sight
 As the firelight softly flickers
 But think o' me I'm stuck up  here
 Wi' needles in my knickers
 
 So soon as Christmas time's right by
 An' I stop bein' sae full o' cheer
 I'll get awa back tae Fairyland

 An' I'll see yous a' next year.

Barbara 

[Stirling Thompson]

That was great Barbara! Got any more?

[Barbara]

Thanks Stu......now if I could only remember where I got that one!!!  A case of CRS is what I've got!

Barbara 

[Stirling Thompson]

Here's another twofer for the duffers out there...

"Sandy, you promised to be home at two o'clock this afternoon and now it's after six."
" Bonny Wife, please ! My best friend Donald is dead - dropped dead on the 10th green this morning at St. Andrews."
" Oh, how terrible."
" It certainly was. The whole day, it's been hit the ball...drag Donald... hit the ball... drag Donald..."
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Sandy and Scotty were playing a mountainous course in the Western Highlands. Sandy joined his partner after playing a difficult lie at the bottom of a deep ravine. " How many ? " asked Scotty.
" Three."
" Three ? I heard six ! "
" Three were echoes."

[Stirling Thompson]

From www.firstfoot.com comes their Joke of the Day!

MacDuff bought a mule and the day after he got it home it kicked his mother-in-law to death.

At the funeral 350 men turned up.

The minister said to MacDuff, 'No disrespect intended, MacDuff, but knowing your mother-in-law as I did, I'm amazed that 350 men would bother to come to the funeral.'

'Och, they haven't come for the funeral, Minister,' said MacDuff, 'they've come to buy the mule!' ";

[Mary]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh groooooooooooooooan!   It is to laugh 

Here's a good cartoon! http://www.fife.50megs.com/tour-scotland-82.htm Even if it does discriminate against short women! 

[Stirling Thompson]

Now this makes a lot of sense! But what's a "strimmer"?

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers bar,
drinking beer.

Tam turns to Shuie and says, "You know, I'm tired of goin' through life
withoot an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college
and sign up for some classes."

Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who
signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and
Logic.

"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's that?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye"

"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a
Garden."

"That's true, I dae huv a Garden."

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think
logically that you would have a house."

"Aye, I do have a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I have a femily."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Aye, I dae have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a
heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of
that because I have a strimmer."

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and
leaves to meet Shuie at the pub.

He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths,
English, History and Logic.

"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's that?"

Tam says, "I'll show you. Do you have a strimmer?"

"No."

"Then you're a poof."

[Mary]

Didn't see THAT one coming.....but sometimes I'm not the brightest bulb with jokes!   LIKED IT!

How you guys doing?  Did you see the photos from the FL games? We've talked to Fred and Duke and they seem to be having a great time. THAT'S the real point of a tent at the game - to get out there and meet, greet, and have a good time. Sure wish we could have gone............well, hopefully, we'll have a chance to go next year! 

[Stirling Thompson]

Three wee ones...

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"

Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
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Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"

"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"
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A good friend of mine was recently touring Scotland. After stopping in a local store he spied a kilt that he absolutely had to have. After haggling with the shopkeeper for an extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually agreeable price far below that which was posted.

My friend then took out his velcro wallet and proceeded to open it, at which point the shopkeeper exclaimed "Ay, now that is a good Scotch purse, it even screams when ye open it!"