Some rules of Kilt Etiquette... for those that prefer to "go commando"!
Those who plan to wear the kilt should recognize that a kilted man inevitably attracts admiring spectators drawn like moths to the flame, or termites to a caber. These admirers, who are often given to calling out such endearments as "Kiltie, kiltie, cauld bum, cannae keep a warm one!" or "Donald! where's your troosers?" see a kilted Scot as an adventurer who walks the thin line between Presbyterian and prurient, between bard and barbarian, between tradition and tramp. These admirers hope to glimpse, even fleetingly, that element which separates our kilted clansmen from troosered trash.
However, to avoid inadvertently offending the delicate sensibilities of spectators (and some are more delicate than others), men should observe the following rules of kilt etiquette:
1. Walk, do not run, when departing trains, making for supermarket blue-light specials, and responding to last call in the pubs. If you must walk quickly, then keep both hands on your sporran. If your sporran is up around your neck, you're walking much too fast.
2. Do not go upstairs, especially in a double-decker bus, lighthouses, or monuments. Likewise, you should avoid open balconies and glass fronted elevators. Neither should you go downstairs; if you find yourself upstairs, then wait until all spectators have left the premises before you descend.
3. Do not stoop, crouch, or squat to pick up anything from the floor, have a friend to pick up the object for you. If your friends will not oblige, kick the object to a secluded place before you retrieve it. If you have no friends, then stooping, crouching or squatting in a kilt may only worsen your lonely condition.
4. Do not wear shiny new shoes. Dull them a little (perhaps with mud or mince) or wear spats and establish your credentials as the fashion trend setter that you are.
5. Do not stand at the edge of reflective pools, unrippled ponds, or mirror-like puddles. On
those formal events where you must wear silver buckles on your shoes, do not stand still for longer than five seconds at a time. Dance instead.
6. Dance nothing more boisterous that a slow waltz. Reserve wild reels, jigs, and flings for family gatherings where your identity requires no further elaboration, or for those occasions when your anonymity is assured. Limbo dancing in a kilt at any time definitely breaches kilt etiquette.
7. Respond only with an enigmatic smile to any questions about what is worn under your kilt. Avoid responding with the tired cliché "Nothing is worn under my kilt, everything is in fine working order." Similarly, do not offer anydemonstrations of what is worn under your kilt; an offer such as "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" can be misconstrued as the opening salvo in an ever escalating series of challenges and exhibitions which might be illegal in public places, even between consenting adults.
8. Shaving of one's legs is unnecessary. However, hirsute highlanders who elect to wax the hair from their legs should wax the whole leg and not just the knee area displayed between kilt and hose. Such false economies only contributeto the myth of the cheap Scot. Also, it is considered in poor taste to suggest private viewings of your "kilt-line"
9. Do not sit with one leg crossed over the other. This position requires you to un-cross your legs later, a tricky maneuver mastered by only a select few after years of training. Always sit with your knees no more than six inches apart, thus creating enough shadow for mystery and discretion. Avoid soft recliners, swings or rocking chairs where the sitter's knees may move above shoulder level.
10. Be sure of the context of the conversation before making comments about global warming, air conditioning, or the ozone layer; none of these topics necessarily pertains to the creature comforts of a kiltie. You should also note that, regardless of their ambiguous titles, films such as "The Naked Gun", "The Untouchables" and "The Full Monty" do not address any issues related to the wearing of the kilt.
Observance of these simple guidelines allows one to wear the kilt with panache and ensures your own confident decorum, all while providing your adoring audience with a stirring but not unsettling spectacle.
