Scottish Jokes

[Stirling Thompson]

Some quotes from Saki...

Saki was the pen-name of Hector Hugo Munro
Killed in the Great European War of 1914-1918
 
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation."
"I believe I take precedence,' he said coldly; 'you are merely the club Bore: I am the club Liar.' "
"I always say beauty is only sin deep. "
"But, good gracious, you've got to educate him first. You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school."
"Waldo is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. "
"All decent people live beyond their incomes nowadays, and those who aren't respectable live beyond other people's. A few gifted individuals manage to do both. "
"I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. "
"Children are given to us to discourage our better emotions."
"It's the early Christian that gets the fattest lion. "
"You can't expect the fatted calf to share the enthusiasm of the angels over the prodigal's return. "
"Every reformation must have its victims. "

[Stirling Thompson]

Wife and Husband are lying in bed when there's a loud chap at the door. The husband gets up, puts on the dressing gown and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and hears the voice shout 'hey pal, can ye gie's a push?'

Infuriated, the husband shouts back 'do you realise it's two in the morning? I've my work to get up for in a few hours you know'. With this he slams the door and heads back upstairs. As he goes back to bed the wife asks who it was. After explaining, she sits up and angrily chastises him, saying 'D'ye mind that time we were stuck wae the weans when the car broke down in the middle o' the night, miles from onywhere? what would hae happent tae us if a stranger hadnae stopped tae help?"

Feeling her wrath and knowing she was right, he got up, put on his dressing gown and went back downstairs. He opened the front door and shouted 'hey pal, you still need a push?"

'Aye' came the reply.

'Well where are ye then, ah cannae see ye?'said the husband.

'Over here' came the reply...'oan the swings'

[Barbara]

  ROTFLMHO    Keep up the good work Stu, and thanks.  I can just picture this one in my head. 

Barbara

[Donna]

I didn't know there were so many CLEAN jokes 
Thanks Stu

Donna

[Stirling Thompson]

They are getting harder and harder to find unless I go off topic. I suppose I could start a non-Scottish joke thread...

[Barbara]

Stu, go ahead, we can all use the laughs.

Barbara

[Stirling Thompson]

Little Sandy was in the habit of sucking his thumb all the time. His mother tried everything to break him of the habit. Finally, one day she pointed to a fat man with a very large stomach and said that the man had grown his stomach because he did not stop sucking his thumb. The next day the child was with his mother in a supermarket, and he kept staring at a woman with a stomach that was obviously not normal. In fact the woman was very pregnant. Finally the irate woman said to the child,
" Stop staring at me like that. You don't know who I am." " No, " said the boy, " but I do know what you have been doing."

[Stirling Thompson]

Ah' wee bloke in Glesga, wis it a party, an' hud a great time, an' gote Blootered.

A' he could remember nixt day, wis a Purple door, a big blonde, an' a beautiful golden toilet.

He wracked his brains tryin' tae remember where they wur, an took a walk doon the road. Lo, an' behold, he came acroass a purple door, he rapped oan it, an a big stunnin' blonde opened it, an' says "Yes?? "

He says, "Hey, ah' wis it a party last night, an a' ah' could remembur wis this door, a big blonde, an' a stoatin' gold toilet. Dae you huv a toilet like that??? "

An' the big blonde turns roon, an' shouts up ri' sterrs, "Hey Jimmy, Here's the bawbag thit pished in yur tuba!!"

[Donna]

  

Donna

[Stirling Thompson]

Donuld, an' Morag hud been merried fur 20 years, an nae sign o' any family comin', Wan day it a' happened, an' they wur blessed wi' a son. Morag, says tae Donuld, Y'ull huv tae walk awa, tae the Oban Times oaffice, an pit an advert in the newspapers, so oor freens 'ull ken wur huvvin a bairn!! Awa' goes Donul, an' treks ower the moors day, an'night, tae get his mission accomplished. He comes back three days latur, an says ah'm baak Morag!!, an' she says, How much did it cost ye Donuld?? an' he says a thousan' poun's!! lassie, Why so much, says Morag?? The man at the oaffice, asked e How many insertions?? an' ah' told um, Five a week fur 20 years!! !

[Stirling Thompson]

A father goes to answer the door and finds a wee boy waiting there.
" Is the donkey comin' oot tae play Mr Broon ?"
" The Donkey ? Who the hell's the Donkey ? Dae yae meen oor Davy ?"
" Aye Mr Broon. the Donkey"
The father goes into the living room and says to his boy "There's sumdy at the bliddy door fer yae Davy. Why does he call yae the Donkey ?"
" Ee aw ee aw ee always calls me that !"

[Stirling Thompson]

The Highlander lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His salivating lips parted; the wondrous taste of the scone was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spoon by his wife. "Stay out of those!" she snapped. "They're for the funeral."

[Barbara]

Thanks for all the laughs Stu!      

Barbara

[Stirling Thompson]

Two golfers enjoying their game and looking forward to the "nineteenth" hole reach the eighteenth and as the are about to address their last puts the see a guy sitting on a railway bridge nearby casting an imaginary line.
"Heh, Tam. Look at that daft bugger," says the one to the other.
" Aw, that's a shame so it is. Remember Wullie, There, but for the Grace of God, go I."
They finish their game and Tam, still feeling sorry for the guy, goes over to the railway bridge.
" Excuse me, pal," he says," Your probably in the mood for a bit of refreshment. Would you mind if I offer to invite you as a guest to the clubhouse for a wee drink ?"
" Aye, don't mind if you do." So he puts away his imaginary rod and joins them.
After a beer and two whiskeys, Wullie, laughing, says "And how many have you caught today?"
"Aye, you two are the furst !"

[Barbara]

       Thanks Stu for all the laughs!

Barbara